Dear Embryo Donor

Dear Anonymous Embryo Donor,

You don't know me. I may just look like an average woman on the street. Maybe you see me hurried to get my son to school or hear my laughter ring out. You may see me smiling with friends or waiting in a grocery line. But, that isn't all of me.

You haven't seen my tears or seen me crumble in a pile asking God why. You haven't heard my prayers or glimpsed the pain in my eyes at yet another negative test. You don't know the burden on my heart or my marriage... You changed that.

You have blessed me. You have dried my eyes. You have answered my prayers. You have put a glint of happiness in my eyes and joy into my heart.

Dear donor, you have allowed me to once again feel that optimism of a positive pregnancy test. You have allowed me that moment of utter delight and tears or joy to see that flicker of a heart and hear that beautiful beat. You've given me the chance to experience the exhaustion, the sickness, the discomfort of growing a baby, and I'm grateful. You have allowed me to feel my baby move around inside me, taking my breath away with each kick. You have allowed me the utter amazement as I look at an ultrasound and count ten little fingers and ten little toes. See a little nose and mouth, legs and arms. You have given me the gift of childbirth - each mind boggling contraction bringing forth absolutely raw emotion and unmatched strength I didn't know I was capable of. You allowed me to see my incredible boy being brought into this world. To hold his slippery little body against my chest as his cord stopped pumping. For his father to cut the cord and stare at amazement at his son. To look into his big brown eyes and kiss every inch of his perfect little body. You have allowed me to feed him and sustain him. To hug him and cuddle him.

You have allowed me the honor or waking up to feed him, calm him, change him and love him. Utterly exhausted, I'm still grateful to catch a glimpse of his sweet face as he nurses by moonlight, to breathe in his unmistakable scent as I rock him to sleep, to feel that soft tickle of his hair against my chin.

You have allowed me the honor of calming him when he is tired. Hugging him when he is scared. Consoling him when he is inconsolable. You have granted me the privilege of caring for him when he is sick, fighting for him when he is helpless and loving him with every ounce of my being.

You have graced me with the gift of his laughter and his wide bright smile that lights up a room. You have let me be amazed by his strength, his easy demeanor and his endless chatter.

Dear donor, I will never be able to look you in the eyes and thank you from the very core of my being for such a selfless gift. You undoubtedly questioned what to do. You most likely wondered if a family could love your babies as much as you could. You may have considered destroying your embryos or donating them to science. You may have wavered wondering if you could do it. Let them go. You may have cried, questioned, cursed, yelled.

Thank you for your selflessness. Thank you for blessing our family with the gift of a child. Thank you for blessing our son with a life. An opportunity to grow, love, live. We will always let him know he was conceived, in love. You loved him so much you gave him an opportunity at life. He was wanted from day one. By you. By us. He will know how much we yearned for him. Prayed for him. He will know he is loved by all of us.

I look at my son and tears spring to my eyes on a daily basis knowing had you made a different decision, he would not exist. That is unfathomable to me. He is perfect. He is special. He is loved. I know with every fiber of my being our son was intended for us by God. He is with us for a reason.

Dear donor. Thank you. We love you. We pray for you.

You may look like an average man and woman on the street...but you are more. You are our angels. God bless you always.

Our new arrival!!

Nov. 30, 2016

I am VERY over due updating my blog. It's been hectic around here!

At my last doctor's appointment my doctor told me an induction was necessary as the placenta became less efficient after 41 weeks. I consented to it as I chatted about in my last post.

When we arrived to the induction on the 10th they didn't have a room ready so I grabbed a bite to eat and we walked around the hospital. I had high hopes I'd suddenly start labor while meandering the halls. As we got checked in, I went into my spiel with each nurse, doctor and midwife my horrible experience last time and how I really was scared for this induction and wanted a better experience. Everyone seemed receptive!

They hooked me up to the monitor and checked how dilated and effaced I was. Still around 1 1/2" - 2" dilated and the same effaced as my prior appointment. I was contracting however on a regular basis and they said that even if I had not had a reaction to Cytotec last time, they couldn't use it. Basically, I was not dilated or effaced enough for pit, but contracting too steadily for Cytotec or Cervidil. Fine by me, I'd already told them I refused the Cytotec.

