Public or Private

March 4, 2014

I just updated my Amazon shop and save. Yowzer. The supplement / vitamin junkie that I now am!!

Yesterday I had an amazing yoga session at my friend’s house. I understand why she is so sought after. It was the first time doing yoga I was able to truly center. No listening for the baby, listening to leaking faucets, noticing how the carpet needs to be vacuumed while I’m in child’s pose or having the cat sniff at my toes. So peaceful.

This morning was back to the chiropractor. Thankfully he agreed I can switch to every other week appointments because none of this is covered by insurance. (Don’t get me started. A long lecture of how this disease leads to diabetes, cancers, heart disease, osteoporosis, etc by my doctors, yet because it’s a “lady’s problem” and relates to fertility NOTHING is covered. Grrrr.) He said my body is responding well to treatments. He gave me a set of exercises to do every day to loosen my spine as well as showed me how to roll up towels to put under my lower back and at the base of my neck to help my spine realign. I’m suppose to do that for 10-15 minutes before bed every night and he said it will most likely help me sleep better too. Also, he reminded me to continue doing my back stretches with the foam roller.

My friend, amazingly gifted and well known in the blogging world wrote a very personal blog called ‘My Broken Vagina’ and I contacted her about it. As you may have guessed, these entries are still in a folder on my computer, PRIVATE. I want to post them as encouragement for all the women out there who need to hear about how to deal with POF with optimism, humor and God’s guidance, but am a big fat chicken. She was very encouraging about blogging… Maybe I’m one step closer to putting these out there for the world to see.

My hesitations? The big one. Fertility/Infertility is still so darn private. No one really talks about it. I don’t want pity, but I don’t want people “checking in” every month either. Do I really want to share with the world my husband and my, well, most private moments in hopes of a bambino? Right now, my parents, his parents, my siblings and three of my friends know about it. That. Is. It.  I haven’t wanted to share it, because to be honest, I feel broken and inadequate. Everyone has always known I want to be a mommy and everyone’s first reaction is, you can’t be infertile, you had Reed. And I want to shout, YES! I know, right?!? Only the doctors don’t believe that! I launch into my saga and all my alternative treatments.

My other hesitation…I’m an actor. Yeah, yeah, not exactly a household name, but that makes it even more sensitive to me I guess. If I was a huge actor, I’d be known and could get the word out about this issue, but I’m not. I’m an actor who has a small group of casting and an agency that roots for me and goes to bat for me day to day.

Most directors, producers, studios, networks and casting directors have never heard of me. So, what do they do when I’m up for a role?? Google me. Like everyone else in this world. Do I want the first thing that pops up to be my infertility, er, fertility journey? Or my acting reel and resume? If I get brave enough to put this out there, it must be with MY name, not a pen name. I want people to trust me with their journeys and struggles so I must trust them. I’ll keep praying about it. I can’t help but feel the Lord gave me this struggle for a reason and that purpose could be to help others find hope where they have been told there is none. 

Giving it to the Lord in prayer. He IS the ultimate healer after all.