So far so good

July 31, 2014

Well, I've been off herbs for almost a week now and so far so good. I've been sleeping great. I woke up a few times last night, but the night before I slept from 10:30-5:30 without waking up at all. I literally cannot remember the last time I've slept that long and hard. It was heavenly!!! My sleep started improving about five days before stopping herbs, so I don't think it was the herbs adversely affecting it. I also haven't been having any mini hot flashes. I was getting them here and there - nothing drastic like they use to be, but enough to unnerve me.

My hormones seem to be cooperating. My temp had been elevated for about a month and over the last week, just before discontinuing herbs, my temps have been dropping. I've also been getting fertile cm and cervix. I took a HPT test today to see and hardly any line at all. It looked more like an evap after it'd been sitting out for an hour so I think the low HCG has dropped even lower, or disappeared in my system. We'll see over the next few days if I ovulate and can verify it with a temp hike.

All in all. Doing pretty good. I was worried taking a break from the herbs would slow my progress, but maybe my body needed a break from everything. Or, maybe my body is just on an upswing and it'd be working even better with the herbs. Either way, I feel like conquering the horrid UTI and healing my body of that is the most important for overall health (and fertility health.) Who knows how long I'd been battling it.

I must also add my super exciting news. A friend of mine who has been battling infertility is pregnant. She is the one who introduced me to my TCM. She went to them her first round of IVF and got pregnant. Her second round, she didn't, and didn't get pregnant. Although they pulled some eggs, the quality wasn't great. Her third round, she did acupuncture and herbs for a six or seven month round and they pulled 18 mature eggs, 15 fertilized which were all viable at day 5. At transfer day there was a near perfect one and one pretty darn close. Her u/s is next week.

Her doctor was amazed at the difference the eight months made between transfers and asked what they'd done. Fasting. Prayer. TCM and acupuncture. He was baffled and told her she could be a donor. For any naysayers, there is something to this. The only difference between round 2 and 3 was TCM and acupuncture. The faith, prayer and fasting were there all along. The bible tells us to prepare our fields.

I never knew it'd be in the form of needles and a sludge concoction of herbs, but hey, I'm busy preparing my field. ;)

UTI Back with a Vengeance

July 27, 2014

Well, my UTI diagnosis was apparently accurate. Bad news...it never went away. Just got a whole. lot. worse.

I started having lower back pain on my left side on Tuesday and started feeling pressure on Weds in my abdomen. Every time I went to call or email my doctor though, it'd feel better and I figured, why cry wolf? It started getting worse, but was mainly in my back so I thought I may have pulled something or been holding my son strangely. Thursday morning, it was undeniable. A whole lotta pain!

I saw one of those over the counter tests at Target to test, so I thought, well, before I hand over my $40 co pay at the lab I might as well give it a try. It said to hold your urine for 4 hrs to get an accurate result, but it hurt so I went after about an hour and a half hold and it couldn't turn any darker. I had the darkest positive you could get. An email to my doctor and I had a prescription waiting. She had me leave a sample at the lab, but didn't want me in pain waiting for it to process.

Lesson learned? Although my TCM said the meds wouldn't interfere with herbs, I'm not so certain the herbs didn't interfere with the meds. So, off my herbs for the next five days. There are no dangerous interactions - just maybe lessened the effectiveness of the meds. Also, the UTI meds from before were for when I was nursing so different than a standard scrip.

The good news is as soon as I started taking the meds Thursday, my body seems to be falling back into a rhythm. It's funny how even one little imbalance in your body can throw the whole thing off. My last visit with the TCM they said my kidney channel was weak - well, sure makes sense now. The kidney channel is responsible for all reproductive and urinary function. With one awry, it easily throws off the other. I started noticing fertile signs immediately. So, good news. We'll wait and see if my hormones are going to pull through.

Oddly enough, even with the UTI, the last week my sleep has been AMAZING!! I don't know what it is, but the best sleep I've had for as long as I can remember. Then again, I've been doing a lot of praying, so that may be the reason. Handing over my stress and problems = no mind running during sleep.

I'm feeling thankful today. Thankful for my sleep. Thankful my body is falling back into a rhythm. Thankful for my amazing family. Nothing beats a year and a half year old covering you with kisses.

