Biting the Bullet

May 28, 2015

Sorry, I feel like I've left you hanging! I haven't posted because there isn't a huge amount to update you on. I ended up spotting for about 10 days. Looking back at the period before the cycle I actually conceived my son I did the same thing. Interesting, knowing what I know now...

I guess the big news is, that on Monday, my husband approached me and said he wanted to actively pursue embryo adoption. We both had a nice talk and feel that if God wants to bless us with a biological child, it's his time. That could be while we wait, while we draw contracts, after the birth... We don't know, but we trust it. In the mean time, we both feel like this is a good opportunity for our family.

We had an open dialog about foster to adopt too. For many reasons, we've opted at this time to not pursue it. I'm a bit bummed, but realistically, we would have to commit to family meetings with the biological family for potentially 18 months several times a week which would require my not working (which we depend on.) My son now only goes to daycare 3 days (this is when I work) so if we tried to do visits his off days, the poor kid would have his schedule revolve around car rides and waiting around for our foster child's visits. I feel bad about restricting him to that. We love our time together.

The other thing is, and I admire my husband's honesty, he would not be able to be patient and lenient with the biological family without judgement. Fostering would require us keep their reunification at the forefront and to not speak badly of them in front of the child he felt would be challenging, but more to bite his tongue in front of them and when dealing with them. I appreciated his honesty. He's a very, say what you mean kind of guy, and as much as I love him, diplomacy isn't his forte.

I do so love the idea of foster to adopt though and we're still considering it as a future option. We've talked about potentially still doing the training now to see if our views change throughout it and if we are called to pursue it. I'll keep you posted.

So, that's where we're at. Still having faith, trudging along :)

God Bless!

Back to TCM

May 14, 2015

Well, today was back to TCM. My female half of the dynamic duo was back from China, and sadly, rather depressed. I think the full gravity of her father's passing has really hit her. She teared up several times during our session.

My pulses I gather were a bit weak today. She knew right off the bat I was dealing with some emotional things. They diagnosed it as depression. I know what that means for them. Stress, emotions, etc. They told me to "relax relax relax." That seems to be the motto that surrounds me whenever I visit. She did say my tongue looked good, so I guess my body overall is doing better.

I talked to them about my osteopenia diagnosis, low estrogen and trouble sleeping and asked them to brew help for all of the above into my magical herb concoction. My male TCM explained to me that they are really trying to fortify my kidney channel which would help all of the above. The kidney channel controls the ovaries, which control the estrogen, which controls the calcium in my bones. And all of the above help sleep.

Give me an extra dose of that, please.

During my acupuncture they put on a new music mix, which, apparently was suppose to be calming and therapeutic and it could not have been further from it. It was like a combo of Chinese music and an Irish jig. I laid there eyes wide open trying to stop my feet from doing the Riverdance on the table. When she came in to adjust my needles I tried to ask her to change it, but she didn't understand me and left. Ah well. I did mention to him when I was done that I prefer the other music. This one just made me want to dance.

I'm back tracking here to my chiropractor appointment this last Monday. I told him also about the osteopenia and he said he was glad I told him but was concerned if they were putting me on any medications. I told him no that I wanted to treat holistically, bracing myself for any backlash and he gave me the thumbs up and said "good for you. That stuff is nasty. Like, really bad for you."

I've been exploring how to raise my estrogen again. I've been doing more research on phytoestrogens. Although I'm still avoiding soy because it can wreak havoc on normal hormonal function, I'm trying to introduce a few phytoestrogens to see if a higher "estrogen" level in my body can help prevent osteoperosis and consequently lower my FSH enough to let me body take over hormone production.

Some of the phytoestrogen I've been using I believe has helped improve my estradiol levels. In my opinion, the shatavari root helps as well as some of the essential ols.

I feel like this is all a wait and see thing. Some will work. Some won't. And, it's important to remember that everybody's body chemistry is different so what works for me may not work for you.

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday and it feels a little bitter sweet to me. All the hub bub about fertility declining after 35 and throw on top of it I'm technically already post menopausal and it makes me feel like it's a lost cause...and then I regroup and say "Screw it. I reject the stupid diagnosis."

I guess what it all comes down to is faith. I was talking to my friend the other night (who just adopted the embryos) and she was asking me about our plans. I told her I just didn't know. I've been praying so hard for a clear definite sign and I've felt like my faith was lacking I hadn't gotten it yet. I said I was in awe, and a bit jealous how her signs were, quite literally, undeniable.

