Let me hear you!

March 24, 2014

It’s been a beautiful day so far. Reed and I have been hanging out. Poor kid has a cold and got pink eye yesterday, so it’s been a mommy and Reed day. We played this morning, then after his nap ran errands and went to the nursery. He helped me pick out some mint and basil and we planted it when we got home and he played in the sand box. He is such a delight.

Last night my cervix was high, soft and wide open. I feel pretty optimistic! This morning I got a positive OPK. Come on body, come on body, come on body!  Cheer with me. Spit out that egg!

Be Fruitful and Multiply

March 23, 2014

I just started reading the most incredible book, “Supernatural Childbirth” by Jackie Mize. It’s a beautiful Christian book that basically states there is no such thing as infertility because God wants us to be fruitful and multiply. It has a lot of biblical passages that support that theory. I love it. I grabbed my bible and am delving in. I’m embarrassed to say, I don’t read it nearly enough.

The book also talks about how pain free childbirth is possible. In one chapter, the author talks about how she just didn’t understand how it could be possible, but the Lord told her to tighten her arm muscle. She did, and although it started to shake and she could tell it was getting exhausted, it didn’t hurt her. Her theory was that was how the muscles should contract during childbirth. This is a book I will reread when we DO get pregnant and I am preparing to give birth.

This book was the exact thing I needed. I have such a peace and calm surrounding me. I KNOW we will have another child. I KNOW it. I’ve faith and certainty.

God is good.

Woe is Me

March 22, 2014

Today I felt a wave of sorrow. Well, joy, but sorrow. A good friend I shared the pregnancy journey with last time announced they are due with a baby girl this September. She was due three weeks after me last time with our boys, and she is due almost exactly three weeks after what we thought was our due date this year. Turns out, I had false positives because of POF, but the coincidence absolutely made me break down in tears. I am trying SO HARD to stay positive and trust the Lord has another baby planned for us, but my world just crumbled a bit. I am so happy for them, but so sad for myself right now. How incredibly selfish. Handing it to the Lord.

And, a BFN and no O

March 21, 2014

Well, I didn’t ovulate last go round, but I’ve gotten two more LH surges. Who knows if I did this time. I keep temping, but my night waking throws a wrench in that. Most mornings, I have to temp at 4 or 4:30 when I first wake so my temps look so low. I keep hoping, but only time will tell. The upside is, my body is having fertile changes so I feel like it’s at least trying. There are waves of fertile CM with a raise soft, open cervix along with the positive OPK’s, so maybe one of these times, it’ll just shoot an egg out.

I’ll keep you posted.

Take a Chill Pill, Em

March 14, 2014

Well, my insomnia is kicking my butt. My mom sent me a link to sound therapy and I tried it last night. It was peaceful , but I couldn’t fall asleep. I resorted to 1 mg melatonin, but woke up wide awake at 1 am. I’m sure my husband was grateful because I came downstairs and started a batch of steel cut oatmeal in the crockpot. I took another melatonin to finally get back to sleep. I hate taking those stupid pills, but sleepless nights and then full days of chasing Reed and working takes a toll.

I saw a link today posted on a POF support site about the worst foods to eat on Dr. Oz. Fascinating stuff. Really makes me question everything I’ve ever eaten. I can’t believe how the FDA allows so much junk in our foods. It’s been proven to lead to infertility and yet, nothing is done. I get it…it’s too “expensive” to not use the chemicals, hormones, pesticides, etc, but when are we going to wake up and realize it’s our health?

How frustrating that eating “healthy” foods actually does the most harm because there is so much pesticide on them.  I’m feeling guilty already for not buying the organic blueberries for my son to eat. Gulp. And all the canned goods we had stocked in there before switching to Organic. I never knew tin cans needed to say BPA free. Who knew BPA was in metal canned goods? I thought it was only in plastics. Arg. I’m learning as I go. I just hope not too late. Bad Emily! No negativity. I’m HEALING. HEALING. HEALING.

Anyway, just venting my frustration.

God Bless!

Discouraged

March 11, 2014

Well, I’ve no idea if I ovulated. My temps rose, but then appear to have dropped. The drop however, may just be my insomnia kicking in L I wake up every morning between 3-4 and have trouble getting back to sleep so have been temping then. So, it might just appear low. Who knows. Have to wait and see I suppose. I do know, my LH is still down. Except for those two surges, I haven’t had a positive again. In fact, today was barely noticeable so it must be done quite low…dare I say normal levels??

My son has a nasty cold and I feel awful I can’t nurse him. I know how good my breast milk would be for him right now and how much nursing soothed him before when he was sick. Fortunately, I have breast milk still in the freezer. I know it’s nowhere near as good as fresh and he isn’t getting the antibodies that pertain to his illness right now, but I do feel a bit better knowing he has it still. Oh, God, please let me know I made the right choice. Sigh.