**Just an update. The doctor called this morning and my cultures showed a bacteria that was drug resistant so they are putting me on a different medication. Bummer is, it'll be seven more days...so ten days off the herbs. This will be interesting to see how my body responds. We'll see if it's regulating on it's own a bit or still relying heavily on the herbs. Hmmmm.

"I Will Be A Wonderful Mother"

July 25, 2014

I read this in a support group today. I don't know the author, or I would giver her credit...but for all of you ladies out there on the journey, I thought you'd appreciate this.

POF and False Positives

July 24, 2014

I'll let you in on a little secret. Positive pregnancy tests don't even excite me anymore :( (FYI- if you want cheap Wondfo's which are the cheap HPT and OPK tests go here! This is the best price I've found and you can do combos of both or just some alone.

This was yesterday. The top one, yesterday - obviously darker than the ones preceding it (the days leading up to it) right? Nice progression, huh? The top would be 10 DPO if I ovulated.

Then, this morning. This happened.

Pretty cool, huh? Nope. I had a blood draw to check my HCG. 4. 4???? 4!?!??! Yup, 4. As in not even close to being pregnant. Seriously, how sensitive are these tests? 4 and under is not pregnant. Between 4-25 in inconclusive and 25 and over is pregnant. Do they really need to make tests THIS sensitive? I mean, I like knowing right away, just like the next gal, but come on!

I need to remind myself, to just toss them away without a second though until the line is a in your face YOU ARE PREGNANT line!

On the one hand, I'm seriously bummed. I never did let myself get excited because I thought it could just be hormones awry. On the other hand, I was actually kind of relieved my HCG was only 4. Before it was 7 so it's half. I guess that shows some improvement.

My son had a difficult time going to bed tonight. He was crying and I went in and told him it was night night time and asked if I laid down on the floor next to his crib and rubbed his belly he'd feel better. He told me yes and laid right down. As I was rubbing his belly, arm and head, I just started crying. I totally thought I'd be at peace either way, and I am...but, it just really hit me. I feel absolutely broken.

I don't think I ever understood before all this how incredibly lonely and frustrating it is for your body to be completely out of control. For all the people dealing with sickness, cancers, infertility, mental illness, it is scary. It's isolating, because you look ok on the outside and no one knows. And, even if they do, unless they are dealing with the same thing...they really, can't truly understand.

I had a moment of actual despair thinking I may never experience every moment I've shared with my son again. I have to keep believing I will. For one thing, it's made me value every single second with him. When I find myself getting tired or nearing the end of my rope, I really take a step back and realize that I can't get these moments back. Is it seriously worth me losing my temper? No. It's helped my patience parenting, being a wife, daughter, actor, employee...

You know, my husband and I from the time we were in premarital counseling always said we'd be open to adoption, but the reality is, it's near impossible unless you are wealthy. It cost more than IVF. Whenever I hear someone say "why can't they just adopt, there's so many children that need homes" I really want to smack them upside the head.

I for one would LOVE to adopt. But it cost upwards of $20,000 and beyond depending where you adopt from. We've even looked in to fostering to adopt, but I can't bear to bring a child into our home only to have the family take them away after they've been here. That scares me with adoption in the US too. In other countries that possibility is less likely.

I always thought (before) why adopt internationally when so many children need homes here. Well, they do, however it's become a business. Extremely expensive, with your odds increasing the more you "advertise" to potential mothers. Advertise? Excuse me? Yeah, you read that right.

The only silver lining of the whole adoption option is once it's said and done you can get a tax incentive to help recoup cost. However, that's after you max out all your credit cards I suppose. I know we would provide a wonderful family for a child.

I know from the bottom of my heart my journey isn't over with children. I know this is a set back and I'll bounce back. I always do.

My TCM appointment went well on Weds. They said my kidney channel was a bit weak. I asked if that could be from my UTI last week and they said that could be playing a part. They reworked my herbs to nourish my kidneys and build my blood. They also agreed with me to cut my royal jelly down to every other day, that it could have been monkeying with my hormones too much.

My TCM did give me the encouraging news that she really thought once I regulated that I would fall pregnant almost immediately. She said that everything about my pulse, health, etc showed I was the perfect example of someone who should get pregnant and carry a pregnancy very easily. I did the last time, so I'm just really trying to trust it'll happen again.