She said something that was so reassuring to me. She said sometimes you just need to start moving ahead and that your feelings are the best indication of God speaking in your life. If we start training for fost adopt and we get that feeling in our gut it isn't right, it isn't. Or if we start the adoption process with embryos and have that sinking feeling, it isn't right. If we start either and we feel excited...Bingo.

I told her my fear pursuing anything right now is that I've put so much faith in God that I will be healed or miraculously get pregnant, that I feel like I'm saying I've lost my faith if I pursue either option. She made me feel better about it not admitting defeat or losing faith. She made a good point that we could go ahead with either and still conceive. It will never be an "end of the road" situation.

I do feel that we've a lot of wonderful options and I'm excited and really scared to explore them. I know and trust our child will find his or her way into our family. Perhaps God had bigger plans than I intended and I need to graciously accept the journey. And, by that, I mean all the things I've learned about valuing my son even more, my relationship with my husband and family, living every day as healthy as I can, as full as I can and finding a closer relationship to God.

I suppose I've rambled long enough.

God Bless!

POF and Pregnant (not me!)

May 13, 2015

I just had to jump on here and update you all with some wonderful news. The support group I am a woman announced she is pregnant this morning.

She conceived through a non medicated IVF cycle. She had only one follicle, her FSH was 29 and was given a very grim prognosis, but she is now due Jan. 20! There are several more in that same group pregnant now, or holding beautiful babies that conceived 100% naturally with no medical intervention.

For many of us, we were given a one in a million or one in ten million odds, so to have several ladies in a forum of 996 members (many of woman many of whom are NOT trying to conceive, just there for moral support of physical ailments and emotional support) is amazing!! It just goes to show there are a LOT of miracle conceptions out there and those statistics are just not accurate.

I'm hoping this bit of news brings as much joy and a smile to your face as it did to me today!

As for me, I've been spotting over a week now. Annoying to say the least, but my blood work had shown a very high FSH and a lower estradoil level so I figure my body is busy sorting stuff out. I anticipate this is either my "period" and I had a thin endometrial lining from low estrogen, or it's just breakthrough bleeding and I'll start my period in a few weeks. Who knows.

All I DO know, is I had a horrible day yesterday trying to not let the depression take over. I kept telling God I needed a in your face sign and was praying for strength and woke up to this. It completely relieved my anxiety. God is in control. Always is.

God Bless.

Doctor Consult

May 4, 2015

Well, by endocrinologist called with my results. Other than my elevated LH and FSH and low estrogen, all my labs were normal. She even commented that my iron levels, although higher than normal, were far, far lower than she anticipated. She said I'm doing an excellent job managing my hemochromatosis.

She did say her recommendation was estrogen therapy to stop the bone loss. However, she told me until we were done trying to have children, that was out of the question as HRT would do nothing to prevent my bone loss. Interesting because that is what everyone seems to recommend for POF. She said HRT was a low dose estrogen, usually given to post menopausal woman to help with symptoms like hot flashes, but it was not a high enough dose to prevent bone loss in a 35 year old woman. She would put me on birth control pills, which is a much higher dose estrogen until I was 51, at the typical menopausal age.

I think a lot of POF advocates would disagree with the above assessment as HRT is touted as helping to prevent bone loss. I honestly just don't know who or what to believe. In my heart, I don't like the idea of a lifetime of pharmaceuticals that have a list a mile long of side effects.

I did appreciate she didn't push the subject. She said I have to be ready to give up the thought of having a baby first. We scheduled a dexa scan for in two years. She said without therapy she didn't anticipate it getting better, but with calcium, vitamin D and weight bearing exercises hopefully it wouldn't worsen too much.

I did ask her about just having bone loss in the spine and she said there was a bit in my hips as well. They define bone loss as two standard deviations away from another woman my same age. So, -2 is the cut off. My hips were -2.1 and my spine -2.3. So, although it does show bone loss, I don't think it's too alarming to be so slightly below. Given my petite size and low body mass, it's typical to be on the low end of that bell curve.

I really don't like the thought of birth control for the rest of my life. I blame part of my issues on being on it for 15 years to start with. For now, I think I'll just concentrate on being healthy and supplementing. There are a few oils and supplements that are phytoestrogens that I'd like to try to incorporate (slowly so as not to disrupt a good thing I've got going here) to try and elevate my estrogen levels to prevent bone loss naturally.

