Never say Never

March 7, 2014

I’m one step closer to “going live” on this blog. I’m a member of several forums and support groups and I just had a mom thank me for directing her to a website with information regarding herbs.  She said about her TEEN daughter “She is beyond the point of no return with her POF but herbal remedies might help with some of the physical issues.”

Are you kidding me right now?? Past the point of no return?? A TEEN!?!

Maybe she is. Maybe she was just born incredibly unlucky, but MAYBE SHE ISN’T!! This is why I’m so saddened by the medical profession. They don’t understand, your body is a WHOLE. Your body needs to be healthy through and through for it to function properly. How many teen girls out there are told they will never have functioning ovaries and just suck it up and get medicine for the rest of their life? It makes me sad and it makes me MAD!

No teen girl should be handed a diagnosis like that. You know what?  My numbers were past the point of no return by ALL medical stand points!! I’m one of the “worst” cases.

FSH 136.5

LH 98

Estradoil not even recognizable

AMF <.03

But, I don’t believe that nonsense. They handed me that “diagnosis” without even asking anything going on in my life. No symptoms, stresses, etc. My TCM listened to everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. They want to know all your stresses, how you handle them, any discharge, how often you have a bowel movement, what you eat, exercise, etc. The list goes on and on.

Please please please. No matter your age, NEVER let them tell you your case is hopeless. I just started reading The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis, and if you struggle with any type of infertility, please do yourself a favor and read this book. It will open you eyes. Your body is a WHOLE. It is not a part. Treat your WHOLE body right and your fertility will be restored.

God bless you. All of you out there struggling with infertility and especially this “disease.” With POF, you are written off as hopeless. Do not let them. Do not. Do not. Do not.

My LH was 98! 98!! Within a month I brought it down to not even register on an OPK. And you know what, I think I may have actually ovulated this month. My body surged last week but I never saw a temp shift. Well, two days ago, I got another positive OPK, fertile CM and a high soft cervix. This morning, my temp shifted by .38 degrees up. We will see if it stays up there and what the next two weeks brings, but six weeks ago I was told it was impossible. Hang in there!

A ZIT ladies and gentlemen

March 5, 2014

Drum roll please… I’ve got a ZIT! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, most people groan about them, and so did I, but I have not had a zit since before I was pregnant with Reed. I thought I was just one of those lucky pregnant women whose skin sparkled…but it turns out it stayed clear afterwards too. I counted myself lucky, until I realized when my world came crashing down that estrogen causes skin breakouts and the reason I didn’t get any, was I didn’t HAVE ANY ESTROGEN! Gulp.

So, yes, last night, I was giddy to see a pimple. Right smack dab in the middle of my forehead. Today – shiny skin and a positive OPK test. I’m trying not to get too excited because it could just be a crazy LH surge from POF, but, it could be, wait for it… Wait for it…OVULATION! Gasp! I had some fertile CM and a HSO cervix. For those not in tune with the fertility world and various forums out there, that is fertile (egg white) cervical mucus and a high soft open cervix. Maybe not the most glamorous tracking all that stuff, but it sure helps monitor what my body is doing, or trying to do for that matter. Let’s see if my temps rise over the next few days.

Fingers crossed.

Public or Private

March 4, 2014

I just updated my Amazon shop and save. Yowzer. The supplement / vitamin junkie that I now am!!

Yesterday I had an amazing yoga session at my friend’s house. I understand why she is so sought after. It was the first time doing yoga I was able to truly center. No listening for the baby, listening to leaking faucets, noticing how the carpet needs to be vacuumed while I’m in child’s pose or having the cat sniff at my toes. So peaceful.

This morning was back to the chiropractor. Thankfully he agreed I can switch to every other week appointments because none of this is covered by insurance. (Don’t get me started. A long lecture of how this disease leads to diabetes, cancers, heart disease, osteoporosis, etc by my doctors, yet because it’s a “lady’s problem” and relates to fertility NOTHING is covered. Grrrr.) He said my body is responding well to treatments. He gave me a set of exercises to do every day to loosen my spine as well as showed me how to roll up towels to put under my lower back and at the base of my neck to help my spine realign. I’m suppose to do that for 10-15 minutes before bed every night and he said it will most likely help me sleep better too. Also, he reminded me to continue doing my back stretches with the foam roller.