I also requested no IV yet, just a block for when we needed it. My hubby was in the background setting up our little diffuser and oil selection :) And, we kept that baby working throughout the entire labor, delivery and post partum during our stay. In fact, several nurses got my contact info it was so helpful.

We agreed on a cooks balloon. Basically, it's like an empty water balloon with a spot that inflates on the inside of your cervix, and one on the outside. They would insert it, then fill it with water and the pressure would make me contract more heavily and hopefully dilate me.

Inserting it was brutal. They had a resident try and after about six failed attempts the doctor took over. She was did NOT have a delicate touch. She tried about six or seven times as well. Youch! Once it was finally inserted and filled with water, it was to stay in place for 12 hrs. During that time, I could walk around as much as I wanted and eat with hourly monitoring on and off.

Once I had an hour monitoring, my hubby and I started walking the halls. We did so on and off for about seven hours until we decided around 11 to try and get a bit of rest as the balloon would be removed at 3:50 am. Trying to get comfortable with a balloon hanging out of you and constant contractions is for the birds. I maybe got an hour rest in.

At 3:50 they came in to remove the balloon and the nurse said she'd let me rest until 6 am when the doctor would come examine me. Well, five minutes later, the doctor burst in, flipped on the lights in and in a HORRENDOUS mood gave me the most uncomfortable dilation check of my life.  I was 4 cm and about 70% effaced.She then snapped to start the pit immediately. Um...no.

"Could I take a quick shower and eat something before we start the pit? I know once it's started I can't really move or eat." She didn't take too kindly to that. Um, where did the nice receptive doctor at check in go?!? She consented to let me shower and the nurse pressed her to let me have a cold sandwhich to which she curtly said "Fine. Don't take too long in the shower and I refuse to let you sit around for breakfast at 6."

As soon as she left, I turned to my nurse and asked why the pressure to speed this along and reiterated that there was no emergency, the baby was looking great on the monitors and that I wanted this to go smoothly without risking the baby's safety or my uterus. After a frank discussion, she went back to consult the doctor and returned stating I had an option to break the water or start the pit. "Can I move around if you break the water?" The doctor said no. So...no sense in doing that.

The doctor returned in a much better mood and we discussed everything again. I consented to starting the pit at 2, but only raising it by 1, not 2, every 30-45 minutes versus 20-30 that was standard. I also asked that once contractions were steady we spread it out more allowing my body to work on it's own. She seemed irritated, but I didn't care...she agreed. So it began.

At shift change, an AWESOME midwife and nurse came on and they were 100% behind me. They actually let me call the shots when we increased the meds as long as contractions were 2-3 min apart. They also were very cool with me bouncing on my ball and moving around a bit in front of the monitor. My nurse was lovely to bring Popsicles often and ice chips and water. I also had brought in NingXia Red, which is a Young Living drink (shameless plug for YL oils which helped me immeasurably throughout labor and pregnancy which you can buy here!) and a few snacks that I ate freely. And, lo and behold, my contractions got stronger each time I ate something. Go figure. I was also applying clary sage to help intensify them.

As the day wore on, I upped the pit dose a few times and the midwife checked on me a few times. She told me when I was ready, they could break my water if I wanted to intensify things. After raising the pit once more, we decided to go ahead with that plan. I would have to lay on the bed for 30 minutes to ensure the water was clear. THAT was difficult. I had been moving to manage contractions up until this point, and once the water went, it was full steam ahead. I was at a 6 when they broke my water at 7 pm. At 7:30 I literally rolled out of bed, leaned against it and with my hypnobabies tract playing on my ipod managed to breathe and "relax" through each contraction. I will not lie. Most intense sensation I've ever felt.

My husband was awesome to rub lavender on my back and shoulders to help me relax and kept giving me cold packs for my forehead and back of neck. I vaguely remember him trying to feed me and my chasing him away. The nurse, who just came on at 7 kept trying to ask questions which I ignored every one...my husband finally told her to communicate through him, I was obviously "doing my thing." The only time I spoke to her was to request they drop the pit down a bit. She decreased it two notches. About 15 min later seeing how much pain I was in, she dropped it some more. Within minutes, I was telling her I needed to be checked.

