FertilityFriend is your Friend

April 30, 2014

People have asked me "How do you know you ovulated?"

Charting! If you don't, do. Basically, OPK's are only so reliable. They can show that you have an LH surge to release an egg, but cannot verify your body followed through. Same with tracking your CM and cervix. I found that Fertility Friend is the most comprehensive site. And, unless you want all the bells and whistles, it's free. Here is a link to my chart, so you can reference what I'm talking about all the time in my blog. Feel free to look around the site.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/3915bc

If you type a question in the search bar, most likely you will find the answer you are looking for. The other think I really like about this site is you can analyze hundreds of other charts and even search things like "high FSH" or "perimenopausal" or "checking cervix" etc. It's a nice reference to use and great for those "down" days when you think it will never happen, because you can search pregnancy charts with similar criteria and see the positives :)

There is a JOIN NOW - FREE button at the top of my chart.

God and Healing

April 29, 2014

Yesterday morning I received some rather devastating news that someone I am very close to has breast cancer. In praying with the Lord, I felt with great certainty, that I should apply some of the scripture from the book I’d been reading, Supernatural Childbirth to her condition as well.  I had remembered some verses on healing were in there.

I Googled Supernatural Childbirth and was taking to Terry Mize Ministries. In addition to the book they wrote, they have a beautifully comprehensive website that I thought was worth sharing.

http://www.terrymizeministries.org/

I saw on the website, that Jackie Mize, who wrote the book has gone to be home with God, and to her and her family, I want to say how much she has touched my life in her book. Her ministry goes far beyond the ministries she spent her life doing. Her book has been instrumental in my healing.

This link is directly to the Supernatural childbirth page. Under the “resources” section, you can click on certain words and be directed to pertinent scripture for your situation.

http://www.terrymizeministries.org/sncb.php

They also have a link at the bottom where you can connect with them through social media, or even send a specific prayer request that they pray for each week.

I’ve found comfort in their prayers and scriptures regarding healing, and I hope it moves this special person in a way that brings comfort and peace.  

3 John 1:2 Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.

High Anxiety and Pushing Through

April 28, 3014

Ug. Last night I slept horribly. Up every 20-30 minutes. I tried back tracking to the last time I slept poorly, last week and realized I’d eaten the same thing that night. I’d made a batch of chocolate chip peanut butter oatmeal cookies and subbed coconut oil for the butter. Out of curiosity, I went AGAIN, to Google. Coconut oil gives your body a jump start, so if you are prone or easily susceptible to things like that it isn’t recommended before bed. Who knew? I guess that’s an easy fix at least.

I think partly because I am sleep deprived, I have some high anxiety and stress today. I’m suppose to avoid it at all costs, but with the first of the month coming, and staring at this pile of bills, the reality of all my “treatments” and how much it all costs is really stressing me out. That combined with I updated our CoveredCA plan with my husband’s new job and our health insurance is jumping by $180 each month.

I think I will talk to by chiropractor tomorrow and let him know I will have to cut back to visits every three weeks versus two. I know he won’t be thrilled about that. He was very hesitant to go from weekly to bi-weekly, but the reality is, none of this is covered by insurance. Between the chiropractor visits, herbs and supplements… Yikes! At least right now, I’m not getting acupuncture also.

I need to just keep repeating “Let go and let God.” I know these treatments are helping me body to work correctly on it’s own. The goal is to use these as short term solutions to assist my body in doing it all on its own. The expense, in the long run is minimal when you think of all the money I will save from a lifetime of HRT and further health complications.

And, to top it off I am bloated and just plain cranky. I've gained a little weight since beginning all of my treatment and weaning, which I am happy about, but as a woman, we get caught in this rut of hating to do that. Sad, isn't it? I was sick, literally sickly thin, and yet, I'm still far underweight by the "doctor's scale" and I feel gross because I've gained a few pounds. I'll chalk it up to the bloated feeling today making me feel this way. Honestly, I should be happy about about that. It's hormones that make you retain water in your cycle right? Cranky is a flux of hormones, right? I should embrace this feeling. Me, my bad attitude and my extra water just means things are a workin'. Pardon me while I unbotton my top button...

Suck it up, Em. Keep plowing through.

Almost Normal

April 26, 2014

What a busy day! My day started out right with a mommy and son date to the Mother’s Day breakfast at his daycare that he attends two day s a week. Quite the handsome little man!

