Update

Dec. 9, 2015

Not a whole lot to report on the fertility front. My period was super SUPER light, like wear a liner light. It's amazing to me that when I went to my baseline my lining was 2.4mm and I blend heavier than I am now with I had a 10mm lining. I'm trying to wrap my head around that. I was seriously prepared for the heaviest period I've ever experienced. Hm...

We were thinking of a January transfer, but I think we may actually postpone until February Timing wise, I was going to be out of town until Jan. 3, and my coordinator is out of the office on medical leave and rather unresponsive. I think I'd have had to have started my birth control pills by now to work with the time line she anticipated.

But, even more exciting, I was contacted by a producer who'd interviewed me when I was doing publicity eons ago for some films I was in and he asked me to come down to Sundance to talk on a panel. He also said he'd give me a space for free in one of the celebrity suites to chat about oils. I've always wanted to go to Sundance and my hubby and I think it's a great opportunity on all fronts for me. So...that'd put me out of town Jan 21-24 anyway so basically unavailable for a later in January transfer.

With everything going on, we chatted about it and requested that I get my baseline right after that trip putting us in an early February. transfer. I'm waiting for my coordinator to get back to us, but that makes the most sense. I figure a few more weeks is just a few more weeks. I did also ask to chat with the doctor to review if we should change up the protocol and the scratching and embryo glue. I want to get his take on all of it.

Still wrestling with the one versus two scenario. I'm thinking we should just do one again, but then I get that nagging voice telling me to go with two. I'm sure it'll be clear when we need to pull the trigger. It was last time.

I still haven't called my TCM back. I'm wrestling with trying one more local out here versus the hour drive each way to where I was going. Part of me is also just enjoying not dealing with any fertility crap right now. No herbs. No acupuncture. No special diets or supplements. I'm just really kind of relaxing and letting the chips fall where they may. I'm sure I'll feel differently the closer we get, but for now, with everything going on...I just don't have the time. Our house is chaos with workers and adjusters in and out. I think the New Year will just feel sooooo much more settled.

I hope everyone is enjoying their holidays!

God Bless!

CD1

Dec. 3, 2015

Well, when it rains, it pours. Literally.

The day after the official "no go" our pipe burst. Flooded our upstairs' bathroom, came through the ceiling and did some pretty bad damage to the living room, dining room and kitchen. I've gotta say, we keep it exciting! We've had workers in and out. We still don't have a sink - apparently they'll have to cut out part of the wall for that (can we say "Thank God we are renters right now???) Once we get the word on if there is asbestos, they'll be cutting out part of the ceiling to assess the damage.

We have six blowers going in here and it sounds like we are on an airplane. We can't hear a darn thing. My landlord text me asking if I was home because ServePro had been knocking at my door for five minutes. Why, yes I was. In fact, I was sitting RIGHT NEAR THE DOOR. Couldn't hear him. My poor hubby, I called on the phone to ask him a question and he said "You do know I'm downstairs in the kitchen, right?" Um, nope.

I'll really be glad when they leave. I didn't mind them so much at first, but we're screaming all day long. AND, it's super hot in here. Bright side, they're very soothing at night. It's kind of like a super loud white noise machine. My son slept until 7:15. Not saying that IS the reason, but if it is...totally want to install that bad boy as a permanent fixture by his bedroom door.

On the baby front, we're gearing up for try 2. I was so so so good about diet and all that for the last few years, but I will totally admit, I've kind of said screw it the past few days. Chocolate? Yes, please. Coffee? Yes, please. A drink? Yes, now. I'll shape back up, but I figured why not.

I was starting to wonder how long this waits for my period takes and right when I voiced it today, I got crampy and bingo. Ask and ye shall receive, eh? I've got some things I'd REALLY like to ask for. Wink wink.

Acting has been kind of slowing down a bit with the holidays coming. A few shows are wrapping up their last episode or two, but not much action right now. My day job has been just draining. I'm really starting to focus more on selling essential oils and am making some headway. I'd really like to JUST act, be a mom and sell oils on the side. I like doing it and I like helping people. We'll get there. As with everything, I'm learning...a process.

I was thinking one good thing about all this, my Nov. transfer would've put me in second tri and into the very beginning of third tri during pilot season. Not really ideal. My last go round with pregnancy, I think once I showed I had literally two auditions. Even after my son was born there were crickets for a few months while I had to remind everyone I wasn't pregnant anymore. To be honest, things have never rebounded like they were. That's ok though. I wouldn't trade a thing. My son will only be a child once and there is nothing more important to me.

Now that my period has arrived, I'll email my coordinator and see how we proceed with the Jan calendar and figure out when to start this birth control. I've no idea where I placed the remaining two packs.

It is 9:37 and I'm signing off to go to bed!

God Bless.

NEGATIVE

Nov. 30, 2015

NEGATIVE.

I'd prepared myself, but what a blow. I honestly felt at peace yesterday, but I just feel raw all over again. I know there is no rational reason why this didn't work. Ya think I could quit going over it all in my head? Yeah, you'd think...

This morning I woke up early and drove all the way to Pasadena trying to dodge morning traffic and trudged up to the third floor. Sitting in the waiting room I really took a look around. All those people. All those desperate people. All they want is babies. I felt a kinship with them. It sucks.

I was called back and went to the lab and pulled my Sharps container that was filled to the brim out of my purse.

Exhibit A:

The nurse laughed with me saying how tough us women were. She was telling me about how her husband was whining he had a headache yesterday and all I she could think was "Yeah, I do to, and a back ache, and a pulled shoulder, and and and, but I still cleaned 30 windows and cooked dinner." We laughed. She said "Good luck" and I gave a half-hearted smile.

As I went to financial to check out, the receptionist gave me a HUGE smile and asked if I'd "cheated." I said "Yes, not good news, but still keeping hope alive." She said "You must." I asked her to give my coordinator a call and see if I could get a new Sharps container from her. You know...in case. If not, I'd need it next time anyways.

I asked her if negative the plan of attack and she said a January transfer, that he won't cycle me during the holidays in December. Fair enough. She said when she called after they reviewed my labs they'd have more concrete answers.

So, I sat. And sat. And sad. She finally called just after 3:30 and confirmed it was negative. She said I would get a period and to email her my first day and they'd tell me when to start birth control. I'm so irritated I have to go back on that, but they want a bleed before my January cycle.

So. Square one.

I told my husband last night I might interview a few TCM out my way. The one I go to is an hour each way and it just eats into my weekends. And, I'm not thrilled that they kept doing "bring back menstruation" acupuncture right up until the end instead of the last day when they changed it to "hold pregnancy." They'd been giving me the incorrect herbs until that point as well. I really want to see if someone out here fits and works out financially who will also do acupuncture right after transfer.

I did ask my coordinator on the phone if they can check my progesterone midcycle next time to ensure I was getting enough to hold a pregnancy. She said they typically don't, but they'd be happy to put the order in for me.

I was also reading about endometrial scratching and embryo glue. I figure, why not discuss all options with the doctor. I'll cover those more in another blog.

For now, I told my hubby to pick up champagne on this way home from the gym. Nothing to celebrate, but I didn't drink it in a mimosa on Thanksgiving Day just in case, and I've wanted it sense. Why the hell not, right?

My mom was suggesting I drink some high caloric drinks to gain weight before the next round. I told her nonsense. How ideal it's right after Christmas. I'll put my 5-7 lbs of holiday weight to good use.

So, huge bummer, but I'll just put on my big girl panties, dust myself off and we'll start this all over again in a month. Silver lining - no hideous shots tonight. I can barely walk today, so my ass will have time to recoup in the interim. Right?

God bless.

12dp5dt

Nov. 28, 2015

Thank you for all the kind words and inspirational stories. So many people messaged me to keep hope alive of stories of negative HPTs and positive betas. Thank you. I DO know it is possible and there will always be a shred of hope I carry with me. I'm just trying to prepare myself in case there is a negative outcome. And, if there is, we'll just dust ourselves off and move forward and try again.

I will admit taking those shots last night plain sucked. I'd lie to say I wasn't bitter doing it last night. I just kept telling myself if it IS negative I only have tonight and tomorrow night left...if it does turn out to be positive, I'll happily continue for as long as necessary.