She checked me and I was at a nine with a lip of cervix. I got to my knees just as another contraction hit and went limp over my husband's shoulders and shouted to her "I'm pushing. I'm pushing. I know I'm not suppose to, but my body is pushing." She laid me back down to check me and I was fully dilated and effaced. On the next contraction she told me to give one push. I heard her on the phone requesting the midwife and staff saying "She's a good pusher. The baby is coming."

Next thing I knew, everyone, including residents were there and I was pushing. I sputtered out to bring the mirror so I could see the baby as I knew I'd push better. He was cockeyed in there so I had to roll to one side so he could come out. And all of a sudden, there he was. The cord was wrapped around his neck, so I had to do controlled pushes and breathing until they were able to unlatch it, and out he came. Our beautiful baby boy! He arrived at 8:54 pm after a 29 hour labor.

We had skin to skin where they checked his vitals from my chest. I remember shushing him and the nurse saying no, let him cry! Since the cord had been around his neck, they wanted to ensure he "pinked" up. I love our hospital now allowed the cord to stop pulsing on it's own which was something I had requested when they asked my birth plan. Probably about 15 min later, the midwife had us both feel the cord to see if it was done pulsing and my husband clipped it. They had to take a small blood sample from it because a blood test had shown my son was at risk for anemia and jaundice.

I did start to hemorrhage, so they took my son to weigh him and attend to him while they fixed me up. The cytotec that I had wanted to avoid, I got a huge dose of as well as pit to ensure the bleeding stopped. Once I was doing better and stitched up from a tear, they brought out little guy back in and a big plate of food for me to eat.

I was shivering so badly they wrapped me in about six warm blankets and gave the baby to my husband for skin to skin. Apparently blood loss and adrenaline does that to you! It took about two hours for me to stop shaking. The nurse said I was shaking the whole bed. She did give me mad props for doing an induced delivery with no meds. And, I will say, the recovery is a ton easier without an epi. Intense as all get out during it, but after so much better.

All in all, we had an awesome experience. We had a few issues with latching during nursing which resulted in bleeding nipples (I know other mamas can relate) and severely engorged breast for the first week, but we've found our rhythm.

Our other son, finally got to meet his baby and came marching through the hospital in a lab coat wearing his stethoscope proudly carrying flowers for mommy. Watching him meet his brother and hold him was one of the most touching moments of my life to date. He's been exceptional with him.

I find myself feeling bad at times restricted to the couch or rocker nursing the baby and not giving our other son our full attention, but I'm doing the best that I can.

You know, it's funny. Three years ago when I was diagnosed with POF, I felt a part of me died. Now, looking back, I know in my heart of hearts this journey was intentional. Without it, we would not have our son. I love him so incredibly much and every tear I cried, every frantic moment, doubt and angry word I sputtered at God...it was for a reason. I believe our family is intentional and this child was meant to be with us. In my heart of hearts, I know it was all for him to be with us. I will never be upset over my diagnosis again. Do the side effects suck? Yeah. Was it worth it to welcome this child...yes. For all you women out there who feel a loss, please consider embryo donation, adoption or foster to adopt. I can attest that genetics does NOT make a family. The love you will have for your child no matter how they come, will be immeasurable. Much love to you all.

God bless.

40 weeks 6 days

Nov. 9, 2016

Well, 41 weeks tomorrow. And, induction day. Not my ideal. But, when it comes down to it, I do know after 41 weeks there are higher risks and after all we fought for, healthy baby is priority uno. I was able to chat with my doctor though at my appointment Tuesday regarding my concerns. My last induction was a nightmare. I reacted poorly to all the meds, almost ruptured my uterus...long, painful. This time, she told us to be firm with the hospital staff we don't care how long it takes. Low and slow is the game plan.