Then, off to acupuncture. My doctor, Dr. Li is in China so her husband (who normally translates for her) was treating me today. I was wondering how it would go since he’s never taken my pulse and had only her notes to compare it to, but it went well. She apparently takes very detailed notes, and he’s been there translating for three months now, so I think he gets the “gist” of things.

He said compared to her notes, my pulse was much stronger today. When I pushed and prodded a bit more, he said “good.” And when I pushed and prodded even more asking about specific channels, he said that my pulse was actually almost “normal.” Almost normal! Music to my ears.

They had explained to me early on that my Chi would always be a little lower because of my small stature, so I get that. I’m not quite sure how my TCM pulse points and actual pulse / blood pressure according to Western Medicine measure up, but I’ve always had very low blood pressure. During pregnancy, my blood pressure was alarmingly low. At one visit, they retook it four times because my doctor was convinced it was wrong. She said I’d be comatose with a blood pressure reading like that. I’m not quite sure if it went up because it had been measured incorrectly the first three times, or I was getting freaked out and it spiked.

But, almost normal sounded like great news to me! He checked my tongue and nodded. I’ve never gotten more explanation that a nod when they check my tongue. I’ll inquire more next time. He reviewed her notes and put a few markings down for some slight changes to my mixture for the next two weeks.

As he was measuring the herbs out I started asking him about specific ones in the mix and could tell he was getting flustered. I was literally asking what they were, but I could tell he misunderstood that I was asking what each one DID. He told me her prescription was very scientific. Some herbs were for the heat element, some cooling, some damp, etc. He said that some herbs were only for specific organs and others were added in for other organs or to prevent a certain herb from acting on the wrong organ, etc. He said “very, very complicated.” His wife, my doctor, was the true “chemist” when it came to that so he let her be in charge of that. He said he’d only tweaked her mixture VERY slightly according to my symptoms this week.

I discussed with him my light period and he didn’t seem too concerned. He said the fact I GOT a period was a good sign. The ultimate goal is to get me to menstruate around 4-5 days. Out of curiosity I looked back at my chart from the cycle I conceived my son and I had bled for three days. I had also ovulated day 12 that cycle, so, a bit earlier than average, but totally within a normal window. Judging by my fertility signs this cycle, I anticipate ovulating around that time this cycle too (fingers crossed my ovaries kick one out!!)

For now, I’ll take “almost normal.” On my way!

Present Day

April 25, 2014

Alright ladies and gentlemen. Today is my actual first day as a blogger. All the blogs up until now were my own private diary on my computer. I post dated everything so you could see in chronological order my craziness, doubts, fears, pep talks and treatments. I've finally found the confidence to come out as just "Emily" on her path to health and pregnancy.

Thanks for coming along on the journey. May we support each other along the way.

God bless!

Back in the Saddle and Full Steam Ahead

April 23, 2014

Alright, I’ve a google addiction! I’ve come to terms with it.

Well, now that my period is over and my temps stayed low (yeah, yeah, and I did test to make sure it wasn’t implantation bleeding) I’ve resumed having a glass of red raspberry leaf tea and green tea everyday. My other supplements have stayed the same, but I’m upping my Ubiquinol dose. Most people recognize it as CoQ10, but it is the more easily absorbable source – up to 8 times. It costs more, but my body needs all the help it can get.

If you recall, I was taking 200 mg a day. The recommended CoQ10 dose is 600-800 for fertility. Ubiquinol, after much research, the dosage should be about half. It’s suggested 300-400 (at the minimum.) Because I get leery with supplements (I laugh as I type this because I feel like an addict right now as it is) I always start with low low doses of everything to gauge my body’s reaction. I upped my dose today to 300 mg (100 mg x 3 times a day.) CoQ10 and Ubiquinol are suppose to really help with egg health. Here is a quick overview of the benefits in regards to fertility.

http://ivf.successrates.org/coq10-may-help-turn-back-your-biological-clock/

The long and short of it are it helps the egg from when it’s recruited (as I mentioned in my last post about 5 months before ovulation) to when it’s released ensure that it matures properly. This is the time when a lot of chromosomal abnormalities occur.

I’m kicking myself that I didn’t start with the recommended dosage originally because I keep thinking “Ahhhhh my eggs are five months behind now” but the reality is, I’m sure the dose I was taking at least helped, and my main focus was regulating my hormones and overall health which in turn would assist my eggies to ripen correctly. Now that I feel like my body is starting to kick in to gear, I’ll focus more intently on assisting my egg health. I was before, but, well, you know what I mean.