But, as always, just trusting my body will get things in gear on it's own with God's healing hand.

Cycle Day 42 Check In

May 3, 2015

Just a quick check in for you. Not a whole lot has changed here. Still feeling great, sleeping well and am asymptomatic. I did get a Zyto re-do at the event the other night and am happy to report my heart and inner child (emotional blockages) are clear. I really do think opening up about our struggles helped release a lot of my inner demons and depression.

It was funny, the oil it suggested was Brain Power. I had been running around like a maniac trying to get things set for that evening, juggle work, my son's schedule and some acting things. I had 30 "points" out of line and 20 were from that. So, honestly I just laughed and felt really good about it. I knew that was only a temporary issue from stress and a crazed mind.

The other oil suggested was celery seed, which I thought was really interesting because I can usually smell it in my TCM herbs. It's usually one of the strongest herbs in there, and I remember telling my mom I couldn't smell the celery seed in this last batch. Apparently, my body missed it.

The other one was a cortisol supplement, that I too think was only a temporary issue due to stress.

All in all, my imbalances were minor, which I honestly thought they would be going in. I feel great. My breasts have been a bit tender on and off so I feel like my body is pumping some hormones. I haven't been charting, but I'm on day 42 of this cycle. For now, just plugging along to see what happens.

I go back and forth about charting the next cycle. My TCM wants me to, but I find it liberating not. Honestly, I think I may just hold off on that. I've kind of placed it in God's hands and am trusting that. I feel like charting and all the testing just kept reinstating in my mind I was "sick" versus giving it to God and trusting and expecting I am well. The trusting I am healed has manifested as my feeling good and having no symptoms. I'll go with that. As silly as it sounds, I give my body affirmations it's well and functioning properly. Good thing I've always been a good listener, eh?  ;)

My next chore is to get into a gym. Right now, I've been really conscientious about taking long and fast strolls with my son every other day or so. When I'm working, I take mini breaks and do 50 jumping jacks before sitting back behind the desk. I know it's a minor change, but I want my circulation getting blood where it needs to go (hello, ovaries that's you) and to get some more weight bearing time in for my spine.

It's curious, my aunt went in for her dexa scan after chemo and she mentioned it's good she's being monitored because her sister (my mom ) and I have early onset osteopenia, but only in the spine. Her doctor said she's not convinced we do as any shadow in the spine could register as bone loss. An injury, misalignment, anything. She said she only really went by bone loss in the ankle. My doctor didn't check for that. I do have a phone consult on Monday to go over my results, so I'll ask about the bone loss only in the spine.

Off to church. God Bless and stay strong! 

Heart Fire, Healing and Health

April 25, 2015

Well, my labs are rolling in and so far no surprises. The things I knew were high, iron and FSH, are high. The thing I knew was low, estrogen, is low. There are a few on the cusp or too high or too low, but most are smack dab in the middle. My vitamin D is on the low end of normal so I think she'll suggest a higher dose.

It was back to my TCM today for acupuncture and a reload of herbs. I brought up the osteopenia and he said he'd add some herbs for that, but it all ties into my kidney channel. The kidney channel controls bone, which is what also controls reproduction. Makes sense. It controls ovaries which control estradiol production which controls how bones absorb calcium.

He also said after looking at my tongue, that the tip was red which meant heart fire. He asked if I'd been emotional. Why yes, yes I have. He also asked if I'd had a bit of dizziness of nausea. Why yes, yes I have. I'd actually written about it a week or so ago wondering if it was one of the oils I was using.

He said it's called heart fire because ancient Chinese thought he heart controlled emotion, much like we did too. When you're sad, you are heartbroken. Same thing. It has nothing to do the with heart organ itself, but the emotions. He said he'd add some things to my herbs to calm my emotions.

When he did the acupuncture, he explained to me the fire spots that go from the tip of your middle finger to the inner arm near the elbow. They are the line of fire. The tip of your finger is wood, in the palm is fire, on the wrist is earth, near it metal and up your warm water. He put needles in the earth (ash) and water position to poor water on my emotions and depression so there was ash. Basically, to get rid of it. Pretty cool.

As long as I'm paying for this, I'm having him take care of everything. I was a bit like a porcupine today with 44 needles ranging from fertility, to depression to carpal tunnel. Those carpal tunnel ones are killers. They send shock waves up your whole hand right up your finger. I have to say I despise those ones, but I haven't been having pain anymore so I trust they are working.