My one friend who had offered to sell me the rest of her leftover meds which I was going to buy when I got my positive texted me last night they are mine for my next cycle. I was really touched she offered to give them to me. That'll take some burden off when we begin our next round.

We also took the plunge and have our fundraisers. I'm still not ok asking people for money publicly. I just have a very difficult time asking people in that capacity. Our Bravelets fundraiser is doing double donations this Tuesday Dec. 1. Instead of a $10 donation per item, it will be $20. Considering the bracelets start at $25 not a bad deal.

And we have our Equal Exchange fundraiser as well if people are buying Christmas gifts for others.

I believe everything will work out.

I spent the greater part of last night lying awake thinking of everything I possibly did wrong. My husband and myself had a lot of tense moments the day of the transfer and an argument before. My boss, who I told I would not be working for two days sent me a rather rude email criticizing my work and I did five hours of free work for her reviewing a claim I'd submitted. Was all that anger and negativity bad for the baby? Should I not have gone to that audition? Was it not eating the stupid pineapple right away? Not listening to my TCM who told me to wait until I was stronger (bear in mind they've been saying this for two years - when, seriously will I ever be...) Was it my being too light? I've gotten back down to under 100. Day of transfer I weight myself at my friends and I was 100 lbs 8 oz with jeans and a sweatshirt on.

Probably none of the above. I know this mentally. I did use my oils liberally last night for sleep and even resorted to melatonin. Thankfully my husband let me take a nap this morning and I crashed for an hour and a half.

I'm feeling better today and more optimistic. If my beta isn't positive (like I said, shred of hope) I'm interested to hear if I can do a cycle back to back. I posted the question in my EA support forum and most people were able to do so. With the Christmas holiday, I'm not sure if it will be feasible. I just really wanted to avoid having to do another round of birth control in between. Knowing I'd have a solid bleed and start from scratch sounded promising.

On the flip side, like my husband said, if I can't do a back to back cycle, I will live it up this holiday and enjoy some spirits. Probably not the best way to physically prepare my body, lol. But, I admire his attitude.

I also have it all playing in my head what in the world should I do with our healthcare. I have to pick a plan and I was hoping to pick a low deductible plan for pregnancy. However, if I'm not pregnant, continue on the cheaper plan with the high deductible. The options for Covered CA are pretty miserable. None are good. I'm sickened how much out of pocket costs there are. I know the whole Obamacare helped a lot of people - it just really hit us hard. It raised our co-pays, deductibles and out of pockets and our premiums went up considerably in the process. So many things to think about. I still don't know what we will do for healthcare next year. I have to decide if we'll pay the big bucks for a plan that will cover pregnancy not leaving us $10,000 in out of pocket. Or pay $1000 a month for a plan that will only leave us with co-pays and no deductible. The options for self employed are grim.

Anyway, thank you again for your sweet stories. I was amazed how many of you have little miracles running around from late low betas, or slow doublers that your clinics cautioned you with not being optimistic. Amazing how life finds a way.

Monday will tell us how we'll more forward, and regardless what that news is...move forward we will. Thanks for the love.

God bless!

11dp5dt - Looking like bad news

Nov. 27, 2015

Well, it's 11dp5dt. I broke down and tested. BFN

I actually peed in a cup yesterday but couldn't get the nerve. My intention was to test when I got home from our gatherings. I knew testing before was bad. I stared at that cup on my counter forever and dumped it right down the toilet. I told my husband if it was negative I wouldn't be able to give myself my shot last night. He told me to test whenever I was ready although I knew he was chomping at the bit.

I read a bit of Nerida's book last night "God's Plan for Pregnancy" and I happened to flip to a chapter and read a paragraph saying if you were fearful of testing, that didn't lie in faith. It felt like the answer I needed. The past several days I kept chanting to myself "My Faith is Stronger Than My Fear."

Right now, I feel a little lost. Not in my faith necessarily. I prayed before testing and told God that no matter what, I loved him, I'd never forsake him and stand by him, but please please please please please...

I won't say there is a reason for this. Honestly, that's crap. There isn't one. I'm upset and sad. Really upset. Really sad. My silver lining is my husband was incredibly supportive, even more than I thought he'd be. We both were hit hard by this. I honestly didn't know how he'd feel about doing another round and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "We're doing another round. We're transferring two and if God's wants us to have twins, we're having twins."

What really sucks about all this is, it's hard enough seeing that negative after everything we've been through. It's an absolute punch in the gut because so much of my anger, tears and panic lie in the fact, I've no idea how in the hell we're going to pay for this. We scrimped and saved to put something together for the first and are still paying it off. I've honestly no clue.

I made us cinnamon rolls for breakfast with my little helper. I'm pretty certain more cinnamon, sugar and butter found it's way into his mouth than the roll. Not nutritious in the least, but it's OUR Thanksgiving and it seemed like a delicious breakfast, so we ate our sorrows away.

Afterwards my husband suggested I go for a walk. He'd stay here with Reed. Before I left, he stopped me and said WE are a family. We're not going to let this rip us apart. We're going to chose to be grateful for what we have and have FAITH that we WILL get pregnant and have another child. We both vocalized part of the grief we feel is that financial strain. It just plain sucks. To lose that baby, or embryo, or whatever anyone wants to call it is just painful enough, but knowing if we had the money we could just dust off and try this again...but we can't. It ANGERS me!

I went for a long walk and cried like a freak. My neighbors probably thing I'm a nut job. I'd regain my composure and start all over again.

I know it's ridiculous and my head tells me better, but I feel like it's my fault. My body. Of my not doing enough bedrest. Or doing TOO much. Or not insisting my TCM do acupuncture or after. Or, my stupid body that doesn't cooperate or isn't fertile. Or or or. I know in reality it probably has nothing to do with me and was probably an embryo with chromosome issues, but I'll always have that playing in the back of my mind.

My heart hurts if that embryo WAS good and my stupid body wouldn't allow it to have the life it deserved.I just honestly feel broken all over again like when I was diagnosed. It's silly and I'm ashamed but I do feel like I've let my husband down and let my kid down. My son still walks around telling me there is a baby in his belly. In fact he woke up from a nap two days ago and when I asked how his nape was he told me "My baby woke me up. She kicked me in my belly." Our friends had a baby two days ago and I was explaining his friend is now a big brother and he told me he wants to be one. ugh.

Not my most upbeat post. I'm sorry. I'm just filled with anger and sadness and confusion right now. I'm just really struggling with how we can do this again financially. How I can do it emotionally. We kind of feel like we just want to do it right away. I don't know if I want to wait, do the whole birth control again. My body never really had a full of period after it. Maybe this time I can shed my whole lining and start fresh.

I text our family the news. I just really couldn't stomach having to call everyone. Everyone just said maybe it's too early. It's 11 days past transfer or the equivalent of 16 DPO, 17 really if it was indeed a 6 day embryo. I suppose there is always a chance there will be a beta on Monday, but I know the chance is minute. A few friends called and my mom did straight away. I could tell she was crying on the other end too.

I called the clinic to come in today and get it over with, but they are closed. The thought of taking these meds and the shots especially for three more days just makes me want to vomit. My butt is sore beyond belief and I can't find a position to sleep at night. Doing it knowing there could be a baby made it bearable. Now, it just seems stupid. I'll continue on the chance there is a late implanter, but...

And, damnit, I'm having a small glass of wine with dinner. If I'm making this whole Thanksgiving dinner and there was a negative test, I'm having a drink.

Well, I typically try and keep my posts upbeat, but there ya have it. I'm a bitter, depressed mess right now. I haven't answered anyone's texts and I don't know when I intend to.

I'm so grateful and thankful for my husband and son. I swooped my little guy up for a proper snuggle straight away. I haven't been able to pick up my little guy and it felt good to carry my little koala around for a bit.

I can't stomach this is a reason for this, but the only silver lining I see was this last transfer was filled with so much tension between my husband and I. If it took this stupid experience for us to have more patience with each other and support, than I suppose that is best for our family and each other long term. That's all I got right now...

God bless!

9dp5dt

Nov. 25, 2015

Happy National Embryo Adoption Awareness Day!!!! To all the snowflakes out there - what a blessing you are!

Well, feeling pretty good. I had a bit more cramping yesterday and a bit of breast tenderness and I've been tired, but trying not to let those get me excited. I'm well aware the progesterone I'm taking could be responsible.