I do want to talk to my TCM on Saturday at my appointment about possibly adding Royal Jelly back to the mix. I took it for a bit in the beginning, but then they suggested as my main issue was hormonal, that I stop taking anything that could affect my hormones. Royal Jelly doesn’t affect hormones, but it can assist in your body regulating it. They thought the two were too closely tied because of all the herbs they were giving me to essentially do the same. Royal Jelly is suppose to help with egg health, so perhaps I will inquire if we can add that and propolis back to the mix.

Maca, shatavari and vitex were the other supplements I originally was taking and discontinued. I think their herbs are doing the functions of those overall, but eventually I may also delve into the maca discussion with them again. These three are used more in Western fertility (well, India for shatavari and Peru for Maca, but they are being used more here now by fertility specialists) and many TCM’s, especially those originally from China, are not familiar with them.

My promise to myself when I discontinued my “additional” supplements of royal jelly, propolis, maca, shatavari (I actually discontinued this one before the others because of it’s estrogenic qualities) and vitex was that I would give my TCM three months to work their magic with herbs alone. That was on March 12, and my period started five weeks later, so I know I should step back and trust….but OH, SO HARD! I’ll see their feeling on the Royal Jelly and continue to just follow their protocol for the rest of the three months I’d promised myself and then reevaluate my progress.

Ah yes, and back to my original google diagnosis in the beginning of this blog. My LP (luteal phase – which should be an average of 12-14 days – it was 11-12 days pre baby) was either 24 days of 6 days. Both of these suggest a progesterone imbalance. It was so low either the 24 day one suggests it never got high enough to crash and bring on menstruation, or the 6 day one would suggest it never got high enough to sustain a proper length luteal phase. Both of which suggest my egg quality was poor, or “weak” ovulation. 

That just means my follicle was most likely not mature enough or my egg quality was poor that when the follicle ruptured, the corpus luteum wasn’t (what was left over of the follicle when the egg ruptured) wasn’t big, or strong enough to produce enough progesterone.

Hence, my thought I have poor egg health. Well, I guess my reading of <.03 AMH was the clue, but I am convinced and have faith that reading was based on my ‘current at that time’ egg health and follicle pool. A health body = healthy ovaries = healthy follicles = healthy eggs.

Thanks for following along as my mind works things out. Now, I will just “Let go and let God.” Because, honestly, that is all I can do. The Lord said “Be fruitful and multiply” so I need to trust that is his intention for us.

In the mean time, I’ll continue to be healthy and trudge on. Since I know I’m pre ovulation, I’ll try and do my castor oil pack or an Epsom salt bath tonight.  I’ll also begin the Femoral Massage, or press. Randine Lewis, in the Infertility Cure, spoke about it, but I was never quite certain if I’d ovulated, so I never tried it. NEVER do this if you think you might be pregnant, or as the article has in bold, have high blood pressure, heart disease, circulatory problems or a history of stroke. As with everything I’m doing and talk about, use your best judgement. If you are uncertain or uncomfortable with it, don’t do it. I’m even a bit apprehensive because of the “what if I did ovulate” aspect so I’m only doing it for a few days after menstruation ceases in case I ovulate early, and if I’ve any suspicion I’m nearing O, I’ll stop. I’m also only doing it once a day and not three times in a row, but one or two. As I’ve said before, I prefer to start any supplement, acupressure, massage, etc at the bare minimum. I can always add more…

Here is an article about it.

http://www.livewellnaturally.com.au/fertility-blog/2010/8/4/boost-your-fertility-naturally-with-femoral-massage.html

Randine Lewis also spoke about other pressure points and massages in her book that I will have to revisit. Every night, I’ve been using acupressure on the four, five now (one was not suppose to be used after ovulation, so I never used it before a few nights ago) that my TCM showed me. Randine, in her book lists several others. Now that I know where I am in my cycle, I will begin implementing those ones into my meditation and prayer time before bed.

God Bless!

****Update, I did the femoral massage and didn't dig it. It makes me too darn nervous. Once I'm in the swing of things with cycles I can easily monitor, I'll try it again. 

