Find YOUR Happiness

April 5, 2014

Well, I’m 13 days past when Fertility Friend says I ovulated. 12 days past my positive OPK. So…if I DID ovulate, anywhere from 11-13 days past ovulation, or DPO in the TTC (trying to conceive) world. Negative pregnancy test. Well, I “think” I saw a slight tinge of a line, but realistically, it’s probably my mind playing tricks on me. And, after my false positives, until I see the line progression as it gets darker, I won’t get too excited. I am excited to see that my temps stayed above cover line though. Fingers crossed.

I’m feeling a bit discouraged this morning by negativity in the POF community. Someone in one of the support groups vented about hating seeing people post pregnancy stuff on FaceBook and someone replied that they’ve deleted and lost countless friends from posting too much about pregnancy. Come on ladies!! 

Let’s throw that negativity out. Yes, we all have the right to get hurt, discouraged, fed up, etc, but the key is to feel and process those feelings and then rise above it. Faulting someone else for their happiness is silly.

Can you imagine, if you deleted all your friends in relationships if you were single? Friends that ran marathons if you were paraplegic? Friends that were chefs or foodies if you were diabetic? You’d have none left. It can get obsessive making everyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells, handle you with kid gloves or hide parts of their lives and happiness from you.

The realistic approach is EVERYONE has their own trials and tribulations. Ours may be infertility and it sucks. BIG TIME! But, there are people dealing with cancer, death of loved ones, debt, depression, abuse, etc. We just don’t know what lies in people’s hearts or in their paths. Instead of faulting people who are celebrating their pregnancies or babies, let’s rejoice with them and hope and pray that we may follow in their footsteps, sooner than later. And, if you can’t do it, just “hide” their posts. Losing friends over our own internal struggle with acceptance, or, in our case, PATH to fertility and healing is silly and selfish. Life is too short to dwell on that.

I wrote a few weeks ago about the tinge of sadness I had over a friend’s pregnancy announcement. It was short lived, and wasn’t the pregnancy itself, but the eerie coincidence of it all. If I’d let myself mull over that, I’d be surrounded by negativity. That’s NOT healthy. And, it’s not Christian. Since then, a few other friends have announced their impending bundle of joy and I can honestly say I was elated with every single one. I guess until that woman posted in that support group about “deleting friends” as they got pregnant or rejoiced in their pregnancy, it never even occurred to me how many women feel that way.

Perhaps it is different for me because I DO have a healthy baby. Perhaps I am naïve. But, I know my “loss” was real when I heard the doctor diagnose me. BUT, I refuse to accept that diagnosis. Only the Lord can see who is barren, and it says right in the bible no man or woman shall be. I trust he will honor his promise. For those of you that aren’t religious, take heart that, scientifically, our bodies were created to heal themselves.

Long post short. Rejoice with others as they rejoice. Let’s not let our own sorrows deflate others. We’re bigger than that. Allow yourself to feel sorrow and grieve, yes. However, find your own happiness. Focus on healing. Focus on health. Focus on less stress. Focus on what you LOVE.

God Bless. 

Let me hear you!

March 24, 2014

It’s been a beautiful day so far. Reed and I have been hanging out. Poor kid has a cold and got pink eye yesterday, so it’s been a mommy and Reed day. We played this morning, then after his nap ran errands and went to the nursery. He helped me pick out some mint and basil and we planted it when we got home and he played in the sand box. He is such a delight.

Last night my cervix was high, soft and wide open. I feel pretty optimistic! This morning I got a positive OPK. Come on body, come on body, come on body!  Cheer with me. Spit out that egg!

Be Fruitful and Multiply

March 23, 2014

I just started reading the most incredible book, “Supernatural Childbirth” by Jackie Mize. It’s a beautiful Christian book that basically states there is no such thing as infertility because God wants us to be fruitful and multiply. It has a lot of biblical passages that support that theory. I love it. I grabbed my bible and am delving in. I’m embarrassed to say, I don’t read it nearly enough.

The book also talks about how pain free childbirth is possible. In one chapter, the author talks about how she just didn’t understand how it could be possible, but the Lord told her to tighten her arm muscle. She did, and although it started to shake and she could tell it was getting exhausted, it didn’t hurt her. Her theory was that was how the muscles should contract during childbirth. This is a book I will reread when we DO get pregnant and I am preparing to give birth.

This book was the exact thing I needed. I have such a peace and calm surrounding me. I KNOW we will have another child. I KNOW it. I’ve faith and certainty.

God is good.