I keep reminding myself when I started there was one follicle on my ovary and my AMH was about nil at <.03. I always knew it'd take a good six months to see improvement in my egg quality. I'm approaching six months from my beginning of acupuncture at the end of this month. Next month will be my six month anniversary with herbs.

As my TCM reminded me. My body and health are like a delicate plant. You can't just throw a seed down and expect a tall plant the next day. You have to give it good soil, water, sunlight and nourishment and foster it and help it grow. Our bodies are the same way. It's a process.

I keep reminding myself how far I've come. My body was a wreck before and now I'm all in all, pretty healthy. No night sweats. My sleep has actually been very good the last three or four nights. Anxiety and depression aren't there anymore (except for my woe is me moments - see above, sigh.) My weight is back to a normal range. A tad under the norm, but good for me. I have energy.

I started reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For". It's a 40 day journey to learn what purpose does God intend to use me for. It's to take the perspective off what will make ME happy and learn what will make GOD happy and how can I do it. I think that's important for me right now.

There's a lot tumbling around in my head this evening. I'm really mentally exhausted.

To all you ladies out there going through this. I'm sorry. It sucks and we're on this journey together.

Postulating Carpet Cleaners and Embracing my Crunchy Side

July 22, 2014

So, interesting day today. We were having our carpets cleaned today (all organic and free of chemical) when one of the workers walked up to me and said "I see in your home. You're Christian." I answered, "Well, yes, I am." And he told me he'd known before he stepped in. Before he saw our Christian decor and bookshelf. He shared that he too is Christian and between bringing in equipment and stain fighting shared his spiritual journey while I sat at the table and worked.

Odd, perhaps. But, he was so innocent and charming and really spoke words of wisdom. Maybe naive, or just brazenly honest he asked the last time I really felt God's presence.  I told him last night. I had a calmness come over me. And get this, he asked WHY?

Um, well, I'm dealing with some health issues and have really been struggling and questioning recently. He went on to share some stories and experiences and as he was holding the cords as his fellow worker did the cleaning in our living room had the audacity to ask me what my health problems were. With, no apology. Normally, I'd be aghast, but the sincere and honest way he asked...I ANSWERED! To a complete stranger!

Here, I've been dealing with this diagnosis for six months and really, no one knows about it other than a handful of close friends and family. I write this blog half anonymous because I can't even bare the thought of telling people or opening myself to criticism, and here I shared in my kitchen with a young 20 something man who is studying to be a preacher that I can't have kids.

He shared his experiences with God healing people and I struggled to keep myself in check. My eyes were tearing up. As he gathered things up, he told me that sometimes God hands us the most difficult thing we can imagine so we absolutely hit rock bottom and can open our lives to him to lift us up. Pretty powerful words from someone so young.

As his co-worker was loading the truck. He came in. Asked my name. Asked if he could pray with me. He told me he felt moved by God to tell me two things. 1. God loved me. 2. God was working in my life to heal me. He then placed his hand on my shoulder and prayed. A real prayer. A moving prayer. They were words that left me speechless and crying. He prayed for the life within me. Not only "my" life, but the life growing in me.  I know I can't express all the things he asked, but it was very moving, in a very odd way.

I've never been good at sharing prayer. Yet, this boy was so unapologetic. He was so certain. He was so inspired. As he left, he locked eyes with me and said there is a reason I got my carpets cleaned. With this company. On his day working. God used people to give us courage, strength, hope and new life. He would keep me in his prayers and he trusted with every instinct in him that my prayers would be answered.

It was an odd day. A moving day. A day that left me rather mentally exhausted. I know his prayer will come back and strike me throughout the coming weeks.

When I woke this morning, I was feeling frustrated. Still faint positives. And, what drives me crazy is I "think" they are getting darker, but don't want to let that "hope" in. I was devastated before. If I did ovulate, I'm 9 DPO. Here is a picture of the last few days "progression." I had been testing once or twice a week to see if A. I really did get a positive and B. hoping the false line would leave. Without a clear picture of where I was in my cycle seemed like the safest bet given I take herbs and supplements. Since one day it looked darker, I checked the next few days to see if they progressed at all.

I'm back to my TCM tomorrow so will ask them about my levels. I'm trying hard not to be concerned and trying to take comfort in my carpet cleaner's wisdom. I can't fix this. Only God can.