My Pep Talk Numero Dos (And a rehash for my sanity)

April 20, 2014

Happy Easter!! What an amazing day. I’ve always been humbled by God’s sacrifice to send his only son to suffer, die and be risen to redeem us from our sins, but this year it really hit home. As I sat and read Reed the Easter story, I started to cry. I was holding my own son, who is so dear to me. That sacrifice is beyond compare. I am so happy and grateful to have a Creator that loves and treasures us so much. We are saved and healed by the stripes Jesus wore.

Today my temp dropped again so I’m rather confident I’ve started a new cycle. I did take an HPT in case, and it was negative. I’ll give it one more day to make sure my temp stays low tomorrow then start doing my castor oil packs and Epsom salt baths again until I ovulate. I feel refreshed. It’s a clean slate and I feel like I’m getting a handle on how my body is working. Ever since I ovulated, my OPK tests are extremely negative barely showing a second line at all, so I feel good knowing my LH is under control. I’ve no idea where my FSH is, but knowing one hormone dropped and that I ovulated, I’m confident it’s lower. I’m also almost three months into my treatment, so more than halfway to the 150 mark where my dormant follicles should be “awake.” Yahoo!

http://natural-fertility-info.com/increase-egg-health

I believe I listed it before, but here is a link to their POF page. I started with the supplements they suggested for the first few weeks, but a few weeks into treatment I talked more with my TCM and they suggested stopping all of these and letting their herbs work their magic. Because my problem was a hormonal imbalance, they said I was very delicate, and they didn’t want anything to interfere or more importantly hurt me in anyway. After my next cycle, I may ask them more about some of the supplements suggested here like Royal jelly to help with egg health too.

http://natural-fertility-info.com/premature-ovarian-failure.html

That site listed above has been my go-to through this whole journey. I research their info on other sites too and then speak with either my doctor or TCM to verify it will help my situation, but even for knowledge sake…most every fertility supplement is broken down somewhere eon there listing both the benefits and risks, dosage sizes, and excellent explanations for how each ones can help.

As I research my POF further, I really think it was caused by adrenal fatigue. Here are few links to it…

http://natural-fertility-info.com/is-my-adrenal-health-affecting-my-fertility.html

http://wynyardchiro.com.au/the-adrenals-and-pregnancy/

At the time I was diagnosed, my son (a miserable sleeper) had been up, quite literally every night almost all night long from birth. From the months of September to January, I was lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep a night, which was interrupted – consisting of 45 minute segments. In November and December, I rarely got more than 2 hrs of sleep. My husband often traveled when he did have work, so I had no night time help and when he was in town, he often catered which meant he’d work late and then sleep.

My son would only sleep if being held or his back rubbed in the crib. With my severe lack of sleep, I was also his primary care giver and struggling to work 30 hrs a week during his naps and after he went to bed at night. Often times, because it was just me, I’d have toast or cereal at night. My healthy diet I prided myself on, went out the window the last six months before my diagnosis. 

I was also the primary bread winner, as my husband was out of work the last three months before diagnosis. We were travelling, I was sleep deprived and highly stressed. As I’m watching my hormones fall back into line, I believe without a doubt my POF was adrenal failure. My hormones were wacky and my initial tests showed elevated pitocin levels which they attributed to breast feeding. The goods news is, if it was adrenal failure, I am now sleeping a full night (8 hrs), eating almost all organic and nutritious, meditating and exercising to reduce stress and my husband now has a full time job in town to help around the house and contribute more financially. No wonder my hormones are falling back in check.

Sorry for the repetitive nature…as things are getting back into swing, I took time to review all that has happened and how far I’ve come and reassure myself that it takes time. I’ve been patient thus far, and can remain so for total healing.

My Blog. My Safe Place.

April 19, 2014

Well, my flow has been rather light. Yesterday, was more like heavy spotting or super light flow and today was just a tad of spotting, and my temp went back up. I’ll test for the heck of it tomorrow, although even if I was preggers, it’d most likely be too early to register at 9 days post ovulation.

 I’m testing for nostalgia purposes really. It was two years ago exactly tomorrow that we announced we were expecting Reed. If I were to get a positive, it would just make it that more special. That, and it will be Easter Sunday. Jesus rose from the dead. My ovaries firing an egg seems rather insignificant in comparison.  

If negative, I’ll test later in the week, to be more cautious than anything. It’s most likely so low and so soon after ovulation because my hormones are wacky and trying to balance out, but there is just that inner voice telling me to test to be sure.