After dropping off my son I went for a tiny walk before work this morning and put in my headphones. On my iPod Bob Marley's "Every little thing gonna be alright" was playing. It had particular meaning because a friend who transferred a few weeks before me kept referring to our embryos as our "One Loves" and told me to play Bob Marley the day of transfer. It made me smile.

I got our turkey yesterday. 19.89 lbs. I had to laugh. I stuck under the 20 lb lifting rule...barely. Trying to Thanksgiving shop with a three year old on one of the busiest grocery shopping days of the year - I deserve an award. He actually did really well. Only a few times did he end up running too far ahead. I did end up with a cookie mix and about twelve bags of marshmallows in my cart that I didn't expect. Can't blame a kid for trying :)

Tomorrow we're celebrating with some friends for breakfast and our pastor invited us over for lunch. My husband is working, so it's little man and I. I'll cook up our feast on Friday. We like to decorate after so it'll be a nice evening.

I'm getting very aware I'm going to have to cave soon and test. lol Today is National Embryo Adoption Awareness Day and my son was born three years ago on Thanksgiving. Both could give a positive extra special meaning. We'll see.

God Bless!

8dp5dt

Nov. 24, 2015

Well, day 8 here. And NO, I haven't tested since day 5. lol I'm getting texts, calls, messages. We've such a great support network. I think I'm driving everyone mad. But, way too much riding on this for me. I just have no desire to test yet. I pray multiple times a day for God to just reveal the time I should. I know that sounds silly to some people, but I just need to be in a peaceful place.

Yesterday I did however start cramping again. After not having symptoms for four days, it was actually a welcome sign. I'm not sure what cramps mean that far after transfer - good or bad, but to feel like "something" was going on felt good.

When I dropped my son to school I kept getting little shooting pains on my lower left side or my uterus area. They'd come and go, but it got to feel more crampy throughout the day.

I had a lot of fun. I was able to go in for my son's lunch time yesterday to hang with him and bring his birthday treats for class. He was so proud to have me there. He warms my heart so. He did raise his shirt halfway through lunch and scream across the classroom "Mommy, my baby's in my belly." I've a feeling his teachers will know RIGHT away about this pregnancy :)

I hit a vein for the first time last night. I was giving the shot to myself and I did the little pullback trick and everything. I didn't really see blood, but when I removed the needle, it POURED out of me. Argh. I hope some of the meds got in me. I DID see blood in the syringe when I pulled it out. Oops. I guess I need to pull back further to draw the blood farther to see? Well, learn as I go I suppose.

It's a Tuesday, so my son is home from school - he only goes to preschool M/W/F so we're going to head to the park. I suppose I should go to the store this morning and get some Thanksgiving stuff - YIKES Thanksgiving snuck up! Thankfully I'm not cooking for our family until Friday so that baby will have time to thaw. I told my husband I'm not certain how I'm suppose to lift the turkey since it's over my "required" weight limit, but I'm sure I'll be fine.

I'm not sure how much I buy that don't lift anything anyways. I get right after transfer, but the reality is women have been lifting stuff from the beginning of time. I know pregnancy makes ligaments looser and women more prone to injury, but I've found nothing in my research how it can hurt a baby or prevent implantation. I'm trying to listen to my doctor and not lift though. My son is getting much better at understanding I can't lift him. We just do extra snuggling on the couch and floor.

Well, wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. I'm sure I'll update again before then.

God bless!

6dp5dt

Nov. 22, 2015

Today was my son's birthday and I couldn't help feeling blessed from the moment I woke. What a blessing he is. I've so much to be thankful for!

Yesterday, I tested to a negative and had a complete breakdown. I mean ugly sob, breakdown. I completely freaked. I know that's silly. I know it was early. I know. But, wow! I had to go for a walk to try and regroup. Only to walk in the house and go upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom and cry again. My friend told me to get FRER as she thought they'd be better than Wondfos. I'm not convinced as both gave me the false positives prior, but I picked up a few.

Last night, I looked in my basket of books on the floor and was drawn to Nerida Walker's book "God's Plan for Pregnancy." It spoke about not relying on signs, symptoms or the natural and placing your faith in God. This whole journey my faith has been there and I was really ashamed I was so unsettled by that yesterday.

This morning, I decided not to test. I wanted my focus, my love and my gratitude to be centered on my son. When I'll test again, I honestly don't know.

I did however lose it at church - big cry. Our pastor, who ran a adoption / foster home was talking about a specific five year old child and to hear the abuse this child faced...I broke down. My husband left the sanctuary to get me a kleenex. It sickens me people who are so cruel to children can get pregnant so easily. It sickens me any child could be treated that way.

I don't have any real "symptoms" but thinking back, I don't think I had any with Reed this early either.

Boy, this whole fertility stuff is a real mind trip...

God bless!

4dp5dt

Nov. 20, 2015

Well, here I am. I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty peaceful, but very, very aware I should know something in a few days.

I totally got in my head if my POF would give a false pregnancy test, so I did test this morning. I know it was too early for a positive, but I just needed to see that stark white test to know I wouldn't get a false one. After two years of seeing a line...I cannot even stomach a false positive test after transfer. And, it was white. Thank God! NOW, the next one I'm hoping shows a line!!!

When I'll test, I've no idea. I know some women start seeing super super faint positives at 5dp5dt, but I don't know if I want to wait until I'd see a darker line. We shall see.

I will say, it's funny how when you are acutely aware of every potential sign and symptom they can manifest. Yesterday my husband put on White Angelica essential oil in our bedroom and down the hall in the office I smelled it immediately. This morning, I went to take my son to school and walked out and could smell instantly the fast food restaurants cooking breakfast. Burger King and Subway are a few blocks away.

Like a moron, I keep squeezing my boobs. I'm sure if my neighbors walked by the window they'd think I was a regular oddball, but my nipples are a bit sensitive.

All this I know is probably more progesterone induced than anything, but I see why people go absolutely bonkers in the two week wait.

My butt is feeling so so much better now that I am moving around and walking. The shot last night for some reason HURT! I don't know if he hit a nerve or a vein, but yowzers! It's funny how some nights it's completely fine and others, yikes!

Well, back to work. Keep growing and digging in, baby!

God bless!

3dp5dt

Nov. 29, 2015

Yeah, so my "I can totally wait" mentality is slowly, er quickly flying out the window. I woke up cramp free which of course sent my mind into worried overdrive. I'm being ridiculous. I went for a nice walk to try and regroup. 11 more days until beta. That is just a cruel wait. Why oh why isn't my clinic a 9 day rule like most?!? Breeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaathe! One day at a time. I keep going over in my head. I've the perfect lining. I've the perfect embryo. I've been pregnant before under NON ideal circumstances. It's all in God's hands.

I'm sure I'll be repeating all of the above about 2847 more times today.

Which brings me to...I forgot to mention. My favorite number is 47. My friend's apartment was 407. Pretty cool :)

Well, excuse me while I head off to snack on pineapple core and Brazil nuts. Not superstitious at all am I?

Pray for peace for me. Pray for success!

God Bless!

2dp5dt

Nov. 18, 2015

Well, two days in. Yesterday and today have been very, very crampy. I'm optomistic it's the wee one settling in for the long haul.

Monday, I did pretty good with the whole bed rest thing. I wasn't overly strict, but was a good couch potato. My friend got home around 8:30 that night and cooked dinner. I sat on a chair with my feet up on another chair in the kitchen and chatted with her. She was also a good sport and did my shots since it was in the left cheek. She was AWESOME! Very gentle. Barely left a mark.

I will say, bed rest and PIO shots are a pretty awful combo. What I've found makes the shots tolerable is moving around. So lying all day or lounging just makes the muscles hurt more. It's like when you work out and don't stretch. Whenever I did get up, I felt like an 80 year old woman waddling around. So, so tender.

Last night, I ended up getting an audition. I should have figured I would. Whenever I leave town or have a conflict, the calls come in. Since it wasn't until 6:15 in the evening I decided to go. The doctor had told me I could actually return to work that day since I sit behind a computer (little did he know I work from home so I'd be there anyway) so I figured going to an audition and walking that little bit wouldn't be bad. I can't help but think a little blood flow to the uterus helps anyways.