In other news. I've fully embraced my crunchy side. I've been using homemade toothpaste for a few weeks now and love it. The recipe I found, once you add a bit of peppermint essential oil, really doesn't taste much different than the store bought kind. It doesn't suds up like that one, but really does make my mouth feel clean. Longer actually.

My newest obsession is my homemade deodorant. Again, a little out there for some folks, but I swear to you. It is AWESOME!!! How I didn't do this all along I will never know! I'd switched to Toms deodorant to get a bit more natural, but it didn't cut it for me. I took to dusting my pits with baking soda and an old blush brush several times a day. My homemade with a hint of lavender. Problem solved!! No chemicals and better than any store bought I've ever had. Bonus - it does't stain clothing like aluminum based ones do.

Well, ladies. It's been a humbling week for me. I felt like I was doing so well and have come to the embarrassing conclusion that "I" wasn't doing well. GOD was. It sounds simple, and I knew that, but I didn't KNOW it. Every moment of every day I need to keep reminding myself to "Let go and let God." It's the hardest lesson I have ever had to do.

Keep the faith.

It's the pits.

July 16, 2014

Today has been an emotional and trying day. I tested last Saturday because AF still hasn't come and got a positive. Still faint so I was thinking the POF again and after testing again today...still faint...so back to POF fake outs. Very sad. For any other woman, seeing a faint line on there would be cause for cheer, but for me, it's a "well, it could be a super early positive pregnancy test let me wait on pins and needles for the line to darken, or my body is being stupid again." One step forward two steps back.

I feel like my body was really co-operating and it's struggling again. I'm trying so incredibly hard to stay positive, but days like today just knock me down. I want to have a good cry, but I've a ton of work, it was like WWIII trying to get my son to take a nap who just so happens to be under the weather, I feel like a giant failure in the "acting" world right now unable to even secure auditions and my husband is wanting to throw in the towel here in CA and move to somewhere less expensive (meaning no more acting for me) and I'm all kinds of emotional because my hormones are awry.

To top it off I have, I think, a UTI. I can't even go to the doctor to get it checked out (long story short, CoveredCA, or, Obamacare had a system error and cancelled our health insurance on us. They admitted the glitch and sent a notification to our insurance, but it will take 10-14 days to get fixed. In the mean time...nada insurance) without paying hundreds of dollars for a stupid sample of urine to be tested. Luckily, I have my prescription from last time I had one. It was refilled and I didn't need it. I know...never assume, but I'm in some serious pain here.

I'm posting because I know so many others of you struggle day to day with the emotional and psychological aspects of this. It just sucks.

I will tack on here that my boobs are a bit achy. Kind of hot and tingly at the nipples. I remember they use to get that way, well, they did early in pregnancy, but I recall that feeling as I approached my period before. My chart is all out of whack, but I think I may have ovulated eleven days ago. I guess I'll know for sure in the next few days if I did or my temps are just higher than normal. If my hormones are going berserk that could by what is making my temps look off. FF has me 27 dpo which is obviously not accurate.

In the mean time, I keep taking my herbs, doing my exercises, eating healthy, meditating, praying and trusting that the Lord is working all this out for me because it is not the slightest in my hands.

Confusion, Frustration and Just Plain Blah

July 8, 2014

Well, it's been a while since my last post and I do apologize. I went on vacation (which was amazing and relaxing) to visit my family. 17 glorious days!! I kind of let the "baby making obsession" go out the window. I cheated more than I should have with foods, um, I ate ice cream, didn't obsess about all the organics as much at parties and get togethers and dare I say, had half a drink. Still not wild and crazy, but I "let it go" for a bit.

A few different times I sat down to write but was just feeling out of sorts and didn't. Thinking back, those are probably the times I should. A journey isn't a journey without the highs and lows. I felt very, very low a few of those days.

I intended to write before I left about my TCM appointment. I had delayed ovulation and they, and myself were attributing it to the CP last month. My TCM did say that my pulse was "nervous" and she thought perhaps I was worried about the delayed ovulation, thus making it delayed even more. Could be! At that point, I wasn't really obsessed about it, but it could have been that along with my meeting deadlines with work and packing for our trip.

Fertility Friend marked me as ovulating the day I left for my trip, but I didn't think I did. I never got much fertile CM, my cervix never opened and my temps did jump a bit, but nothing major and I think they remained up due to the three hour time difference. I was temping three hours ahead so my temps would be a bit inflated. I also didn't temp at the same time every day. Here, I temp at 4:30 am, there it was anywhere from 6-8. I decided not to obsess about it because the temps were already varying and I just wanted to sleep!