There is a small chance it could be implantation bleeding and if there is any chance there is a little bambino in there, I want to make sure to stop my supplements and herbs immediately. As my TCM assured me, it is safe, but I don’t like the thought of any unnecessary herb, supplement, medicine, alcohol, caffeine, whatever floating around in there longer than there needs to be once my little bean is leaching from my blood supply. 

The good thing is, until I got my first period and knew I was pre-ovulation, I’d already decided against the castor oil pack which is really the thing I was most concerned about. Once my cycles regulate, I’ll add that back in if I don’t get a positive first.

I shared in a Facebook mommy group, that has been immensely supportive of my health issues that my period came back and mommies came out of the woodwork with excitement and congratulations. One in particular encouraged me to share my journey and alternative heeling route. When I said I was a big fat chicken because not all online communities are as open minded and supportive (ironically, some of the most critical of alternative healing and the desire to beat POF are the POF support groups) she suggested I write my blog anonymous and turn off the comments if I was concerned about people getting nasty. Not a bad idea. I’m mulling over the anonymous or public…

I think I’ll keep the comments on. I want people to be free to ask questions and share their journey and experiences.  I’ll just delete the ones that get me riled up. My biggest obstacle in this whole journey was reducing stress and anxiety. I’m not going to let criticism put me back in a negative place. I’m at peace now.

I want my blog to be a safe place where people can think outside the box. If it’s not their cup of tea, I totally get it, and I really do support people using traditional means to treat their symptoms if that’s what they want to do. However, people need to understand, it treats their symptoms, and although it does lessen their risk of horrible future problems like osteoporosis, heart disease, stroke, increased cancer risk, etc (which is FANTASTIC and thank God it is out there!!) but it does not treat the disease itself. What saddens me, is when people use traditional means and become miserable and depressed because that is all they think is out there. It makes me sad to see people settle for a life without children when that is all they’ve ever dreamed about because that is what their doctor said they’d have.

There should at least be an option to explore other means. I get it won’t work for everyone, but it will work for some. When I was diagnosed, I searched high and low for hope. If my blog can be home for one single person out there…it’s served its purpose.

A Happy Dance

April 17, 2014

Well, the next best thing to a BFP! I got my period! I have NEVER been so happy to see Aunt Flo. My hubs and I did a literal dance around the room. Even our son got into the action. 

So, looking at my chart, unless I ovulated and had a SUPER long luteal phase or a SUPER short luteal phase, I ovulated somewhere in the middle there with all the signs not adding up. It’s conceivable I did 11 days ago, and just fertile signs stuck around for a few days. Long story short, it’s a bit off, but ya know what?? We gotta start somewhere! Now, my TCM have something to work with.

I’m going to call them as soon as they open today. Steady flow. No clots. Right color. Basing it on my chart, I think I’m 6 DPO, which is a super short luteal phase so my thought is my progesterone isn’t high enough to sustain it the correct length. But, my estrogen levels are obviously improving to get fertile cm, cervix changes and to build an endometrial lining. Remember, my numbers were basically zero.

The doctors told me it was impossible.

“For with God nothing shall be impossible.” –Luke 1:37

A Spot is a Spot

April 16, 2014

Squeeeeeee!

So, to the majority of ladies, this would be a big bummer and an eye roll, but to someone who was told her lady parts don’t work, it was literally enough to make me do a little dance for my hubby. Literally, I did a little dance.

I started spotting! Just a little, but it was a mix of brown and pink blood, which means older blood and some fresh blood. The first I’ve seen since having my son. My first thought was my period, but that’d make this cycle have a super short LP (which honestly, we have to start somewhere so I wouldn’t be devastated) or could it be implantation bleeding?? I’m really trying not to get my hopes up, but I guess there is a small possibility. According to my positive OPK’s and temp hike, I ovulated last Friday, which would put me 5 DPO.

If anything, things are starting to work again. At my last u/s my doctor told me, my endometrial lining was paper thin. The doctor before her had told me, basically it would be a pin drop worth of blood if I bled. And this was more than a pin drop J So, along with my fertile CM, cervix that is cooperating raising, lowering and opening, positive OPK’s that go negative when they are suppose to and temperature making a leap, I know have blood thickening up there.

Thank you God!