My friend, amazingly gifted and well known in the blogging world wrote a very personal blog called ‘My Broken Vagina’ and I contacted her about it. As you may have guessed, these entries are still in a folder on my computer, PRIVATE. I want to post them as encouragement for all the women out there who need to hear about how to deal with POF with optimism, humor and God’s guidance, but am a big fat chicken. She was very encouraging about blogging… Maybe I’m one step closer to putting these out there for the world to see.

My hesitations? The big one. Fertility/Infertility is still so darn private. No one really talks about it. I don’t want pity, but I don’t want people “checking in” every month either. Do I really want to share with the world my husband and my, well, most private moments in hopes of a bambino? Right now, my parents, his parents, my siblings and three of my friends know about it. That. Is. It.  I haven’t wanted to share it, because to be honest, I feel broken and inadequate. Everyone has always known I want to be a mommy and everyone’s first reaction is, you can’t be infertile, you had Reed. And I want to shout, YES! I know, right?!? Only the doctors don’t believe that! I launch into my saga and all my alternative treatments.

My other hesitation…I’m an actor. Yeah, yeah, not exactly a household name, but that makes it even more sensitive to me I guess. If I was a huge actor, I’d be known and could get the word out about this issue, but I’m not. I’m an actor who has a small group of casting and an agency that roots for me and goes to bat for me day to day.

Most directors, producers, studios, networks and casting directors have never heard of me. So, what do they do when I’m up for a role?? Google me. Like everyone else in this world. Do I want the first thing that pops up to be my infertility, er, fertility journey? Or my acting reel and resume? If I get brave enough to put this out there, it must be with MY name, not a pen name. I want people to trust me with their journeys and struggles so I must trust them. I’ll keep praying about it. I can’t help but feel the Lord gave me this struggle for a reason and that purpose could be to help others find hope where they have been told there is none. 

Giving it to the Lord in prayer. He IS the ultimate healer after all.

Fitness, Health and Chocolate Shooters

March 1, 2014

Well, I’m sleeping a bit better. I started charting again because of some signs my hormones were regulating, but I realize how inaccurate my temps must be with all the tossing and turning. Day two of my meditation went better.  I think I only woke up four or five times, but I was able to go back to bed each time which is a drastic improvement.

My chiropractor recommended bathing with Epsom salts three times a week to detoxify. I did some reading, and it also helps with calcium absorption. Apparently, you need magnesium to absorb calcium, but the body doesn’t absorb magnesium from supplements too well, but the baths make you absorb it through your skin. A big side effect of POF is osteoporosis because the body doesn’t make the hormones to absorb calcium. At the very least, it should help with that, but I know for fertility you need a good calcium intake too. Can’t hurt. On my nights I don’t do my castor oil pack, I’m bathing. It helped calm me for bed. And, really, a lovely hot bath was heavenly!

It made me giggle to lay in the bath reading my infertility book amidst all my son’s bath toys. Don’t worry my love, you will have a brother or sister to play with. I know how boring it must be to play with me and dad all the time!

Last night, I took a nice steamy shower and then did my castor oil pack. Afterwards, I put in my fertility yoga DVD and did that before bed. I was actually impressed how well I did after years of not doing any. A dear friend of mine who teaches yoga agreed to help me with some fertility poses whenever we are able to meet. I’m planning to go see her Monday. She’s one of the few people who know about my health issues right now, so I know it’ll be good to not only do the yoga, but relax and catch up with someone I can speak freely with.

My husband is a crack up. I think the herbs are absolutely nasty, but even though we are clean eaters now, organic, healthy, etc he brought home a dozen bite size brownies for me from his catering shift. After drinking the horrid TCM med’s I can have a “shooter” of chocolate. That is love!