Last time I was emergency induced for extremely low fluid. This time, the fluid is fine, baby looks fine, so if it takes longer, it takes longer. I'm arguing against cytotec and LOW LOW LOW doses of pit and taking me off when labor is established. My hubby even recorded my doctor and my discussion so if there is any issue we can play it. She said to ensure they don't give me more than 50% of the maximum dose, so no more than 10 units of pit throughout the whole process. I'm aiming for MUCH lower. I'm feeling more positive about it. Last time we rushed there, were first time parents and slightly panicked for our child's welfare. This time, we feel like we have a game plan and our OB's backing so we can talk more about options.

My in laws are in town and mother just text her plan just landed (hubby is getting her now) so our son will be well taken care of which is a giant stress relief. No worries about arranging midnight childcare or how long the process is. I did say I don't want visitors in the labor room. Once he's here, welcome all, but I really just want it to be chill. I don't want to make small talk between contractions.

We've been doing a lot of walking. Before my in-laws arrival we were doing nightly walks with our son, and since they've been here we've taken a few with him, but were fortunate enough to get a nice long hilly one in tonight. It feels so good, both to walk and enjoy the slight chill in the air. In SoCal were still in the upper 80s during the day, but at night it drops so it feels a bit like fall and I love, love love it!

It's been such a bizarre day. To begin, everyone has been beyond nasty, belligerent, judgmental and just so mean spirited regarding the election. I told Bryce I thank my lucky stars our sweet boy didn't come today. He would have been overshadowed by hate. I'm not sure how much better it will be tomorrow or the following day, but I'll be happy he has at least a scrap of distance from it all.

I've just been very emotional and hormonal. This evening, tucking my son in, I walked out of his room with a tear in my eye. Knowing it was the last time I kissed and hugged my son good night as an only child really resonated with me. I know there is so much love in my heart for our new little babe, but I somehow wonder HOW I can love another human as much as I love my one son already. I remember talking to my mom and she said your heart only grows bigger. I am so proud of him and how sweet, loving and caring he is. He will be the best big brother ever and I think one of the most exciting and emotional times in my life will be to see him walk into that hospital room and hold his baby brother for the first time.

Tomorrow I plan to have a big ole' breakfast and fuel up before the 1 pm induction. Maybe a walk in the morning and to just take it easy. I've got all my oils packed to help with the delivery and post partum, snacks for myself and hubby and son for when he visits and a little gift for him from the baby. We're ready to rock.

Well, the next time I post, I will have our sweet baby boy here with us and not jousting my bladder, ribs and various internal organs. We're so curious and excited to meet him. If I may ask for your prayers and blessings on easy and successful delivery.

God bless.

39 weeks 1 day

Oct. 28, 2016

It was back to the doctor today for NST and AFI. Apparently, my contractions are still every 6 minutes going strong. He was a bit more active today and my fluid was the highest it's been at 13.6, so all is well. When she was checking the fluid, the tech pointed out why I've been contracting with no progress. Apparently, his head is a bit to the right of my pelvis so he's kind of missing the entry and not fully engaged. Until he straightens out, I'll just continue this unending pattern. My body is trying to labor basically, but baby isn't in place. She said I'm probably at least a week away...unless I go home and do some serious dancing and hip swivels. lol The reality is they are present, sometimes uncomfortable, but not painful. If it was seriously painful I'd have been swiveling and doing lunges on my way out the building.

Well, I did grab the exercise ball from the garage when I got home to blow up. I'm debating not doing anything to actively encourage it though until after Halloween. Sounds silly, but I really hope he isn't born on Halloween. It's such a fun kid's night and I don't want him always overshadowed with it. And, to be honest, we have a fall festival at church tomorrow night with trunk or treat that I'm suppose to work, I'm suppose to be cooking cupcakes for church Sunday and the big Halloween potluck and trick or treat Monday night my son is looking forward to going to with all his buddies. I want him to have a fun Halloween. I'm saying all this in theory...our little snowflake staying cozy until next Tuesday wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Maybe I'll start swiveling my hips after trick or treating Monday ;) Or, maybe he'll surprise us earlier. Who knows.

The good thing is, he's doing well. He seems happy as can be in there. Myself, I'm definitely to the point of uncomfortable. I have to do the roll to get up out of bed or off the couch and I apparently have developed reflux at night. I can't lay flat or stomach acid comes up. Pairing that with four or five bathroom trips per night, my sleep is out the window. Small price to pay though, right?