My Pep Talk

April 13, 2014

So, based on my own research, the science of how our reproductive systems work, basically, a follicle grows and released an egg over the course of 150 days, or about 5 months. In my mind, this is what I keep telling myself. My AMH, was less than .03. So, almost none!! The “egg timer” test as they call this basically says your egg quality is zip. However, as I researched this more, that couldn’t be more incorrect. It says that your GROWING follicles are zip. It has nothing to do with your egg quality or how many dormant follicles you have. There is absolutely no test (to my knowledge) that can test that with absolute certainty. The AMH test is based on assumption. Wow! Something I wish the doctors would have mentioned. So much of these tests are based on assumption, because they think because it IS one way, it cannot improve. No fault of their own necessarily, that’s the way POF is viewed by Western Medicine.

As I dug further, I found several articles stating just that, but am including a link here written by Randine Lewis. I have her book and love it so I wasn’t surprised to find this article online.

http://www.inciid.org/printpage.php?cat=preservation&id=219

In it, she said the same thing. Just because your follicle count, or AMH appears to be “0”, if you can wake up your ovaries, you can indeed start growing them. Your egg quality is determined basically over the three months before it’s decided it will be the dominant follicle.

Looking at my POF timeline, I was diagnosed early January, got my second opinion and final blood tests nearing the end of January. I made some immediate changes, but my first acupuncture session was January 29^th. Based on that initial date, the end of June is really when I should start to see improvement. If I’d had a normal AMH, I’d anticipate results three months sooner.

So, I will be patient. I really do feel like things are starting to swing in the right direction. My body has made a lot of improvement, and I know for a fact there was at least one follicle the doctor saw on my initial u/s during the diagnosis process. Maybe I can catch that little egg as it’s finally released, but if not, I hold faith that I will have a whole slew of healthy follicles and eggs in the near future.

Gooooood Morning Ovaries!

April 12, 2014

Yay! Good news! I went to my TCM today and she said that my Qi is better (pulse) and all of my channels have improved and are stronger. Especially my kidney channel (reproductive channel.) I also told her I had cramping this last week and a bit of lower back pain. I shower her my chart and she saw what I did…my temps came down the last five days or so corresponding with my cramps, high soft open cervix, fertile cm and my positive opks.  My past charts pre baby #1 and pre POF diagnosis always showed a bit of a drop the few days before ovulation and then a sharper rise after the big O. Although, she said after baby and breastfeeding, my cycle could be completely different. She said it seemed like my ovaries were “waking up.” She was cautiously optimistic I could have or be ovulating soon. We’ll see… If I start menstruating I’m suppose to call them. And, if I get a BFP, stop herbs right away. She assured me the herbs she was giving would be safe up until a positive.

Just "Emily"

April 9, 2014

Ok, so I’m not sure why this JUST occurred to me, but my “legal” name and “acting” name are not the same, and honestly, no one cares about my last name anyway here, right? We’re all just taking it one day at a time. So…why am I hiding behind the fact I don’t want casting to lump me with the “infertile” girl before the actor. When I’m more comfortable, maybe I can use any professional status I have (believe me…not a whole lot there right now) to help the POF community in some way. For now, maybe that’s just the incentive and courage I have to start a blog as just “Emily.” I don’t know why I’m so nervous to come out with my infertility struggle. I think because no friends and very few family members really know all we’ve been dealing with. It’s also all so sensitive. Do I really want people judging? Adding their own two  cents? Telling me I’m doing it “wrong?” If people know we are trying, they know we are, well… Very private. And, I’m a VERY private person. It’s all so painfully personal. I’ll continue to pray for strength and guidance. I know unless people step up and talk about it, nothing will change, but, YIKES!

Gotta Get it Out There

April 8, 2014

Well, I think it’s safe to assume that I did NOT ovulate. Bummer. First time I thought there was a good probability. My temps were raised, and I’d had a corresponding OPK and high, soft open cervix. Well, onwards and upwards. Bound to squirt one out eventually, right?

For any readers who are struggling with this disease, here is a link to a petition for POF.

http://www.hopeforpof.com/support-premature-ovarian-failure/sign-pof-support-petition/

The devastating thing about this disease, aside from the OBVIOUS devastation, is that no one is doing anything about it. Most cases of POF are unexplained. Very little research is being done to find out what causes it outside of the “normal” reasons, why it happens or how to treat it. Because, as I’ve discussed before, they only have medications to treat the symptoms – HRT or birth control.

