Nov. 27, 2015
Well, it's 11dp5dt. I broke down and tested. BFN
I actually peed in a cup yesterday but couldn't get the nerve. My intention was to test when I got home from our gatherings. I knew testing before was bad. I stared at that cup on my counter forever and dumped it right down the toilet. I told my husband if it was negative I wouldn't be able to give myself my shot last night. He told me to test whenever I was ready although I knew he was chomping at the bit.
I read a bit of Nerida's book last night "God's Plan for Pregnancy" and I happened to flip to a chapter and read a paragraph saying if you were fearful of testing, that didn't lie in faith. It felt like the answer I needed. The past several days I kept chanting to myself "My Faith is Stronger Than My Fear."
Right now, I feel a little lost. Not in my faith necessarily. I prayed before testing and told God that no matter what, I loved him, I'd never forsake him and stand by him, but please please please please please...
I won't say there is a reason for this. Honestly, that's crap. There isn't one. I'm upset and sad. Really upset. Really sad. My silver lining is my husband was incredibly supportive, even more than I thought he'd be. We both were hit hard by this. I honestly didn't know how he'd feel about doing another round and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "We're doing another round. We're transferring two and if God's wants us to have twins, we're having twins."
What really sucks about all this is, it's hard enough seeing that negative after everything we've been through. It's an absolute punch in the gut because so much of my anger, tears and panic lie in the fact, I've no idea how in the hell we're going to pay for this. We scrimped and saved to put something together for the first and are still paying it off. I've honestly no clue.
I made us cinnamon rolls for breakfast with my little helper. I'm pretty certain more cinnamon, sugar and butter found it's way into his mouth than the roll. Not nutritious in the least, but it's OUR Thanksgiving and it seemed like a delicious breakfast, so we ate our sorrows away.
Afterwards my husband suggested I go for a walk. He'd stay here with Reed. Before I left, he stopped me and said WE are a family. We're not going to let this rip us apart. We're going to chose to be grateful for what we have and have FAITH that we WILL get pregnant and have another child. We both vocalized part of the grief we feel is that financial strain. It just plain sucks. To lose that baby, or embryo, or whatever anyone wants to call it is just painful enough, but knowing if we had the money we could just dust off and try this again...but we can't. It ANGERS me!
I went for a long walk and cried like a freak. My neighbors probably thing I'm a nut job. I'd regain my composure and start all over again.
I know it's ridiculous and my head tells me better, but I feel like it's my fault. My body. Of my not doing enough bedrest. Or doing TOO much. Or not insisting my TCM do acupuncture or after. Or, my stupid body that doesn't cooperate or isn't fertile. Or or or. I know in reality it probably has nothing to do with me and was probably an embryo with chromosome issues, but I'll always have that playing in the back of my mind.
My heart hurts if that embryo WAS good and my stupid body wouldn't allow it to have the life it deserved.I just honestly feel broken all over again like when I was diagnosed. It's silly and I'm ashamed but I do feel like I've let my husband down and let my kid down. My son still walks around telling me there is a baby in his belly. In fact he woke up from a nap two days ago and when I asked how his nape was he told me "My baby woke me up. She kicked me in my belly." Our friends had a baby two days ago and I was explaining his friend is now a big brother and he told me he wants to be one. ugh.
Not my most upbeat post. I'm sorry. I'm just filled with anger and sadness and confusion right now. I'm just really struggling with how we can do this again financially. How I can do it emotionally. We kind of feel like we just want to do it right away. I don't know if I want to wait, do the whole birth control again. My body never really had a full of period after it. Maybe this time I can shed my whole lining and start fresh.
I text our family the news. I just really couldn't stomach having to call everyone. Everyone just said maybe it's too early. It's 11 days past transfer or the equivalent of 16 DPO, 17 really if it was indeed a 6 day embryo. I suppose there is always a chance there will be a beta on Monday, but I know the chance is minute. A few friends called and my mom did straight away. I could tell she was crying on the other end too.
I called the clinic to come in today and get it over with, but they are closed. The thought of taking these meds and the shots especially for three more days just makes me want to vomit. My butt is sore beyond belief and I can't find a position to sleep at night. Doing it knowing there could be a baby made it bearable. Now, it just seems stupid. I'll continue on the chance there is a late implanter, but...
And, damnit, I'm having a small glass of wine with dinner. If I'm making this whole Thanksgiving dinner and there was a negative test, I'm having a drink.
Well, I typically try and keep my posts upbeat, but there ya have it. I'm a bitter, depressed mess right now. I haven't answered anyone's texts and I don't know when I intend to.
I'm so grateful and thankful for my husband and son. I swooped my little guy up for a proper snuggle straight away. I haven't been able to pick up my little guy and it felt good to carry my little koala around for a bit.
I can't stomach this is a reason for this, but the only silver lining I see was this last transfer was filled with so much tension between my husband and I. If it took this stupid experience for us to have more patience with each other and support, than I suppose that is best for our family and each other long term. That's all I got right now...