I’m getting upset again in support groups. People calling into question the “dangerous” things herbs do. Well, yes, if you just take them half hazardly with no guidance, research or discretion. I just want to shout, so you would rather take chemicals that have been produced in a lab that have PAGES of side effects and things to look for? Many of which are KNOWN to lead to cancer and various conditions that will need MORE drugs? Arg.

I don’t fault anyone for using traditional medicine, but it just boggles my mind our Western view of medicine. We take things to address symptoms! Not fix issues! And, forgive my making that blanket statement, because OBVIOUSLY medicines are wonderful and help so many people. I am incredibly fortunate to live in a time in history where we have options, but don’t fault me for exploring mine. My belief is God put every single treatment for every single disease at our disposal here on this earth. Naturally. Why not use God’s creations and gifts to heal ourselves.

Our eating clean is going really, really well. We’re about 90% all organic now, and we don’t eat any prepackaged items, except for those clearly marked non-GMO or Organic. We’re both feeling great. Still limiting dairy (no milk at all) except for occasional cheese or yogurt and trying to keep those as organic options when we do. I really feel good setting healthy examples for my son too.

As you may have guessed, I’m having a “struggling” day. The sun is shining and I’ve no reason to, just a bit emotional.

God Bless.

Never say Never

March 7, 2014

I’m one step closer to “going live” on this blog. I’m a member of several forums and support groups and I just had a mom thank me for directing her to a website with information regarding herbs.  She said about her TEEN daughter “She is beyond the point of no return with her POF but herbal remedies might help with some of the physical issues.”

Are you kidding me right now?? Past the point of no return?? A TEEN!?!

Maybe she is. Maybe she was just born incredibly unlucky, but MAYBE SHE ISN’T!! This is why I’m so saddened by the medical profession. They don’t understand, your body is a WHOLE. Your body needs to be healthy through and through for it to function properly. How many teen girls out there are told they will never have functioning ovaries and just suck it up and get medicine for the rest of their life? It makes me sad and it makes me MAD!

No teen girl should be handed a diagnosis like that. You know what?  My numbers were past the point of no return by ALL medical stand points!! I’m one of the “worst” cases.

FSH 136.5

LH 98

Estradoil not even recognizable

AMF <.03

But, I don’t believe that nonsense. They handed me that “diagnosis” without even asking anything going on in my life. No symptoms, stresses, etc. My TCM listened to everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. They want to know all your stresses, how you handle them, any discharge, how often you have a bowel movement, what you eat, exercise, etc. The list goes on and on.

Please please please. No matter your age, NEVER let them tell you your case is hopeless. I just started reading The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis, and if you struggle with any type of infertility, please do yourself a favor and read this book. It will open you eyes. Your body is a WHOLE. It is not a part. Treat your WHOLE body right and your fertility will be restored.

God bless you. All of you out there struggling with infertility and especially this “disease.” With POF, you are written off as hopeless. Do not let them. Do not. Do not. Do not.

My LH was 98! 98!! Within a month I brought it down to not even register on an OPK. And you know what, I think I may have actually ovulated this month. My body surged last week but I never saw a temp shift. Well, two days ago, I got another positive OPK, fertile CM and a high soft cervix. This morning, my temp shifted by .38 degrees up. We will see if it stays up there and what the next two weeks brings, but six weeks ago I was told it was impossible. Hang in there!

A ZIT ladies and gentlemen

March 5, 2014

Drum roll please… I’ve got a ZIT! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, most people groan about them, and so did I, but I have not had a zit since before I was pregnant with Reed. I thought I was just one of those lucky pregnant women whose skin sparkled…but it turns out it stayed clear afterwards too. I counted myself lucky, until I realized when my world came crashing down that estrogen causes skin breakouts and the reason I didn’t get any, was I didn’t HAVE ANY ESTROGEN! Gulp.

So, yes, last night, I was giddy to see a pimple. Right smack dab in the middle of my forehead. Today – shiny skin and a positive OPK test. I’m trying not to get too excited because it could just be a crazy LH surge from POF, but, it could be, wait for it… Wait for it…OVULATION! Gasp! I had some fertile CM and a HSO cervix. For those not in tune with the fertility world and various forums out there, that is fertile (egg white) cervical mucus and a high soft open cervix. Maybe not the most glamorous tracking all that stuff, but it sure helps monitor what my body is doing, or trying to do for that matter. Let’s see if my temps rise over the next few days.

Fingers crossed.

Public or Private

March 4, 2014

I just updated my Amazon shop and save. Yowzer. The supplement / vitamin junkie that I now am!!

Yesterday I had an amazing yoga session at my friend’s house. I understand why she is so sought after. It was the first time doing yoga I was able to truly center. No listening for the baby, listening to leaking faucets, noticing how the carpet needs to be vacuumed while I’m in child’s pose or having the cat sniff at my toes. So peaceful.