It was on the back lot at Universal and I was able to park super close to the trailer. I will say however it was not my finest moment as an actor. Super easy role. HOWEVER, I was so paranoid about my husband getting me from my friends, getting home to change, drive there, etc I gave the sides a once over and totally ignored the breakdown (a description of the character.) I've lived here 15 years and NEVER done that! Ever! I'm the epitome of professional and prepared. So, I drive all the way to town in rush hour on my day of bed rest (I was being a couch potato in my car...right?? Made sense to me) and pull into the studio, find a parking spot and turn on my phone to review the sides one last time and notice the breakdown. OOPS! I was wearing a completely inappropriate outfit.

Sh*t! I about had a panic attack in the car. I basically summoned all my "get your sh*t together" attitude, walked into the trailer restroom, tried to make things work with my hair and basically had the "just do what you came here to do pep talk." Long story short. I did the role well. This is the fourth time I've been in for this show. Casting knows me well and the whole way home I just had to keep repeating to myself she obviously likes my work. If I lose this role because I wore my damn sneakers instead of heels (which I had on and CHANGED by the way because I remembered my TCM told me to keep my feet warm and it was cold out) then I'd hope she'll continue calling me in until the role is right. I'm still irritated with myself over it. I'm always on my game when it comes to that. I totally dropped the ball.

I was able to get home in time for my son's bedtime. My husband was very sweet and carried me up the stairs so I could read him some stories before bed. My son, thought it was hilarious!

Today, my 48 hr bed rest was up, but my husband still insisted on carrying me down the stairs this morning. Once we surpassed the true 48 hrs since procedure I did climb them myself. This evening I took a super short walk to the store and it felt glorious. Tomorrow I will resume my daily walks. It really helps my tush feel better like I said before. Sitting around just makes me hurt.

I'm feeling really good about things. The cramps I feel are a good sign. I am incredibly tired. I know it's too early to be a pregnancy sign, but I think all the progesterone I'm taking is making me drag. Well, that and I'm sure the sitting around is just making me feel lazy and tired too.

My husband was saying I should test already and I had to explain it was WAY too early. I think he's just excited. Me too. Praying praying praying....

God Bless

PUPO

Nov. 16, 2015

We are PUPO!!! Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!!

The last few days were, I admit, a bit stressful and probably a bit hormonal and emotional on my part. I know my body is just rampant with hormones and to be honest, my butt is incredibly sore. The PIO injections are a little painful to do, but tolerable. It's the next day that is really killer. I think the left side is the worst because I'm not ambidextrous. Inserting it is ok, but when I pull back to check for blood I think I jostle the needle a bit too much causing bruising. With everything building up...it was a tense weekend.

Saturday I did acupuncture so they put the "hold" acupuncture on me :) They told me to finish my herbs, which I completed that night and they'd wait until I found out if (when!) I'm pregnant to adjust. They told me it is fine to take while pregnant and they are nourishing herbs to energize and strengthen me. I'm praying on that. I feel funny taking anything when pregnant. I'm hoping my body kicks in on it's own.

Sunday I went in for a massage which was glorious. Trying to explain to the masseuse why I had two large black circles drawn on my butt was interesting with her jilted English. She may have caught the grasp of what I was saying. If not, I'm sure she's seen crazier things.

Sunday night was a flurry of getting everything ready for my son and packing. We decided I'd stay at my friend's house overnight this evening and during the day tomorrow so I could get some proper rest. After my shower, it'd been raining and chilly so my husband suggested I put on my fleece pjs. I grabbed them without thinking and was wrestling with my son when I caught a glimpse of them...snowflakes!!! What a good omen. Frozen embryos are nicknamed "snowflakes" because they are frozen and each one is unique. It brought a tear to my eye!

This morning was a madhouse getting everyone out the door on time, and in fact we were late. I was soooo stressed. We made it to the clinic with one minute, that's right ONE MINUTE to spare until my OR prep. My husband dropped me at the door and I ran in while he parked. They called me back just as he walked into the waiting room.

Our transfer room was remarkably calming though. Dim lights. Relaxing music. I'd been instructed to have a full bladder and boy did I ever! The nurse told me to undress from the waist down and they'd be in to check my bladder. About five minutes later, she came in, fired up the u/s and said "wow! yes, full bladder!" So, off she and her assistant went to get the doctor. My husband and I took a moment to hole each other's hand and saw a quick prayer.

When he came in about ten fifteen minutes later he brought this beautiful photo of our little embryo! The mass on the right is our embryo. The circle to the left is it's shell. It was almost completely hatched and it's cells looked great.

He said it was PERFECT! He was thrilled with how our little bugger thawed. He gave me a big hug and answered some last minute questions.

He said it was a hatching 5AA embryo and beautiful quality!! We are so thrilled. We worried about degrading quality and instead got one awesome little snowflake to transfer!

He got me all set in the saddle (no modesty here folks) and showed us on the screen my uterus. I had a cm lining so it grew since my last appointment by almost a whole mm. He said it was a great lining and offered a cushy spot for our wee one. Once we were all set, they sent word to bring in the embryo.

A nurse came in with a long tube and cover and he inserted it into the catheter and showed us as our little babe was placed in my uterus and my hubby and I held hands and smiled in wonder. There was a gentle little flash of white. They then took the tube back to the lab to verify the embryo wasn't stuck in the tube. And that was it!

Our doctor told me to lay flat for about ten minutes, then go empty by bladder and come back for about 20 minutes to just let things settle in. They brought me a nice heated blanket and turned off the air since it was a bit chilly in there. I felt pampered.

Our doctor was wonderful. He was so warm and my husband commented how it was so nice to feel included. He looked to my husband, ensured we both saw what was going on, on the monitor. Such a warm man.

We snapped a photo (I scribbled out the office and names) and we were on our way. We had a little lunch date and he left me to nap and rest at my friends who was so cute to set out food, remotes, blankets. I'm being taken well care of.

During all of this, it's been incredibly touching and humbling. A mother's group I'm in was pulling for me and there were so many words of prayer, support, well wishes and baby dust being sent my way. An embryo group I'm in, I posted a photo of us PUPO and within hours there were almost 100 likes and so many words of encouragement. I know we live in a society nowadays where the internet can have such a bad connotation, but for journeys like this, those communities are so strong and encouraging. For something that started as isolating and desolate for us, we've found friendships and unconditional support...many of those relationships that we've taken into real life with phone calls, texts and in face meet ups. God has such an amazing way of working.

A month or so ago when my in-laws were visiting I found a medallion on my dresser when they left. It was of St. Gerard, who is the patron saint of fertility. They aren't Catholic so I was surprised...but I was raised Catholic and always still consider myself part Catholic even though my husband and I attend a Presbyterian Church. It also had special meaning to me because my dad's middle name is Gerard. I've been carrying this little medal with me to every fertility appointment and it came with us today. Ever since learning the Hail Mary when I was younger, I feel power when reaching out to Saints. I remember my mom praying to St. Joseph when they were selling my grandma's house. They buried the statue in the ground.

 So, for now, I rest, pray and wait. Our Beta is November 30. I know I'll cheat and test sooner, but I don't know when. My son's birthday is Sunday 6dp5dt (6 days past 5 day transfer) so I may be able to get a glimmer of a positive, but it's still early and I don't want to get bummed over a false negative or a real negative. I want it to be my son's happy day!

I'll keep you posted. And for everyone out there, it is National Embryo Adoption Awareness Day on November 25th!!! Get the word out what a blessing this is. So many couples who have done IVF are unaware donating their embryos is an option. What a tremendous gift to so many waiting families and what a beautiful thing to give your babes on ice a chance at life.

If I could ask anyone out there reading to offer a prayer or send a sticky baby vibe our way, I'm so grateful for it.

God bless you!! Always!

Green Light Green Light

Nov. 12, 2015

Well, yesterday I got the official green light. My lining is at a 9.1 with a great pattern. I was worried it was too skimpy, but my doctor explained the minimum they want is 8, ideal is 10 so a 9 ain't half bad. He said he looks more at the pattern, which was really good.