I had an awesome day with my son yesterday. My husband was working and I decided it would be a fun day for just us two. We stayed in our jammies late and read books and played trucks. Went for a beautiful walk in the somewhat cooler morning weather, made lunch together, snuggled and napped. Then, we did pumpkins at night and my husband brought home pizza for dinner. It was really nice to hang with him. I know he won't be the "only child" much longer and my time with just him will be fleeting. He will always be my special baby...it just takes my breath away to think he'll be four soon. They say it goes fast, and wow, does it ever. I look at him and literally get teary eyed. I love him so much. I'm so proud of what a sweet boy he's grown into and his sensitive, heart. He's such a lover. He will honestly be the best, most protective, caring big brother ever. Our little guy is so lucky to have him.

God bless!

38 weeks 6 days

Oct. 26. 2016

One day shy of 39 weeks! I had my weekly appointment today and my NST / AFI appointment. All is well. Baby was sleeping so an apple juice and granola snack later and a little vibrator jab to the tummy and he woke up. I'm consistently contracting every 6 minutes, but I've just come to the plain ole conclusion I'm one of those lucky women who just contract for months before the big show. I guess my body needs lots of practice. What is that called, prodromal labor?

I'll be honest, I left a bit defeated. Last week with contractions every 3 minutes I was checked to be told I was barely dilated and 30% effaced, -2 position. This week, different doctor, 1 1/2 cm dilated, not effaced and -3 position...sooooo....less dilated. Less dropped. Ugh. Goes to show you how different doctors are.

I'm feeling a bit down I guess because I've just been feeling so sick. All day, every day. It was just when I ate before, now it's like this ongoing nausea, hot flashes, constant pressure and contractions. I can't sleep and am incredibly low energy. Where is this energy surge people speak of? I think I hit it early for a month or two and cleaned like a vixen, now I just want to curl up. I feel awful, because I know that sounds less than grateful for where I am right now despite everything, so, my apologies and embarrassment. I just really, really, really don't want to be induced. I had such a horrible experience last time and each day we march on near my due date I hit a stage of panic. I'm sure that isn't helping. I just need to relax.

Good news is when I expressed to my doctor (who was back today) that I really did NOT want to be induced she said we didn't even need to have that discussion yet because everything looked good. We scheduled my post term appointment for 40 weeks 5 days and I think I can eek by until that one without uttering the word again. So, that is good news. Last pregnancy, she was pushing induction every appointment. My husband said our babies just like to snuggle with me and I have a warm welcoming environment ;)

I've started rubbing on my oils and drinking my red raspberry leaf tea to help prime the pump. I am up to bi-weekly NST / AFI now. I go back Friday. But, my fluid has remained between 10 and 11.5 so all is good there. Baby is active.

I'm just plain in a cruddy mood. I think lack of sleep has a lot to do with it and not feeling well. But, all in all, everything is good. My son is getting pumped for Halloween and I promised him we'd carve pumpkins tomorrow. I do love the fall and the weather has been a bit cooler in the evenings so we've been going for walks which is nice.

I'll keep ya posted!

God Bless!

37 weeks

Oct. 13, 2016

Full term! Well, early term, but full all the same. I had my doctor's appointment yesterday and all is well. We started the NST (non stress test) and AFI (amniotic fluid index) testing yesterday. You know, because I'm "geriatric" and because of my low fluids and resulting induction last time.

For those who've never had it done, they put on two belts, similar to what you would where during monitoring for labor. Each belt has a monitor. One measures the baby's heat beat and the other measures contractions. Each time your baby moves you press a little button.

Our guy, as I've mentioned before is quite the active fellow. After about ten minutes the nurse came to check on me and told me "Don't press the button each time he hiccups." What? I was confused. "What do you mean?" "You shouldn't be pressing it for hiccups."

*confused look* "I'm not."

"He's moving that much??" "Yup!" "Wow. Your baby is an overachiever." ...as I got another jab.