This morning was back to the chiropractor. Thankfully he agreed I can switch to every other week appointments because none of this is covered by insurance. (Don’t get me started. A long lecture of how this disease leads to diabetes, cancers, heart disease, osteoporosis, etc by my doctors, yet because it’s a “lady’s problem” and relates to fertility NOTHING is covered. Grrrr.) He said my body is responding well to treatments. He gave me a set of exercises to do every day to loosen my spine as well as showed me how to roll up towels to put under my lower back and at the base of my neck to help my spine realign. I’m suppose to do that for 10-15 minutes before bed every night and he said it will most likely help me sleep better too. Also, he reminded me to continue doing my back stretches with the foam roller.

My friend, amazingly gifted and well known in the blogging world wrote a very personal blog called ‘My Broken Vagina’ and I contacted her about it. As you may have guessed, these entries are still in a folder on my computer, PRIVATE. I want to post them as encouragement for all the women out there who need to hear about how to deal with POF with optimism, humor and God’s guidance, but am a big fat chicken. She was very encouraging about blogging… Maybe I’m one step closer to putting these out there for the world to see.

My hesitations? The big one. Fertility/Infertility is still so darn private. No one really talks about it. I don’t want pity, but I don’t want people “checking in” every month either. Do I really want to share with the world my husband and my, well, most private moments in hopes of a bambino? Right now, my parents, his parents, my siblings and three of my friends know about it. That. Is. It.  I haven’t wanted to share it, because to be honest, I feel broken and inadequate. Everyone has always known I want to be a mommy and everyone’s first reaction is, you can’t be infertile, you had Reed. And I want to shout, YES! I know, right?!? Only the doctors don’t believe that! I launch into my saga and all my alternative treatments.

My other hesitation…I’m an actor. Yeah, yeah, not exactly a household name, but that makes it even more sensitive to me I guess. If I was a huge actor, I’d be known and could get the word out about this issue, but I’m not. I’m an actor who has a small group of casting and an agency that roots for me and goes to bat for me day to day.

Most directors, producers, studios, networks and casting directors have never heard of me. So, what do they do when I’m up for a role?? Google me. Like everyone else in this world. Do I want the first thing that pops up to be my infertility, er, fertility journey? Or my acting reel and resume? If I get brave enough to put this out there, it must be with MY name, not a pen name. I want people to trust me with their journeys and struggles so I must trust them. I’ll keep praying about it. I can’t help but feel the Lord gave me this struggle for a reason and that purpose could be to help others find hope where they have been told there is none. 

Giving it to the Lord in prayer. He IS the ultimate healer after all.

Fitness, Health and Chocolate Shooters

March 1, 2014

Well, I’m sleeping a bit better. I started charting again because of some signs my hormones were regulating, but I realize how inaccurate my temps must be with all the tossing and turning. Day two of my meditation went better.  I think I only woke up four or five times, but I was able to go back to bed each time which is a drastic improvement.

My chiropractor recommended bathing with Epsom salts three times a week to detoxify. I did some reading, and it also helps with calcium absorption. Apparently, you need magnesium to absorb calcium, but the body doesn’t absorb magnesium from supplements too well, but the baths make you absorb it through your skin. A big side effect of POF is osteoporosis because the body doesn’t make the hormones to absorb calcium. At the very least, it should help with that, but I know for fertility you need a good calcium intake too. Can’t hurt. On my nights I don’t do my castor oil pack, I’m bathing. It helped calm me for bed. And, really, a lovely hot bath was heavenly!

It made me giggle to lay in the bath reading my infertility book amidst all my son’s bath toys. Don’t worry my love, you will have a brother or sister to play with. I know how boring it must be to play with me and dad all the time!

Last night, I took a nice steamy shower and then did my castor oil pack. Afterwards, I put in my fertility yoga DVD and did that before bed. I was actually impressed how well I did after years of not doing any. A dear friend of mine who teaches yoga agreed to help me with some fertility poses whenever we are able to meet. I’m planning to go see her Monday. She’s one of the few people who know about my health issues right now, so I know it’ll be good to not only do the yoga, but relax and catch up with someone I can speak freely with.

My husband is a crack up. I think the herbs are absolutely nasty, but even though we are clean eaters now, organic, healthy, etc he brought home a dozen bite size brownies for me from his catering shift. After drinking the horrid TCM med’s I can have a “shooter” of chocolate. That is love!

His Fitness Hub site is really taking off. He created it on Facebook to inspire people to lose weight and stay healthy. He did it because he wants to look better, but quickly realized that it makes him FEEL better too. With my pushing an all organic, clean eating house to limit toxin exposure for health reasons, we both are really striving to be as healthy as we can be. We need to for our health and to set an example for our son. It’s forcing us to try a lot of new things and be creative and I know the page is doing the same for others. It’s inspiring us with new ideas and recipes when people post.

Well, signing off for now. My son will be up soon and I need to work. Gotta pay for all these acupuncture and chiropractic appointments somehow.