His Fitness Hub site is really taking off. He created it on Facebook to inspire people to lose weight and stay healthy. He did it because he wants to look better, but quickly realized that it makes him FEEL better too. With my pushing an all organic, clean eating house to limit toxin exposure for health reasons, we both are really striving to be as healthy as we can be. We need to for our health and to set an example for our son. It’s forcing us to try a lot of new things and be creative and I know the page is doing the same for others. It’s inspiring us with new ideas and recipes when people post.

Well, signing off for now. My son will be up soon and I need to work. Gotta pay for all these acupuncture and chiropractic appointments somehow.

It WILL get better!

Feb. 27, 2014

Well, today started out as an exhausting day. I haven’t been sleeping well. My TCM mixed some herbs that are suppose to help me relax in addition to detoxify and replenish my system yesterday and they taught me some meditation to help with my insomnia and some massage of points that help my ovaries and reproductive organs. Out of curiosity, I asked my TCM how many herbs were in this wonderful mixture and she told me well over 20. Yowzer. That in addition to all the supplements I’m on. Wow!

I did my castor oil pack last night and then did the meditations, but two hours later I was wide awake. I tossed and turned for a few more hours then after 2 am was up for good. I just can’t shut my mind off.

I took a brief nap this afternoon, well, shut my eyes for 25 minutes and am feeling better after eating lunch and taking my herbs. I’m still really struggling with weaning. I know it sounds absolutely silly, but it’s really hard. I miss bonding with Reed during those times, and I know he does too. When he’s tired especially, he keeps turning his body in to nurse. I feel serious “mommy guilt” over this.

Weaning and Whining

Feb. 22, 2014

Well, today was one of my worst days in regards to my healing “process.” It was the first day that my son was officially weaned. And, it was miserable L For the last four days, I’d already weaned him down to this last nursing session in the morning, and it was our special time together. He’d nurse sometimes as long as a half hour, then we’d snuggle, sing or read stories after before getting ready for the day. I loved it. So did he.

This morning, I went in and he began crying immediately when I didn’t nurse him. I turned on his turtle light and distracted him with letting him push the buttons to change the colors and singing him songs. When he seemed fully awake, I turned on the light and we read some stories.

He seemed fine until nap time. My son hasn’t nursed BEFORE a nap for months now, but he was intent on it. He kept crouching into me trying to get my breast. I offered a bottle and he refused so I laid him down and he SCREAMED!! I came out, my eyes brimming, and my wonderful husband went in to give him the bottle.

My husband came downstairs, looked at me, held out his arms and we both hugged and cried. I have never had such guilt as a mommy as I did today. He kept reassuring me I was doing what is right for my healing and for our future as a family. He was so gentle making sure I know how much he supported me, yet reiterating he knew how difficult this was. He understood, as much as he was able, what a sacrifice it was and how much it hurt me. We’ve prayed so hard, and I keep asking God to bring me peace.

I watch my son playing alone sometimes as I make dinner or do chores and it breaks my heart to think he won’t ever have a sibling to play with, and I know our decision is right. Mentally, I know he is 15 months old, that we have months of frozen milk, that he is healthy and strong and has benefited from nursing to long, but emotionally, it crushes me. I had wanted to nurse him until he was ready to wean, and I feel selfish for making this decision.

When my son work from his nap, when he would typically nurse, I went in, picked him up and we danced. I hummed him a song and just danced with him laying his head on my shoulder for 15 minutes. He pulled his head up, kissed me square on the lips, and laid it back down and we danced some more. The rest of the evening he just wanted to be held and cuddled. My usually active little boy, just laid down on my lap and played in place.

I love my little boy so incredibly much. I know in a few days he will move past this, and I know my heart will hurt much longer than his. I just want him to know I can’t even fathom loving a little person more. I want to be healthy so I can be the best mommy for him long term. I want to give him a little sister or brother so when his dad and I pass on, he has family, someone to love and depend on like my husband and I do.