I did get a chance to chat with him a bit about how many embryos to transfer as well. We've decided to transfer one with the understanding that if it thaws and degrades in quality measurably that we would like a second thawed. He said we could either dispose of the one or transfer it as well. I gently assured him we'd like to transfer as well. I know all don't agree with my sentiments, but after all this praying and wanting a child, I don't feel like it's up to me to decide it's fate. If it's still alive, it deserves a chance. If it's poor quality, it will probably die or "arrest" as they like to say, on it's own. I don't feel like playing God to make it so. If it takes, than that little babe certainly deserves life and thank God I didn't stop it. Anyway, just our own personal view and decision regarding how many to transfer.

I also clarified a bit about how strict bed rest is. He basically told me it isn't lying flat all day, that I can get up, go to the bathroom, eat, stretch, more just be a couch potato and take it easy. I'm going to stay with a friend Monday and Tuesday so I can relax (she'll be at work during the day) without my nearly three year old wanting me to constantly play. Just thinking about the tears and arguments with daddy about wanting mommy (because let's be real, he'll want the parent that CAN'T be with him at all times) brought on stress. It'll actually be nice. I haven't had girl time with my friend since before we were married.

Saturday is one last acupuncture visit and I'd love love love to get in for a massage on Sunday some time to just absolutely relax every single muscle in my body.

I started my progesterone inserts last night, my steroids today and will start my PIO shots tonight. Those babies are huge and have a lot of thick oil injected into the muscle. The hubs is out of town, so I'll be wielding it myself. I did well with my estrogen shots in the tush, so I just need to think of it as the same thing.

It's all starting to become VERY REAL. I'm really excited. I'm focusing on positive outcomes and refuse to let the negative come into my mind. In four days I will be PUPO. "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise." After almost two and a half years of trying, it just gives me chills. I know some women go through so much more and for so much longer. What a journey it is. Keep the faith. I am.

God Bless!

Less Than a Week Away

Nov. 10, 2015

Well, it's really sneaking up on me! Last Weds I went in for my first ultrasound. I was a bit apprehensive about my lining. Since I'd had my period Thursday - Sunday, I was fearful there wouldn't be anything there. Surprisingly, not only did I have a lining, but it was already to 6.3mm and had a triple stripe. My doctor had told me the ideal for transfer was a bare minimum of 8mm and ideally around 12mm. We shall see tomorrow where I'm at.

My mom actually came with me to my appointment last week. She likes to "put eyes" on what is happening so she has a better idea. I think she enjoyed going with me. She was able to ask questions, see where our transfer would be done... She was also able to give me my shot. She asked the nurse to draw my circles on my butt again so she'd have something to aim for.

My meds were doubled and I was on my way. On my way home I'd scheduled my TCM appointment and I went over my dates with them. They got me into acupuncture and adjusted my herbs from the "bring back menstruation" concoction to the "hold pregnancy" concoction. I have one more appointment scheduled before the big day. They were very firm I should not do an appointment after like many women do as they felt the needles are too powerful disrupting energy channels once an embryo is placed.

That night she was rather horrified at the size of the needle and I'm not quite sure who it was more painful for...her or me to get / receive it. She poked me and asked again, "how far does this go in?" All. The. Way. *gulp* She was very gentle.

I'd done a Yoni steam and castor oil pack last Monday and I can't help but wonder if that is what helped build my lining. Unfortunately, since we've had company non stop I've been unable to repeat it. I have been guzzling my POM juice like a good little girl (POM juice helps build endometrial lining.)

Tomorrow morning I'm back to my fertility doctor to get the final go ahead. I'm praying my lining is nice and fluffy and is a perfect triple stripe. I want to talk to the doctor as well about embryos downgrading in the thaw and at one point we will move from our "transfer one" to "transfer two" stance if that happens.

So much going on!

Well, my company will be gone tonight and my hubby is out of town so I'm on my own for shots. Tonight is just the one, but tomorrow (if all goes according to plan) I'll be starting the progesterone which is the more painful of the two. Fingers and toes crossed I'm as gentle as my husband and mom were.

I'll keep you posted.

God Bless!

FET update

Nov. 1, 2015

I realize my updates are slow going. I feel like this whole process is a whole bunch of hurry up and wait and then a mad dash to get everything situated. The weeks leading up to this were a whole lot of pricing meds and waiting. At the last minute, my coordinator finally put my orders in and my meds arrived THE DAY I started taking them. Way way way too close for my Type A comfort.

Last Thursday was my baseline ultrasound. My friend thankfully agreed to watch our son so we could pay attention at the appointment and not be trying to keep him entertained the entire time. To catch you up to speed, I'd been put on birth control pills with the hopes it'd jump start a period. I was starting to panic when Thrusday arrived (my last pill was Sunday morning) and I hadn't started my period yet. When I arrived I had the tiniest bit of spotting.

The nurse practitioner that did my ultrasound explained how I only had a 1.9mm thickness so perfectly within limits for a baseline measurement. I talked to her about my fear of not having shed lining since last March and would that be bad to start a pregnancy with that old blood hanging around in there. She assured me no. I will say, however, that I was thrilled to start my period hours after I left my appointment.

While she was doing the ultra sound, I got to see my ovaries again. My one, although good size was pretty quiet, no follicles. The other actually had something going on. She didn't know if it was a cyst of follicle but they marked it to monitor. We'll see if it changes by next Weds when I go in again.

After my ultrasound I met with the coordinator. I'll keep things very PC here, but I will admit her and I clash. I'm a pretty easy going person, but she can just be rude and condescending. I finally asked her to please be patient with me. Every question I asked she was annoyed and dismissive. I said we'd never done this before so my questions were new to us.

I wanted to clarify a few things in the contracts. One, our only two options when we were done building our family (all three remain ours until we are done) were to donate them back to the clinic for either destruction or scientific study. I was unsettled with that, but she assured me since they were such great quality, they'd be donated to another couple.

My other issue was they wanted to know now how many we were transferring. I told her I'd like to discuss further with the doctor. We feel like if the embryo thaws great, we will only transfer one. If the embryo thaws and downgrades, we may consider two. We just want to be on the same page as the doctor so he and the embryologist can decide at what point we'd like another embryo thawed.

After all our contracts and releases were signed, she showed us a quick video on how to administer the shots. The needle looked ginormous. I won't lie. She had me drop my pants and put two huge circles on my butt where I should be given the shot.

I also had to sign a release. Apparently, my varicella test showed my immunity was gone. I was a bit surprised because not only did I have chicken pox when I was little, but I showed full immunity when I was pregnant with my son. It was barely under so we decided to sign a release and proceed. To get the vaccination would push our transfer three months because it is a live virus. My feeling is it's a required vax so it isn't as common as it use to be and after researching it, IF I got it, there is only a 2% chance it would affect the baby in anyway. Now, if it was rubella or something, I'd have gotten the booster.

When I got home, we heard back from my blood test. My estrogen was a bit high at 121. They doctor likes to see it under 100, but since I'd just stopped birth control they allowed me to proceed thinking it may be residual estrogen in my system. I was given the go ahead to start my meds.

We struggled a bit with the shot starting out. First, my husband didn't get anything in the needle. Thank GOD we noticed it. The second time he kept pulling bubbles. I tried and did the same. Thankfully our friends who are now pregnant with EA were still up at 10 at night and talked us through it. They told my husband to put three times the meds in the syringe then shoot the excess back into the bottle. That took care of the huge bubbles. For the remaining, we just tapped the needle like suggested. The meds aren't like normal liquids you pull into a syringe. It's in castor oil (later the progesterone is in sesame oil) so it's very thick.

I bent over and my husband geared up to play darts where the nurse had drawn the circle. The initial poke wasn't too bad, but it was a strange sensation feeling him push the needle all the way in. It's 2" long. Not a tiny poke. He slowly injected it like instructed. It wasn't too bad. Very tolerable. I will say however this was only .1 cc. When I start progesterone that is 1 cc so ten times as much. That is the one I hear is very tender, especially doing it nightly.

Well, I am actually gearing up now for a shot. Right now, I'm just on pills, shots and baby aspirin. My meds should double this coming Weds if all is progressing well and then the following week and the progesterone will be added in (shots and vaginal suppositories.)

All in all, I'm feeling very positive and excited. Everything is paid for (well, on my credit card) at this point, so it's nice to have that bit of pressure off us. For now...

My TCM got back from China today. I plan to see if I can stop in for an acupuncture session on Weds after my fertility appointment since they are in a similar area. My mom will also be in town, so I know she'll be coming with me to my appointment. She'll (I'm sure) ask every question I've never even thought of. Ha! I can just imagine my coordinator's frustration now. Makes me giggle.

