A Spot is a Spot

April 16, 2014

Squeeeeeee!

So, to the majority of ladies, this would be a big bummer and an eye roll, but to someone who was told her lady parts don’t work, it was literally enough to make me do a little dance for my hubby. Literally, I did a little dance.

I started spotting! Just a little, but it was a mix of brown and pink blood, which means older blood and some fresh blood. The first I’ve seen since having my son. My first thought was my period, but that’d make this cycle have a super short LP (which honestly, we have to start somewhere so I wouldn’t be devastated) or could it be implantation bleeding?? I’m really trying not to get my hopes up, but I guess there is a small possibility. According to my positive OPK’s and temp hike, I ovulated last Friday, which would put me 5 DPO.

If anything, things are starting to work again. At my last u/s my doctor told me, my endometrial lining was paper thin. The doctor before her had told me, basically it would be a pin drop worth of blood if I bled. And this was more than a pin drop J So, along with my fertile CM, cervix that is cooperating raising, lowering and opening, positive OPK’s that go negative when they are suppose to and temperature making a leap, I know have blood thickening up there.

Thank you God!

My Pep Talk

April 13, 2014

So, based on my own research, the science of how our reproductive systems work, basically, a follicle grows and released an egg over the course of 150 days, or about 5 months. In my mind, this is what I keep telling myself. My AMH, was less than .03. So, almost none!! The “egg timer” test as they call this basically says your egg quality is zip. However, as I researched this more, that couldn’t be more incorrect. It says that your GROWING follicles are zip. It has nothing to do with your egg quality or how many dormant follicles you have. There is absolutely no test (to my knowledge) that can test that with absolute certainty. The AMH test is based on assumption. Wow! Something I wish the doctors would have mentioned. So much of these tests are based on assumption, because they think because it IS one way, it cannot improve. No fault of their own necessarily, that’s the way POF is viewed by Western Medicine.

As I dug further, I found several articles stating just that, but am including a link here written by Randine Lewis. I have her book and love it so I wasn’t surprised to find this article online.

http://www.inciid.org/printpage.php?cat=preservation&id=219

In it, she said the same thing. Just because your follicle count, or AMH appears to be “0”, if you can wake up your ovaries, you can indeed start growing them. Your egg quality is determined basically over the three months before it’s decided it will be the dominant follicle.

Looking at my POF timeline, I was diagnosed early January, got my second opinion and final blood tests nearing the end of January. I made some immediate changes, but my first acupuncture session was January 29^th. Based on that initial date, the end of June is really when I should start to see improvement. If I’d had a normal AMH, I’d anticipate results three months sooner.

So, I will be patient. I really do feel like things are starting to swing in the right direction. My body has made a lot of improvement, and I know for a fact there was at least one follicle the doctor saw on my initial u/s during the diagnosis process. Maybe I can catch that little egg as it’s finally released, but if not, I hold faith that I will have a whole slew of healthy follicles and eggs in the near future.

Gooooood Morning Ovaries!

April 12, 2014

Yay! Good news! I went to my TCM today and she said that my Qi is better (pulse) and all of my channels have improved and are stronger. Especially my kidney channel (reproductive channel.) I also told her I had cramping this last week and a bit of lower back pain. I shower her my chart and she saw what I did…my temps came down the last five days or so corresponding with my cramps, high soft open cervix, fertile cm and my positive opks.  My past charts pre baby #1 and pre POF diagnosis always showed a bit of a drop the few days before ovulation and then a sharper rise after the big O. Although, she said after baby and breastfeeding, my cycle could be completely different. She said it seemed like my ovaries were “waking up.” She was cautiously optimistic I could have or be ovulating soon. We’ll see… If I start menstruating I’m suppose to call them. And, if I get a BFP, stop herbs right away. She assured me the herbs she was giving would be safe up until a positive.

Just "Emily"

April 9, 2014

Ok, so I’m not sure why this JUST occurred to me, but my “legal” name and “acting” name are not the same, and honestly, no one cares about my last name anyway here, right? We’re all just taking it one day at a time. So…why am I hiding behind the fact I don’t want casting to lump me with the “infertile” girl before the actor. When I’m more comfortable, maybe I can use any professional status I have (believe me…not a whole lot there right now) to help the POF community in some way. For now, maybe that’s just the incentive and courage I have to start a blog as just “Emily.” I don’t know why I’m so nervous to come out with my infertility struggle. I think because no friends and very few family members really know all we’ve been dealing with. It’s also all so sensitive. Do I really want people judging? Adding their own two  cents? Telling me I’m doing it “wrong?” If people know we are trying, they know we are, well… Very private. And, I’m a VERY private person. It’s all so painfully personal. I’ll continue to pray for strength and guidance. I know unless people step up and talk about it, nothing will change, but, YIKES!

Gotta Get it Out There

April 8, 2014

Well, I think it’s safe to assume that I did NOT ovulate. Bummer. First time I thought there was a good probability. My temps were raised, and I’d had a corresponding OPK and high, soft open cervix. Well, onwards and upwards. Bound to squirt one out eventually, right?