I know God has given me this burden for a greater purpose. I pray I can be strong, be faithful, be optimistic and be an example to others.

And…my goodness, those herbs are HORRIBLE! It’s like drinking sludge.

On a happy note, I decided to try an OPK. Since my LH was insanely high before, they just always appeared positive. And it was NEGATIVE!!! I suppose it could have been diluted urine, but I hadn’t used the bathroom in three hours and we’d taken a walk and I forgot my water bottle, so I really, really don’t think it was. If my OPK was negative, that means my hormone levels are dropping into a normal range. OPK’s don’t show positive until your LH is 25. My last blood draw, my LH was 98 (yikes!!!)

I also did a castor oil pack tonight. It was actually pretty relaxing. Normally, after Reed goes to bed, I clean, shower and work. Tonight, I put the pack on, put a heating pad over it and surfed the web on my phone and began reading a play. The thought of having 30-45 minutes three days a week to just read a book or magazine seems indulgent and divine. I haven’t done that in almost a year and a half.

I cringe going into any forums or “support groups” for POF because the only “support” I see is that people have completely accepted what the doctors have told them and are supporting each other through that horrible journey. Whenever anyone seems to mention trying to get pregnant, they give each other the same horrid adoption / egg donor speech they received. There is MORE to health than an ovary not working. I’m really starting to embrace Eastern medicine. The body as a WHOLE must be healthy for reproductive health. Western medicine has done amazing things, but I think this is one area they really need to explore. Western medicine treats POF symptoms, but not the underlying cause.

I’m feeling pretty optimistic in spite of the rough day. I just trust I will have restored health and that we will be blessed with another baby. This journey is for a purpose. I will shed light on this disease. I will let others be at peace this is not the end. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

God Bless.

Game On ~ The Herbs Commence

Feb. 21, 2014

My last day of acupuncture…for now. Today was surprisingly relaxing. Normally I can’t tune out everything going on around me, but today, it was peaceful. She said my pulse was good. That’s a first. Normally, it’s getting “better” but she actually seemed pleased at how strong it was before she put the needles in.

Normally, they hurt for a second going in, but today I barely felt the ones on my abdomen at all. I wonder if that is because my energy paths were opening already? Now, the ones on my feet really hurt. She said that was the one to reduce stress. Um, yeah. I guess those ones would still be killers. It was a bit of a stressful week. Family drama.

As soon as the needles were in, she dimmed the lights, put on the wonderful heat lamp and set the music and left and I dare say I almost fell asleep. A good rest at least.

Afterwards, they confirmed that I’m done with acupuncture for now and she seemed rather sure my period would start as soon as I’m entirely done breastfeeding. They wanted to start me on herbs to replenish my system and regulate my hormones, but hesitated until I’d weaned Reed.  I reassured them I wouldn’t start the herbs until I was done and that the last four days I’d gone down to one feeding, that I’d be ok to stop. I hated saying those words, but realistically, I knew if I waited until next week, I’d still be upset over it, Reed probably wouldn’t wean on his own by then, and one extra week of breastfeeding wasn’t going to affect him much either way.

They asked about my hormone levels at my last testing and since it was only a month ago they said they’d use those as the starting point. Surprisingly, she didn’t seem phased as I muttered my levels. They just said they’d like them retested at some point to see how the herbs were working. For about 15 minutes she was busy writing, every now and then asking a question or two, and then she got up and went to her herbs “dresser.”

I watched in awe as she pulled out bottle after bottle. Why I thought there’d be a mixture of a few herbs, I have no idea. She must have pulled out 25 bottles. She began precisely measuring them out using a scale. When she was done, her husband handed them to me and told me to take them twice a day, three scoops each time. In a little warm water.

Alrighty – game on! I decided since I was starting my herbs, I might as well start my “regimen” or supplements. When I got home I pulled out my geriatric vitamin organizer. After lunch, I warmed my water, poured my herbs and drank, er, gagged it down. My husband was dry heaving just watching me. Not a cocktail I’d recommend.