God bless!

Transfer is Set. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

Oct. 7, 2015

Well, a bit has happened in the last few weeks. By the title, you can surmise we are A GO! Let me back track to get you all up to speed.

Last Thursday my coordinator called and verified the embryos were now in our "guardianship" or belonged to us rather. She emailed me the medical tests that we needed to get to proceed and set up a saline ultrasound and mock transfer for the following Weds (today) where she would give me my protocol and dates. First thing I did was email my doctor requesting labs be ordered so I could get my blood work done with insurance coverage. My coordinator also told me I would need to start taking a monophasic pill so I requested that order be placed through my insurance as well.

On Saturday, my husband and I went in for our labs. He had to get STD testing as well. Basically, those tests are required by the donating party and us to show that we don't have any STDs. If we didn't get the test we could "blame" I guess the embryos for us getting something. I think the clinic requires it more to cover themselves than anything.

I also went to get acupuncture that day and brought my father-in-law who was having some neck issues. I video taped his needles being placed and my son has taken great enjoyment out of watching grandpa get poked. Ha! I also had a session. I was happy that my pulses going in to my session this time were as strong as my pulses leaving my last session, so my body is stronger. Praise God! I need that in the coming months!

I also stocked up on herbs for the next month because my TCM is going to China. I talked over my upcoming November transfer and we decided as soon as he gets back to do weekly appointments. Now that I have my dates, we will schedule three. Two weeks out, one week out and that morning as long as my clinic can get me in a bit later in the morning for transfer.

Fast forward to today. I had a bit of trouble sleeping last night because so many thoughts were racing through my head. I'm crazy emotional. I ended up taking two melatonin and used my essential oils in full force to get some sleep. This morning, my in-laws who were leaving agreed to bring our son to daycare so we could get moving to our 8 am appointment. Somehow with traffic we were still ten minutes late. I called in advance and they didn't seem overly concerned.

We got there and my nerves were in full force. After signing a consent for the saline ultrasound, they led me back to exam room 3 where I disrobed from the waist down. The nurse was rather cranky to say the least. Our doctor walked in, and within one minute flat had the tube inserted. Now, when I signed the consent I saw in bold lettering it'd be good to take ibuprofen or Advil an hour before the procedure. This message was NOT relayed to me. Take my advice, if you aren't opposed to it, take the meds. It hurt! Maybe it's because my cervix is clamped so shut because of POF or what, but they had to jimmy it in there. Yowza!

Once the tube was placed, they pumped saline in so the doctor could look for any polyps or scar tissue that'd prevent proper transfer or implantation. My uterus was given the all clear and he measured where he'd deposit the embryos at transfer. He did show me both ovaries which I am happy to report are still there and still average size. He actually pointed out two potential follicles, which is more than we've ever seen :)

I won't lie, the whole birth control pills don't prevent pregnancy in POF women ran through my head. All I can think is, let that be true. If the extra estrogen does make me pop out an egg, let us time it right. As thrilled as I am with EA, au natural would still be pretty awesome!

After he was done, he told me to put on a pad and take a few extras because I would be leaking for a few hours. Lovely. At least it was just saline (although I have had some light spotting) and told me to get dressed and meet him in the conference room.

He kind of came in, said my uterus looks great and we're on schedule. Soooo.... What is the schedule? At this point, our coordinator came in and said she'd take over. He stood to go and shake my husband's hand and I was like "wait wait wait." Awkward silence. "So, um, based on the embryos, do you have any suggestions for how many we should transfer?" Silence. "Like, percentages? Statistics?" I mean, seriously, are we the only people who ask these things? Shouldn't they be prepared for this?

You know what he told me? "Transfer as many as you want kids."

Gee. Thanks. I tried to explain without sounded completely cheap that we want to maximize our chances while still being reasonable. We prefer a singleton, but prefer twins over none. He asked our coordinator the age of the egg donor and said "60% chance if you transfer one, 80% if you transfer two and about half of those cases are twins. Anything else?" And got up and left.

Sigh.

Once he left our coordinator basically said for me to start my birth control today to hopefully prompt a period. Take my last active pill the 25th, come in on the 29th for a baseline ultrasound and to start my meds. She said at that visit she would show us how to mix the meds properly and give me the shot. Apparently, I will be taking estrogen orally with a shot every three days.

Once I start progesterone, five days before transfer, I start taking progesterone shots daily which she said she needs to teach my husband to do. She said since I am so slim (5'4" 100 lbs) that she wouldn't hold any punches. It would hurt. She said if I had a bit more meat on my bones, there'd be more places to stick it, but the needle is an intramuscular needle and we'd run out of space very quickly. She said I'd be taking that at least through the first trimester and by that point, I'd have no where to sit. BUT, it was a smaaaaaall price to pay for such a large blessing. She has a point.

All I could think was though is my husband travels. I'm going to be doing some crazy gymnastics searching for a spot that isn't black and blue to stick myself when he's gone.

I did try to clarify the donor height and she said he most likely was 5'10" but she double check. We were given a pile of consent forms and told to come back on the 29th. I did ask her for my prescription, but she was very hesitant to give it to me. She said she would order it through their pharmacy. I tried to explain without fertility coverage, I want to price it everywhere and anywhere for the most cost effective place. She said she'd send me the order and I could call the other fertility pharmacies (she listed three or four) to get pricing and I could transfer it if I wanted.  I don't think she understood completely that my intention is to buy EACH one at the cheapest place, but I will fight that battle when I have to. She wants me to order everything at one. My thought is if one clinic has this one cheap and this one has that one cheap, that is my intention.

After that, we were ushered to finances. Youch! $895 for a mock transfer. sigh. My husband I could see was starting to twitch. I'm really trying not to stress about all this money. She said my meds would be about $1500 for the transfer and about $1500 more for the pregnancy. Our transfer with the discount is $2695. Thankfully, our embies are hatched already so we don't have to pay $495 for assisted hatching. Seriously, things are spinning. :(

We left and I was just kind of silent in the car. We talked a bit and I think we are set on transferring one, but I have that nagging feeling what if it doesn't work. I need to put that thought out of my head.

We drove straight to the pharmacy for me to grab my pills and I took the first one. I grimaced at the pack because I'm so anti pill. When I got home I happened to fall upon this article talking about how the pill has been shown to lower AMH and reduce ovary size. For normal women, they bounce back after 6 months to a year, for those with POI or POF, it's fertility suicide. I feel a bit miffed I'm taking the pill that could have in part led to my troubles to save my family. I keep telling myself it's for three weeks. Three weeks.

While we were there we had our medical records printed out to give to our clinic to proceed.

My mind is spinning. Such a long road it's been and now it's all happening at once. For each question that is answered about five more pop up and my coordinator seems so dismissive and short. It's frustrating. I get it's business for them day in day out, but I've never done this.

Looking at our calendar, my parents will be here for one of my appointments, and I've a feeling my mom will LOVE to come and put eyes on everything that is going on. Our transfer is the 16th. My original due date for my son was the 18th and he had a birthday on the 22nd so I could actually test that day and maybe get a result. To test and risk disappointment for his birthday or give him the grandest present...to be determined.

Well, that is my long update on how things are proceeding. I keep telling myself to keep the faith transferring one. My body snagged the embryo last time and I wasn't taking nearly as good care of myself as I am now. I'll be doing castor oil packs and steams up to transfer as well as acupuncture and herbs. My body should be primed to latch on. Right? Right??

God bless!

TCM, Moxa, and Embryos Oh My!

Sept. 28, 2015

I feel like my updates are lagging. I intended to post after my last TCM appointment, but it's been nearly two weeks since I went, so, here goes.

My appointment once again began with a flurry of back and forth between my doctors with me trying to catch random words I've picked up over the last year and a half. I had two sets of hands checking my pulses and the general consensus was it was better than the previous week. My kidney channel was still weaker than they liked. So, off to the acupuncture table.

This time, they decided to really pull out all the stops and do Moxa. Now, they told me it was sage, but as I read up on it when I got home, traditionally Moxa is done with mugwort. I'll clarify next time. Sometimes the language barrier loses a bit in translation. You can learn more about Moxa here. The basic 411 is it brings warmth to my lady bits and mugwort (if that is what they used) is great for the uterus. A lot of TCM's use it for a stagnant or "cold" uterus and considering it's been almost seven months since my last period...it's rather stagnant.