Woe is Me

March 22, 2014

Today I felt a wave of sorrow. Well, joy, but sorrow. A good friend I shared the pregnancy journey with last time announced they are due with a baby girl this September. She was due three weeks after me last time with our boys, and she is due almost exactly three weeks after what we thought was our due date this year. Turns out, I had false positives because of POF, but the coincidence absolutely made me break down in tears. I am trying SO HARD to stay positive and trust the Lord has another baby planned for us, but my world just crumbled a bit. I am so happy for them, but so sad for myself right now. How incredibly selfish. Handing it to the Lord.

And, a BFN and no O

March 21, 2014

Well, I didn’t ovulate last go round, but I’ve gotten two more LH surges. Who knows if I did this time. I keep temping, but my night waking throws a wrench in that. Most mornings, I have to temp at 4 or 4:30 when I first wake so my temps look so low. I keep hoping, but only time will tell. The upside is, my body is having fertile changes so I feel like it’s at least trying. There are waves of fertile CM with a raise soft, open cervix along with the positive OPK’s, so maybe one of these times, it’ll just shoot an egg out.

I’ll keep you posted.

Take a Chill Pill, Em

March 14, 2014

Well, my insomnia is kicking my butt. My mom sent me a link to sound therapy and I tried it last night. It was peaceful , but I couldn’t fall asleep. I resorted to 1 mg melatonin, but woke up wide awake at 1 am. I’m sure my husband was grateful because I came downstairs and started a batch of steel cut oatmeal in the crockpot. I took another melatonin to finally get back to sleep. I hate taking those stupid pills, but sleepless nights and then full days of chasing Reed and working takes a toll.

I saw a link today posted on a POF support site about the worst foods to eat on Dr. Oz. Fascinating stuff. Really makes me question everything I’ve ever eaten. I can’t believe how the FDA allows so much junk in our foods. It’s been proven to lead to infertility and yet, nothing is done. I get it…it’s too “expensive” to not use the chemicals, hormones, pesticides, etc, but when are we going to wake up and realize it’s our health?

How frustrating that eating “healthy” foods actually does the most harm because there is so much pesticide on them.  I’m feeling guilty already for not buying the organic blueberries for my son to eat. Gulp. And all the canned goods we had stocked in there before switching to Organic. I never knew tin cans needed to say BPA free. Who knew BPA was in metal canned goods? I thought it was only in plastics. Arg. I’m learning as I go. I just hope not too late. Bad Emily! No negativity. I’m HEALING. HEALING. HEALING.

Anyway, just venting my frustration.

God Bless!

Discouraged

March 11, 2014

Well, I’ve no idea if I ovulated. My temps rose, but then appear to have dropped. The drop however, may just be my insomnia kicking in L I wake up every morning between 3-4 and have trouble getting back to sleep so have been temping then. So, it might just appear low. Who knows. Have to wait and see I suppose. I do know, my LH is still down. Except for those two surges, I haven’t had a positive again. In fact, today was barely noticeable so it must be done quite low…dare I say normal levels??

My son has a nasty cold and I feel awful I can’t nurse him. I know how good my breast milk would be for him right now and how much nursing soothed him before when he was sick. Fortunately, I have breast milk still in the freezer. I know it’s nowhere near as good as fresh and he isn’t getting the antibodies that pertain to his illness right now, but I do feel a bit better knowing he has it still. Oh, God, please let me know I made the right choice. Sigh.

I’m getting upset again in support groups. People calling into question the “dangerous” things herbs do. Well, yes, if you just take them half hazardly with no guidance, research or discretion. I just want to shout, so you would rather take chemicals that have been produced in a lab that have PAGES of side effects and things to look for? Many of which are KNOWN to lead to cancer and various conditions that will need MORE drugs? Arg.

I don’t fault anyone for using traditional medicine, but it just boggles my mind our Western view of medicine. We take things to address symptoms! Not fix issues! And, forgive my making that blanket statement, because OBVIOUSLY medicines are wonderful and help so many people. I am incredibly fortunate to live in a time in history where we have options, but don’t fault me for exploring mine. My belief is God put every single treatment for every single disease at our disposal here on this earth. Naturally. Why not use God’s creations and gifts to heal ourselves.

Our eating clean is going really, really well. We’re about 90% all organic now, and we don’t eat any prepackaged items, except for those clearly marked non-GMO or Organic. We’re both feeling great. Still limiting dairy (no milk at all) except for occasional cheese or yogurt and trying to keep those as organic options when we do. I really feel good setting healthy examples for my son too.

As you may have guessed, I’m having a “struggling” day. The sun is shining and I’ve no reason to, just a bit emotional.

God Bless.