He also explained to me that when my other doctor returns from China next week that her needles where too high on my abdomen. They should be one inch above my pubic bone. Apparently she was too shy to pull my pants down far enough.

When they both feel I'm ready they will do the "pregnancy hold" acupuncture which is apparently just five needles. One in the stomach, two on the calves (I think that's where he pointed) and two in the ankle. He said right now they are busy increasing energy all over, but when I'm strong enough, that will really zero in on that one area and it is powerful.

Honestly, I find TCM fascinating. It really is incredible how the whole body ties into itself. It seems rather obvious, but when you think how one small things sets off a chain reaction. Amazing.

He did ask how my temp was and I had to admit I haven't been temping. He said a mental break was good for my emotional well being, but I get the sense he'd like me to start again at some point. I will. For now, the break is good.

As I write this I'm busy doing my oil pulling. Not as bad as when I first started. I do need to start with my castor oil packs again at some point. It's really quite relaxing, I just need to get into my rythym. My husband has been traveling and between working full time, taking care of my son and keeping things moving on the acting front, I just haven't had the time. I need to change that.

My mother in law called the other day saying her sister, a nurse on a maternity ward, tracked down an OBYN at a conference who knew about POF. This doctor was adamant that the first thing I should have been tested for was celiac. That they are finding major ties between it and POF and infertility in general. I emailed my OB, who I think took a bit of offense because she instructed me to contact my regular doctor very curtly. I figure they've been testing me for everything else, one more test can't hurt.

It's not surprising really. The wheat in this country is appalling. It's nothing like the ancient wheat our ancestors use to eat. It's even harvested too early (for higher profit) making the chemical make up completely different. Makes me shudder, our food industry.

I know a lot of blood tests for celiac come up false negative and the biopsy is the only way to tell, but regardless my result (if they allow it) I may give it up for a while to see how it impacts me. A lot of women in the infertility forum have had tremendous improvement once kicking gluten. Makes me wonder...

I'm attending an essential oil event. I also want a new Zyto scan. Remember, my last one said heart (emotional) health was impaired and inner child (emotional conflict from past.) I'm curious in light on what my TCM said, what it is now.

I've also really delved back into the word. There was a passage in Nerida's book (who you know I love) that said to stop saying you have the condition you have. Your tongue is a powerful sword and what you say is, IS. So, I've been talking to my body every morning and every night. "Body, you work perfectly. Body, you are healed. Ovaries, you have plentiful eggs that are growing. Body, you hormones are the correct levels. Body, you are in line with what God said, that you should be fruitful and multiply." May sound silly, but I believe the spoken word and the mind are powerful.

God Bless.

Endocrinologist and EA Oh My!

April 22, 2015

WELCOME TO MY 100TH POST!!!

Well, shortly after I hit "post" the other day, my endocrinologist's office called to schedule me for a next day appointment. Um, either that is crazy efficient or I should be worried, right??

Well, after my appointment, I decided, they are just super efficient. I will be honest, I braced myself to go in there and fight a battle for not medicating and being pushed to take pharmaceuticals. Thankfully, my doctor was extremely like minded. Her philosophy is there are great meds on the market, yes; however they should be used with caution, sparingly and appropriately. When I'm 65, then is the time to start meds for osteoporosis. Now, she felt it was unethical because there have not been long term studies done with these medications. 5 years. Sure. 10 years. Maybe, but even then she prescribes her patients to rotate on then off the medications.

If you remember, about a year ago I spoke about a condition I have called hemochromatosis. Bascially, what it is, is my body holds on to iron. I have too much. She said that this could be exacerbating my bone loss. If iron is being "caught" by my pituitary gland, it could be disrupting endocrine function (my hormones) and basically leaching calcium.

I have a lot of strikes against me in the bone health department. My mom was diagnosed with osteoporosis at 48 which is super young. I'm slender (higher bmi equals less risk of bone loss) at 103 lbs. I have small bones to start with. With POF I have estrogen deficiency. If my thyroid or pituitary is having issues that will compound the issue.

So, I have to hand it to her, she ordered 25 blood tests. Count them. 25! After today we should really know all my hormone levels. I won't even bother type them here. I took a photo of the lab order.

In addition to all these labs she ordered a 24 hour urine collection kit. She's checking for calcium in my urine. If there is, it could be a kidney issue where they just excrete all the calcium versus my body absorbing it.