God bless!
Well, it's 11dp5dt. I broke down and tested. BFN
I actually peed in a cup yesterday but couldn't get the nerve. My intention was to test when I got home from our gatherings. I knew testing before was bad. I stared at that cup on my counter forever and dumped it right down the toilet. I told my husband if it was negative I wouldn't be able to give myself my shot last night. He told me to test whenever I was ready although I knew he was chomping at the bit.
I read a bit of Nerida's book last night "God's Plan for Pregnancy" and I happened to flip to a chapter and read a paragraph saying if you were fearful of testing, that didn't lie in faith. It felt like the answer I needed. The past several days I kept chanting to myself "My Faith is Stronger Than My Fear."
Right now, I feel a little lost. Not in my faith necessarily. I prayed before testing and told God that no matter what, I loved him, I'd never forsake him and stand by him, but please please please please please...
I won't say there is a reason for this. Honestly, that's crap. There isn't one. I'm upset and sad. Really upset. Really sad. My silver lining is my husband was incredibly supportive, even more than I thought he'd be. We both were hit hard by this. I honestly didn't know how he'd feel about doing another round and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "We're doing another round. We're transferring two and if God's wants us to have twins, we're having twins."
What really sucks about all this is, it's hard enough seeing that negative after everything we've been through. It's an absolute punch in the gut because so much of my anger, tears and panic lie in the fact, I've no idea how in the hell we're going to pay for this. We scrimped and saved to put something together for the first and are still paying it off. I've honestly no clue.
I made us cinnamon rolls for breakfast with my little helper. I'm pretty certain more cinnamon, sugar and butter found it's way into his mouth than the roll. Not nutritious in the least, but it's OUR Thanksgiving and it seemed like a delicious breakfast, so we ate our sorrows away.
Afterwards my husband suggested I go for a walk. He'd stay here with Reed. Before I left, he stopped me and said WE are a family. We're not going to let this rip us apart. We're going to chose to be grateful for what we have and have FAITH that we WILL get pregnant and have another child. We both vocalized part of the grief we feel is that financial strain. It just plain sucks. To lose that baby, or embryo, or whatever anyone wants to call it is just painful enough, but knowing if we had the money we could just dust off and try this again...but we can't. It ANGERS me!
I went for a long walk and cried like a freak. My neighbors probably thing I'm a nut job. I'd regain my composure and start all over again.
I know it's ridiculous and my head tells me better, but I feel like it's my fault. My body. Of my not doing enough bedrest. Or doing TOO much. Or not insisting my TCM do acupuncture or after. Or, my stupid body that doesn't cooperate or isn't fertile. Or or or. I know in reality it probably has nothing to do with me and was probably an embryo with chromosome issues, but I'll always have that playing in the back of my mind.
My heart hurts if that embryo WAS good and my stupid body wouldn't allow it to have the life it deserved.I just honestly feel broken all over again like when I was diagnosed. It's silly and I'm ashamed but I do feel like I've let my husband down and let my kid down. My son still walks around telling me there is a baby in his belly. In fact he woke up from a nap two days ago and when I asked how his nape was he told me "My baby woke me up. She kicked me in my belly." Our friends had a baby two days ago and I was explaining his friend is now a big brother and he told me he wants to be one. ugh.
Not my most upbeat post. I'm sorry. I'm just filled with anger and sadness and confusion right now. I'm just really struggling with how we can do this again financially. How I can do it emotionally. We kind of feel like we just want to do it right away. I don't know if I want to wait, do the whole birth control again. My body never really had a full of period after it. Maybe this time I can shed my whole lining and start fresh.
I text our family the news. I just really couldn't stomach having to call everyone. Everyone just said maybe it's too early. It's 11 days past transfer or the equivalent of 16 DPO, 17 really if it was indeed a 6 day embryo. I suppose there is always a chance there will be a beta on Monday, but I know the chance is minute. A few friends called and my mom did straight away. I could tell she was crying on the other end too.
I called the clinic to come in today and get it over with, but they are closed. The thought of taking these meds and the shots especially for three more days just makes me want to vomit. My butt is sore beyond belief and I can't find a position to sleep at night. Doing it knowing there could be a baby made it bearable. Now, it just seems stupid. I'll continue on the chance there is a late implanter, but...
And, damnit, I'm having a small glass of wine with dinner. If I'm making this whole Thanksgiving dinner and there was a negative test, I'm having a drink.
Well, I typically try and keep my posts upbeat, but there ya have it. I'm a bitter, depressed mess right now. I haven't answered anyone's texts and I don't know when I intend to.
I'm so grateful and thankful for my husband and son. I swooped my little guy up for a proper snuggle straight away. I haven't been able to pick up my little guy and it felt good to carry my little koala around for a bit.
I can't stomach this is a reason for this, but the only silver lining I see was this last transfer was filled with so much tension between my husband and I. If it took this stupid experience for us to have more patience with each other and support, than I suppose that is best for our family and each other long term. That's all I got right now...
God bless!
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