There are different ways of doing it apparently, but they had a little contraption that looked like a little house with a chimney. The moxa stick went through the chimney, and it had elastic around it to tighten it to my body. There was a little screen on the bottom, lying on my stomach to catch any ash that fell. She still put needles in all the other spots that she traditionally did it in.

After about a half hour she came in and removed the moxa and applied needles where it was and turned on the heat lamp to ensure my abdomen was still being warmed. Afterwards, she told me to drink a lot of water as it had a detoxifying effect.

Since then, I've been strict with my supplements, my essential oils and castor oil packs. I did get my second batch of Yoni Steam in the mail so I've been using that as well.

I did get an update from my clinic with the embryo adoption. I'd contacted a few attorneys that agreed a contract was out of the question without a second party and that I would need a letter of release. If the clinic did not have one or would not draft one, I could hire them to do so. I sent all that info to my coordinator who then asked for examples. I found four clinics online that posted their contracts and sent it.

A lot of the verbiage had to do with FET or IVF in general so I said I thought most would be covered in their contracts, and suggested they use a similar letter of remittance the donors use and change the language for a recipient. They contacted their legal team and all of this was approved. So, thankfully, we don't need an attorney.

I spoke with my coordinator today who said the clinic is transferring ownership to us and as soon as that is updated in their computer, we can proceed. I'm waiting on her to order medical testing so I can contact my doctor to put in the order. After that, we need to establish our timeline with the doctor for transfer. Her estimate is November transfer and we should know if we are pregnant by or during December.

I'm hoping some of my meds are covered by my insurance. There appear to be nine medications that are traditionally used for FET. Doctors usually choose a few that they are most comfortable with. All, seem to be used for HRT for POF, so I'm hoping with my pre-existing condition that some are covered. If not, I applied for a discount pharmacy card at this site http://www.npsncard.com/

You know I'll be calling every pharmacy in town and checking every price online for the best deal ;)

I've been a bit overly emotional the last few days. I think everything has kind of hit me. I know November isn't far off, but I just want to move on with our lives. I feel like we've been suspended for over two years now and I keep catching myself in "woe is me moments" and shaking them off.

We are SO blessed. This has really taught me to slow down and treasure every second with my son, my husband, family, friends... And, to not take a second of my health for granted. I know a year from now I'll be reading back over this with a baby in my arms and all these moments of doubt and grief will seem insignificant.

My in-laws are coming to town this week so my husband and myself can sneak away for two nights together. It'll be really nice to reconnect and have adult conversation away from work, stress and "infertility" junk. I don't think people outside our "community" quite grasp how draining that is. For the most part, we are really balanced and I think handling it really well, but it does take a toll.

Before we head out I'll head to acupuncture on Saturday. Once we have a for sure transfer date, I'll begin weekly sessions with them to prime the pump so to speak.

God Bless.

EA kinks

Sept. 16, 2015

Well, we have a few communication glitches in the embryo adoption world. Nothing major. The highlights were this. The embryos were NOT tested. Bummer, but ok. Our donors want complete anonymity, but were also refusing to give any medical background.

This really bummed me out and I've appealed to them through our coordinator to change that. I know they want to be anonymous, but I know nothing from a medical record if I don't have the person to apply it to. There is no context. My feeling is, every doctor's appointment I've ever gone to they ask me my and my family's medical history. I want to be the best advocate for our future child or children and I can't do that with no information about them.

I used the example of my POF and HRT with my coordinator. HRT is recommended, but after knowing my grandma and two aunts have all had breast cancer, even my doctors agreed treating in a different method made the most sense. I also used the example of my hemochromatosis. Not knowing I had that, if I would have taken prenatal pills with iron I may have harmed myself and potentially the baby. I think my coordinator understood my hesitation and has said she'd discuss it further with the donor. I told her I could care less about the physical descriptions, but a basic medical history, I felt, was imperative.

We did get some info on the egg donor they had used, so I was glad they released some of that, but again, no family medical history was disclosed.

The other issue we are dealing with now is the clinic still wants a contract, but the donor has already remitted the embryos to them, so we have no one to form a contract with. I've spoken with an attorney and they've advised me the clinic can issue us a standard release and a donation contract not only is not needed, but not possible without the second party. We shall see how the clinic responds.

I did ask them if the other couple that is receiving any of the embryos would like to have any further contract should both of us have children from the group. I think it'd be a nice option for the kids to meet on down the line.

So, we are basically, once again in a holding pattern. Waiting to be advised on legal clearance. Waiting if we can appeal for further medical history. Waiting to be told what medical tests I need to take. My coordinator guessed a November cycle. Honestly, I know the clearance, even if drafted by a lawyer can be done in an hour and my medical test results are done within 24-48 hrs, so I think this could all move much faster than anticipated. She said the other couple needed to cycle first...why, I don't know. I feel like if four embryos are assigned to them, three to us, we shouldn't be tied with each other as far as cycling goes.

Each embryo is in it's own straw so she said we could transfer 1, 2 or 3 depending on how they thaw. I said flat out no more than two.

Other than that, I'm going to try and sneak away to acupuncture tomorrow since we have a birthday party on Saturday. Hopefully things are improving. I'm still getting constant positives on my OPKs and HPTs which is frustrating and makes me feel things are still a bit awry.

I also opened a Bravelets page. Basically, it's jewelry to offer inspiration. We get $10 from each purchase for our medical bills. I love the story behind the page. If you want to buy anything to offer support to us, yourself or other families embarking on the adoption journey or needing help and inspiration through other trials, tribulations or health crises, it's a wonderful program.

You can check it out HERE and click the fundraise link at the top to open your own page to help offset expenses.

I'll keep you posted as things unfold.

God Bless!

EA Progress

Sept 8, 2015

Well, progress on the EA front! Our coordinator emailed Friday afternoon and said we are a go and she'd be contacting me this week. It's only Tuesday night and I'm trying very hard not to be too antsy and stalk her. I think out of self respect I'll wait...until at least tomorrow ;)

I did start getting a few quotes from different attorneys to draw up contracts for us. It ranges. Not a cheap process for sure. Someone did give me info for theirs which charges $500 to draw it up, but we'd have to cover the donor's as well. Most of them are in the $1000 range, although I got a quote from one attorney for $1000 flat covering ours and the donors attorney fees as well. I got a good feel from her. Maybe she's playing into my sentimentality but her closing words were "That's really exciting that you have the opportunity to adopt embryos. I think they are such special little babies waiting to get adopted." Sniff. She may be the winner for us.

I did head back to TCM on Saturday. More of the same. A lot of conversing in Chinese and furrowing of their brows that left me looking like I was watching a ping pong match, back and forth, back and forth trying to keep up with them. The consensus, no surprise, was I was still weak and need to continue daily herbs. However, the good news was I was doing better than last time. My pulses weren't horrendous, but my kidney channel (reproduction lies there) needs to be stronger.

I mosied into the acupuncture room and climbed up. Again, we started with the back. Face down I went and she poked me all around the lower back trying to get my organs working. About 35 minutes later, flip!

She did the usual spots, but did a few more on the top of my head, one on my chin (a new one!) and a few more on the leg and abdomen. About a half hour into it she came in and removed almost all of them except the abdomen and finger ones trying to center all my energy on my lady bits.

After my session, I was nice a strong. My kidney channel weaker than the others, but overall, they were happy. If only I could do it daily, maybe I'd always be strong. We went over the dates they'll be in China. She will be gone starting in two weeks, but he won't leave until Oct. 15- Nov. 1. Leading up to transfer they want me in weekly sessions to prepare my body. I was feeling a bit anxious if transfer will be after their gone, but worrying is useless. Nothing I can do to change it. Just have to trust HIS plan (big guy upstairs.)

I've run out of my Yoni steam so I'll be ordering another batch. I feel like the steam and following it with the castor oil packs has been good for me. I'll continue to do that up to transfer. In the mean time, we're still trying au natural.

Well, I should get some sleep. I just wanted to update you all on the good news with the EA moving forward. I'll let you know more details as I get them.

God Bless!