Good news is, if there is a reason for bone loss other than the above mentioned, she's being very thorough to catch it and correct it. I asked if the hemochromatosis or an underlying issue could be causing POF. Although she said she's not a reproductive endocrinologist, she doesn't believe so. She feels that my elevated FSH indicates I have no eggs.

I think we all know I think that is, well, BS, but I let it slide. I did say the fertility specialist I met with said it could absolutely be an endocrine or hormonal disruption preventing the eggs from being recruited. She kind of shrugged it off saying she can't help me conceive, but can fix my underlying issues.

My book. Score. I'm of firm mind a healthy body is a healthy body inside and out (and all around.)

My score was, I believe she said -2.4. She said it's not fair to say I have osteoporosis because it's diagnosed on a bell curve according to age. I can't be compared to those in my age. The only certain thing is I have osteopenia, which means lower bone density than what I should.

She did say I should really consider HRT unless I have a family history of breast cancer. Um, my maternal grandma and aunt had it and mom has already had numerous biopsies...yeah, I'd really like to pass. She said once we rule out all other causes, and if I'm left with estrogen deficiency alone to think it over. She DID say she'd support me treating holistically with herbs, supplements and EOs under her monitoring for a couple years. If still in two years I'm losing bone mass, she'd ask I revisit HRT again. Ok, two years out, I'll agree to consider it ;)

When I got to the lab this morning - I had to have the blood draw between 8 and 9 am, the woman checking me in said "Holy Granola! You have a LOT of labs here. Are you ok with all these?"

Well, yeah, stick me once. I'm not paying a $40 copay for each visit thank you very much. She grabbed my urine collector kit which was a sterile container to collect urine and an orange tub 3000 ml (101.44 oz.) Um, give me two or three. She looked at me blank faced like I was crazy. "It's only 24 hrs."

"Yeah, give me several." She gave me two. Full disclosure, I got home at 8:30 am. It's 1:21 pm here and I already have the first full to the 2600 ml mark. I drink a lot of water. I knew this about myself. No one believes me. I'm thinking the last eight hours or so I'm sleeping so I think it'll be enough...either that or I'll be seriously limiting my intake this evening.

She scheduled a phone consult with me in two weeks, on May 4 at noon to go over the results. My labs post immediately as entered online, so unfortunately, that leaves me way way way too much time to consult Dr. Google. Be honest, you all know him/her too.

As a result of my post the other day on Facebook, a woman approached us about EA. Her requirement is we have at least two children with her embryos. If blessed with twins straight out of the gate, awesome. But, our hesitation is if the first FET doesn't work, or if we only get one child, we would have to do it again. Which, well, it's expensive. We had a lovely correspondence, but I told her we needed some time to pray about it. In the mean time if she found a home for them, I understood, but we'd chat with her soon. If it's God's will I know they'll still be there if we decide on them.

(EDIT - after I published this, the phone rang and it was our fertility clinic. They decided if we find outside embryos they will waive the $3000 administrative fee. What??? I'm stunned. The clinic was thrilled to hear about the 6 day blasts and the excellent quality. I also found out from the woman that offered her embryos that her grandparents lived in the town my husband grew up in. Spooky coincidence. We still have to prayerfully consider this option because her only request is we have bio siblings from her set as long as embryos remain. The good news either way, if we wait, the fee is waived so we can pursue outside embryos now without that looming over us. The clinic also told me they may have an in house match available pending donor final approval. I'm a bit overwhelmed things are happening so quickly and I'm not sure we are ready to move forward yet. Many prayers and conversations for my husband and I...)

Our pastor from church, whom I spoke with his wife on Sunday about a referral for fost adopt, actually called yesterday and had written a glowing letter for us already. Incredible how quickly people offer help. He said he'd be more than happy to counsel us through the process and also with any emotions or issues that arose. He too has adopted within the foster system, older children, and has helped some people within the church as well.

So much is happening so quickly.

Well, I'm sure we'll chat before my results are all in so I can agonize over them, but for the time being, stay strong. Even with all the headway on EA and fost adopt (look at me getting all the lingo right, it's not foster to adopt, but fost adopt) my husband and I were chatting on the phone while I drove to my blood draw today. He said he was praying and he's is at utter peace for natural conception. And, you know what. I feel at peace with it too. I'll be thrilled either way however our child comes, but there's peace there.

God's in control. Always is.

God Bless.