I did get another +OPK near the end of the trip and although my cervix didn't go super wide, it did get very high, soft and open a bit and then dropped down the next day as my temp shot up, so it could have been then.

In the mean time, I'm just still using the OPK's and tracking so I don't miss it. I'll take the pregnancy test every 4-5 days so if I get a positive I can quit with the herbs.

I was having quite a few days of being discouraged because of the confusion in my cycle and the OPK's remaining dark...not positive but dark. Knowing heightened LH can be caused in POF I was feeling like it was coming back full force. I also had a day or two of what I though were very, very faint positives on my pregnancy test which I attributed to low levels of HCG due to POF. I kept giving it over to God and saying I trust that He and my body are doing what it should. Good news, after my suspected O date, my LH lines have gotten lighter and the HCG test is completely negative so I think my hormones are righting.

I'll be heading back to my TCM in the next few days to have my herbs adjusted and have them see how my body is doing. I did go back to the chiropractor today and all was surprisingly well. I had to be adjusted in a few areas, but considering I've spent the last few weeks on planes, varying beds and sofas and spent a six hour flight with a toddler on my lap (and every other which way) on the plane yesterday, I was in good shape.

I was also a bit out of sorts due to the whole Hobby Lobby / Birth control debacle. I'll keep my personal views out of it because I'm of the feeling no one will change anyone's mind on the issue, but what did strike me as ironic is insurance covers terminating pregnancies but not assisting getting pregnant. I could be wrong, maybe if fertility was required to be covered and a company petitioned to "opt out" of that there would be the same public outrage, but I don't think there would be. In fact, continuing on, it's best to remove Pro-Life/Pro Choice and birth control and abortion out of this. I'm not arguing for or against, but making an observation about how some procedures regarding fertility are considered mainstream, acceptable and a necessity and others are not. A statement someone made about viagra during the conversation really hit home for me (I'll get to that in a minute.)

My frustration lies in the fact it's not just a reproductive choice for me and so many women who are infertile with POF, but a catastrophic health condition. If your ovaries don't work, they don't produce hormones which your body needs. Upon diagnosis I was faced with a list a mile long of what POF does...shortened lifespan, poor life quality, vaginal atrophy, diminished sex drive, extreme mood swings, lack of concentration, and increased risk of osteoporosis (this one was all but guaranteed to me) heart attack, stroke, and various cancers.

Health insurance options may cover birth control pills or HRT, but those don't fix the condition and also have a long list of side effects. Until real research is done on POF, there will be no treatment. And, until health insurance recognizes reproductive infertility as a health condition, there never will be research. Sure, they will do research on high cost reproductive procedures like IVF because people pay for it out of desperation regardless of coverage, but research to cure a condition to make you "operational again"...Hmph. And, if health insurance had to recognize infertility as a "health" condition, they'd most likely have to start covering infertility / fertility at some point.

As my mom says, viagra will always be covered because men run the industry and she has a point. POF is kind of the female equivalent. Someone made a flippant comment during a discussion that if men can't get it up they don't deserve to have children, and in my hormonal state I took great offense because I heard it as "I don't deserve to have children." We'll chalk my over reaction up to the POF raging hormones and I know the person didn't mean one iota of ill will, but in reality, it isn't all that far off. My belief is if abortions are covered, fertility should be. If viagra is covered and researched, POF should be researched, covered and treated as well.

I never engage in political (or religious as the case may be) conversation because I feel it's pointless arguing an issue people are already set in their ways, so forgive me if my ramblings and frustration have riled you up. Not my intention. I was just hoping to work through my feelings and maybe help people look at fertility (and its importance) in another light.  Before my diagnosis I thought of fertility coverage as a "choice" to grow your family and it never hit home that it SHOULD be a choice available, not only to grow your family but treat life altering conditions. I was ignorant. If any other organ in your body didn't function properly, it would be addressed and treated.

Stepping off soap box. <---- Maybe I can just leave my "blah" attitude at the door now and carry on.

In all truth today has been much better. As much as I miss my family, I feel optimistic about things...both my career and fertility.

Hang in there ladies!! God bless!