For any readers who are struggling with this disease, here is a link to a petition for POF.

http://www.hopeforpof.com/support-premature-ovarian-failure/sign-pof-support-petition/

The devastating thing about this disease, aside from the OBVIOUS devastation, is that no one is doing anything about it. Most cases of POF are unexplained. Very little research is being done to find out what causes it outside of the “normal” reasons, why it happens or how to treat it. Because, as I’ve discussed before, they only have medications to treat the symptoms – HRT or birth control.

There are limited studies that have been done, but not nearly enough. Heck, when I was diagnosed, I had NO IDEA that this could even happen to anyone. What do you mean my ovaries just stopped working?? How does that happen?

So, what we can do for now is sign the petition and start talking about it. (um….as I write in my private journal on my computer…bashing head into desk…let’s see ladies, can I take my OWN ADVICE???) That will require a lot of nerve. No one knows about my struggles yet except for my parents, my husband’s parents, my siblings and three select friends. It’s hard not to feel broken.

Hang in there and God bless. Praying for my healing and yours.

Just Gimme a Positive or a Period

April 6, 2014

I will admit to feeling a bit frustrated today. I’m 14 days with raised temps and still a negative pregnancy test and no period. Honestly, I’d welcome a positive or my period. It’d be a clear sign things are “healing” properly. I thought I saw a miniscule faint line on the test, but I refuse to get excited after my false positives rending a diagnosis of POF. I promised myself I wouldn’t test today. Yeah right. I’m having a cavity filled Tuesday so will be sure to test before that just in case (they use medicine) but I’ll try to withhold from testing tomorrow. I just can’t figure out if I didn’t ovulate why my temps stayed above coverline…they were all over the place before, and I didn’t get any more positive OPK’s. In fact, they’ve all been super faint. Today it started to darken slightly again, but still not enough for a positive. 

Find YOUR Happiness

April 5, 2014

Well, I’m 13 days past when Fertility Friend says I ovulated. 12 days past my positive OPK. So…if I DID ovulate, anywhere from 11-13 days past ovulation, or DPO in the TTC (trying to conceive) world. Negative pregnancy test. Well, I “think” I saw a slight tinge of a line, but realistically, it’s probably my mind playing tricks on me. And, after my false positives, until I see the line progression as it gets darker, I won’t get too excited. I am excited to see that my temps stayed above cover line though. Fingers crossed.

I’m feeling a bit discouraged this morning by negativity in the POF community. Someone in one of the support groups vented about hating seeing people post pregnancy stuff on FaceBook and someone replied that they’ve deleted and lost countless friends from posting too much about pregnancy. Come on ladies!! 

Let’s throw that negativity out. Yes, we all have the right to get hurt, discouraged, fed up, etc, but the key is to feel and process those feelings and then rise above it. Faulting someone else for their happiness is silly.

Can you imagine, if you deleted all your friends in relationships if you were single? Friends that ran marathons if you were paraplegic? Friends that were chefs or foodies if you were diabetic? You’d have none left. It can get obsessive making everyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells, handle you with kid gloves or hide parts of their lives and happiness from you.

The realistic approach is EVERYONE has their own trials and tribulations. Ours may be infertility and it sucks. BIG TIME! But, there are people dealing with cancer, death of loved ones, debt, depression, abuse, etc. We just don’t know what lies in people’s hearts or in their paths. Instead of faulting people who are celebrating their pregnancies or babies, let’s rejoice with them and hope and pray that we may follow in their footsteps, sooner than later. And, if you can’t do it, just “hide” their posts. Losing friends over our own internal struggle with acceptance, or, in our case, PATH to fertility and healing is silly and selfish. Life is too short to dwell on that.

I wrote a few weeks ago about the tinge of sadness I had over a friend’s pregnancy announcement. It was short lived, and wasn’t the pregnancy itself, but the eerie coincidence of it all. If I’d let myself mull over that, I’d be surrounded by negativity. That’s NOT healthy. And, it’s not Christian. Since then, a few other friends have announced their impending bundle of joy and I can honestly say I was elated with every single one. I guess until that woman posted in that support group about “deleting friends” as they got pregnant or rejoiced in their pregnancy, it never even occurred to me how many women feel that way.

Perhaps it is different for me because I DO have a healthy baby. Perhaps I am naïve. But, I know my “loss” was real when I heard the doctor diagnose me. BUT, I refuse to accept that diagnosis. Only the Lord can see who is barren, and it says right in the bible no man or woman shall be. I trust he will honor his promise. For those of you that aren’t religious, take heart that, scientifically, our bodies were created to heal themselves.

Long post short. Rejoice with others as they rejoice. Let’s not let our own sorrows deflate others. We’re bigger than that. Allow yourself to feel sorrow and grieve, yes. However, find your own happiness. Focus on healing. Focus on health. Focus on less stress. Focus on what you LOVE.

God Bless.