There are limited studies that have been done, but not nearly enough. Heck, when I was diagnosed, I had NO IDEA that this could even happen to anyone. What do you mean my ovaries just stopped working?? How does that happen?

So, what we can do for now is sign the petition and start talking about it. (um….as I write in my private journal on my computer…bashing head into desk…let’s see ladies, can I take my OWN ADVICE???) That will require a lot of nerve. No one knows about my struggles yet except for my parents, my husband’s parents, my siblings and three select friends. It’s hard not to feel broken.

Hang in there and God bless. Praying for my healing and yours.

Just Gimme a Positive or a Period

April 6, 2014

I will admit to feeling a bit frustrated today. I’m 14 days with raised temps and still a negative pregnancy test and no period. Honestly, I’d welcome a positive or my period. It’d be a clear sign things are “healing” properly. I thought I saw a miniscule faint line on the test, but I refuse to get excited after my false positives rending a diagnosis of POF. I promised myself I wouldn’t test today. Yeah right. I’m having a cavity filled Tuesday so will be sure to test before that just in case (they use medicine) but I’ll try to withhold from testing tomorrow. I just can’t figure out if I didn’t ovulate why my temps stayed above coverline…they were all over the place before, and I didn’t get any more positive OPK’s. In fact, they’ve all been super faint. Today it started to darken slightly again, but still not enough for a positive. 

Find YOUR Happiness

April 5, 2014

Well, I’m 13 days past when Fertility Friend says I ovulated. 12 days past my positive OPK. So…if I DID ovulate, anywhere from 11-13 days past ovulation, or DPO in the TTC (trying to conceive) world. Negative pregnancy test. Well, I “think” I saw a slight tinge of a line, but realistically, it’s probably my mind playing tricks on me. And, after my false positives, until I see the line progression as it gets darker, I won’t get too excited. I am excited to see that my temps stayed above cover line though. Fingers crossed.

I’m feeling a bit discouraged this morning by negativity in the POF community. Someone in one of the support groups vented about hating seeing people post pregnancy stuff on FaceBook and someone replied that they’ve deleted and lost countless friends from posting too much about pregnancy. Come on ladies!! 

Let’s throw that negativity out. Yes, we all have the right to get hurt, discouraged, fed up, etc, but the key is to feel and process those feelings and then rise above it. Faulting someone else for their happiness is silly.

Can you imagine, if you deleted all your friends in relationships if you were single? Friends that ran marathons if you were paraplegic? Friends that were chefs or foodies if you were diabetic? You’d have none left. It can get obsessive making everyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells, handle you with kid gloves or hide parts of their lives and happiness from you.

The realistic approach is EVERYONE has their own trials and tribulations. Ours may be infertility and it sucks. BIG TIME! But, there are people dealing with cancer, death of loved ones, debt, depression, abuse, etc. We just don’t know what lies in people’s hearts or in their paths. Instead of faulting people who are celebrating their pregnancies or babies, let’s rejoice with them and hope and pray that we may follow in their footsteps, sooner than later. And, if you can’t do it, just “hide” their posts. Losing friends over our own internal struggle with acceptance, or, in our case, PATH to fertility and healing is silly and selfish. Life is too short to dwell on that.

I wrote a few weeks ago about the tinge of sadness I had over a friend’s pregnancy announcement. It was short lived, and wasn’t the pregnancy itself, but the eerie coincidence of it all. If I’d let myself mull over that, I’d be surrounded by negativity. That’s NOT healthy. And, it’s not Christian. Since then, a few other friends have announced their impending bundle of joy and I can honestly say I was elated with every single one. I guess until that woman posted in that support group about “deleting friends” as they got pregnant or rejoiced in their pregnancy, it never even occurred to me how many women feel that way.

Perhaps it is different for me because I DO have a healthy baby. Perhaps I am naïve. But, I know my “loss” was real when I heard the doctor diagnose me. BUT, I refuse to accept that diagnosis. Only the Lord can see who is barren, and it says right in the bible no man or woman shall be. I trust he will honor his promise. For those of you that aren’t religious, take heart that, scientifically, our bodies were created to heal themselves.

Long post short. Rejoice with others as they rejoice. Let’s not let our own sorrows deflate others. We’re bigger than that. Allow yourself to feel sorrow and grieve, yes. However, find your own happiness. Focus on healing. Focus on health. Focus on less stress. Focus on what you LOVE.

God Bless.