The movements can get quite uncomfortable. I wonder if it's because my placenta is in the front not cushioning my organs like it did with my son. Because, yow!

I was monitored for a bit less than 30 minutes and had had 3 contractions. If I was reading the print out right, they were about every 8 minutes or so. I'd told my doctor I'd been having them, but she wasn't concerned. I was a day away from "full term" so she said I could go anytime and the baby would be fine. I'm not certain I'll be "going" anytime soon as I was contracting with my son for over a month at regular intervals as well. I WILL say this time they are more intense. If I had to guess, I'd guess the baby will come early this time.

Next up, AFI testing. For this they lay you flat and do an ultrasound. They measure the four quadrants of your uterus, so picture a big plus sign on your abdomen. Each quadrant, they get a measurement of amniotic fluid. My fluid yesterday was 10. Not a ton, but definitely in normal ranges. The nurse said when it hits 6 is when they send you to the hospital for induction. I think I was around 4 with my son when they basically ushered me to the door and said go immediately to the hospital. My fluids two weeks ago were 11.2, so I'm thinking they should hold on until I'm full gestation. Fingers crossed :)

That is about all the excitement I have here. I've gotten a TON done around the house the past few days and we are in good shape. If I were to go into labor early, our house is clean and presentable for the baby sitter and inlaws arrival. Bag is packed. Food is well stocked.

God bless!

36 weeks 1 day

October 7, 2016

We are cruising along here! I can't believe in less than a week I will technically be "full term" although we'd like to let baby bake a few weeks longer. I feel like the last month or two has been a whirlwind, but things are starting to take shape.

My older son is now settled into his big boy room. Aside from some decor we want to get done, he's got a bed, mattress and sheets, so score. The baby's room is set and ready to go. Fully stocked with laundered clothing and diapers, crib reset and bedding washed. All our baby "stuff" like swings, bouncers, blankies...all washed, all disinfected.

Now, I turn to deep cleaning the house and freezing meals. We have a bit more decorating to do in my son's room and the nursery, so fingers crossed I can get that done. I also really need to put my hospital bag together. Tonight, I'm blending my postpartum spray getting crafty with my oils. I wanted a more natural approach to assist with my healing "down there." If you want to know what oils I suggest, go here. I'm doing a blend with lavender, frankincense, clary sage and helichrysum in witch hazel.

As for the baby, he is an ACTIVE bugger. This kid never stops moving. At my appointment Weds, I had a new doctor because mine left for the rest of the month to go be with her daughter giving birth, and she asked if I'd been doing kick counts. I started laughing. There was no need because he never stopped moving. She did an u/s quickly to check my fluids and concurred. He was just go go go. She didn't take a measurement, but said they looked fine. The week prior it was 11.2 which is still in the ok range. Next week I have to start NST and AFI testing because of my "advanced age" and prior history with low fluids. Thankfully, I was able to schedule my appointment right after my normal weekly appointment.

At 35 weeks, my doctor had estimated the baby to be between 5 1/2 - 6 lbs so thought he'd be around 7 1/2 - 8 lbs at term. That's a pound heavier than my son, and I completely believe it. I can tell this bugger is larger.

I'm feeling pretty good overall. I'm still getting sick after eating, but I'm actually getting use to that. I don't remember what it feels like to eat and not feel sick. I will relish it after our little guy's arrival. My back is a bit out of wack, but that's pretty typical I think. And, the insomnia, well, again, pretty typical. The up four times a night using the bathroom paired with the unable to get to sleep bit is cutting into my zzzz's. All in all though, I've been very fortunate.

My son is PSYCHED to meet his brother. He's already talking about holding him, kissing him, helping out. I look at him and have moments of fear having to share myself with another child. I assume that's pretty typical for most moms having another baby. I worry will I have enough love to go around. I remember sharing that fear with my mom and she said your heart only grows bigger. I have to imagine that is the truth. I know how tender and loved our little snowflake is, and that love will only grow and grow from the moment I hold him in my arms.

Well, I should try to get some rest. Lots of work to get done. Tomorrow a few of my friend's are having a little sprinkle in my honor. Very sweet of them to celebrate our little man.

God Bless!