TCM, Acupuncture and EA

Aug. 22, 2015

I had an update from my coordinator the other day for EA. Not a huge update, but she reiterated the embryos were still ours and she was just waiting on the donors to say how anonymous they wanted to be. At my prodding she said we could be cycling in October. I'm not sure how accurate that is because we have a lot of steps in the mean time, but at least I'm on her radar.

I did have my TCM appointment. My pulses weren't quite as bad as I expected them to be, especially having been sick the week prior. They said they were a little hard to find, but once they found them, not awful. They were of course WAY better AFTER my acupuncture session.

She did the double whammy on me again this time. The back and the front. I have a feeling they really, really want to see some progress with me. They also told me I need to make sure to do my herbs twice a day, I need to gain a bit of weight and increase my activity. That makes sense. I know on my "work" days I sit behind a computer for ten hours basically, so I need to take a few breaks. Even if that means sprinting up and down the stairs a few times. I need to increase circulation. Blood pumping does a body, and a reproductive system good.

I took another test and of course that same faint line was there. Drat you line! I always wanted to see a line when I was TTC before, but now I want none or a big fat bold dark pink line! Since I felt like I was in the all clear I took my laptop into the bathroom for another V-steam while my son was at school. This time was a bit more relaxing, even with my work deadlines.

After my steam, I did my castor oil pack for an hour. I plan to do this little combo weekly until a positive or a transfer is lined up. Other than that, I'm feeling ok. I had started getting horrid night sweats when I was sick, but I'm happy to report they are gone since I've gotten better :) Whew! I'll keep slathering up in my oils and taking my supplements.

Life is good though otherwise. We had a wonderful family day at a local family sports and health event. We plant to grill out, have a drink (hey, one good thing about not being preggo, right??) and enjoy the evening.

Keep the faith and God bless!

Update WAY overdue

Aug. 17, 2015

Wow!

I feel like my blog is way, way overdue. I was out of town for a month and after returning swamped catching  up with everything. Where to start...?

Well, I guess the first place to start is to tell you that no, no, I have not had a period yet. I'm on CD 148 and still, apparently going strong. I was really sick last week with the fever, aches, headache, soar throat, the whole nine yards. Part of me thinks I got hand foot and mouth because I had about a dozen canker sores in my mouth. They cleared up fast, so maybe it was just part of whatever little bug I got.

I also did the V-Steam a few weeks ago. My review is here. I didn't go into great depth my experience as a whole while I was doing it because I was trying to keep it somewhat professional since I was reviewing a product, but here goes. I had the brilliant (note sarcasm here) idea to do the steam on a Sunday evening while my son was still awake. I thought I could quietly slip into the restroom with a *gasp* magazine. It sounded blissful.

So, I got my herbs a steamin', prepared the throne and got out some magazines to sit back and relax for an hour. About five minutes into it, my son starts pounding on the door, screaming bloody murder. No fear, his dad was here. I just heard him yelling "In here buddy. Leave mom alone." Um, come get him please. So the pounding continues and the crying gets louder. I'm a bit indisposed so I'm hollering to go play with his trash trucks and singing songs with him through the door.

My husband was able to wrangle him so I delve back into my magazine for about five more minutes. And, he returns. This time with a vengeance. I'd locked the door and he was trying desperately to get in. Trying to talk him down, I tried to open the door on my end thinking, "whatever, he can just come in." I just wanted to reach at least 35 minutes doing the steam. Problem is, the door is locked. Like, from the inside too. Um....

"Babe!!!" "Babe!!!" I keep yelling and nothing. Apparently, my husband has gone out to the garage. By this point my son is full throttle. And, I'm starting to panic. I'm stripped naked from the bottom down dripping from the steam, and we're both grasping at the door. Finally my husband comes in and thinks I'm joking. Um, no. So, he got the screwdriver and can't figure how to get it off. I'm trying to talk my son off the ledge through the door and trying desperately to realign the handle on my end so I can get out. Finally...success. He'd loosened the screws so loose, the handle misaligned and locked me in. We tightened that bad boy up.

You can read about all the awesome things it did in my review...I just had to share how unglamourous those final moments were. I'm thinking the next one will be when he's sound asleep or at daycare while I work. Not exactly releasing the inner goddess in me with a laptop working while I do it, but this goddess has to take it where she can get it.

I did go to a baby expo the other day. I was working at a booth, but I was baby crazy being there to say the least. All these brand new babies and pregnant mommas. These teensy tiny little clothes. Sooooo cute. While I was there, I did a Zyto scan at our booth wondering what it'd tell me this time. Third time, and again totally accurate.

Basically the only things out of whack for me was an oil recommended for estrogen imbalance and several for releasing negative emotions and people and a few for pursuing a dream. Estrogen out of whack? Clearly yes. Me hung up on negative relationships. Check. Me striving toward a dream. Check.

Not to get into too much detail, but I put forth too much effort in some relationships. I think we all do. I'm trying really hard to put my focus on people and positivity and just release all the negative crap. I was surprised the Zyto picked that up. It's something this past week I've really been struggling with and came to terms with. In the past, I've always told my husband "I won't sink to their level or change who I am." The reality is, I don't have to change the core of my being, I just don't have to put my focus there. Allowing myself to be negatively effected by people and things is what got me to this health crisis to start with, so *breathe in* *breathe out* I've released it.

The greater purpose? Again, long story short, my parents were kind enough to allow my husband and myself an overnight trip. Our conversation initiated as a fight because he was saying he wanted to move, that my acting career had been moving slow and he was sick of living paycheck to paycheck in the most expensive city it seemed on earth. Ok, lot of valid points there, but ouch! Instant tears and instant seething anger. It evolved into a very positive conversation though.

Once I explained his job takes him out of town five days a week leaving me absolutely no time to write my projects, run the workshops I use to do where I fostered all of my casting relationships, very little time to focus on any submissions or take meetings and left me scrambling to get my hours in for my "day job" after our son went to bed. It was really eye opening to me how frustrated I'd allowed myself to get and how stagnant I felt. Instead of celebrating my auditions, I was spending my energy panicked finding a sitter rather than focusing on the role.

We decided his looking for an in town job that will allow me to meet up with some writing partners to finally get the two ideas I have rolling. We also spit balled a few things off each other. I'm not sure I've mentioned it in here, but he's a Second City grad and very funny. We spent a few hours on the beach and went for a super long walk through the cemetery game planning and dreaming again. We used to spend hours every night walking and planning and talking.

Obviously, we haven't done that since our son was born, but it really reconnected the two of us. I felt like we were a couple again and had the same focus. He also got some clarity and is refocusing on commercial acting again once he can get in town employment. That was where he was successful before and I know he will be again. I think him being in town more will relieve some strain on our relationship and allow us to reconnect more.

It also really gave us some focus on all the fertility woes and the toll they've taken. We just feel so strongly things are going to work out. In my heart of hearts it just feels like things will work out with all the fertility treatments and transfers, but if that is our reality, that is God's plan and I know we'll be doubly blessed by it.

So, all in all, an extremely accurate Zyto. I'm always amazed at how those things work. Our bodies really are miraculous and intricate things, aren't they? It's amazing how negative thoughts or needing the extra confidence to lunge ahead...your body just knows what it needs.

Tomorrow is back to my TCM for herbs and acupuncture. I've been without herbs about a week and a half now. I stuck to my two a day the whole time I was back home with family. I had very few fertile signs there if any. I DID however get rather "fertile" after doing that V-steam. I've had on and off cramping and much more cervical mucus.

On a whim I took an OPK and it was extremely positive so I took a pregnancy test since I hadn't in about a month. It came back light positive. It didn't really excite me because, let's face it, light positives and I don't have a good history. I retook it four days later. Still light positive. So, my hormones were a bit whacky, but I was also sick, and I know my body goes haywire hormonally when I get sick. I'm hoping now that I'm better it will improve.

The thing that upset me about the fake positive was, it was pretty dark for a fake out. I feel stupid because I always let that "could it be" thought flash through my mind and then instantly chastise myself. Check it out. Top was last Monday, bottom was last Friday. I haven't checked since although I'm sure I will tomorrow before heading into acupuncture as a "just in case."

On the EA front, I'm getting a wee bit agitated. After three emails, our coordinator sent me a brief email saying the embryos were still ours, but she was out of the office and would check in tomorrow on how things were progressing. That was a week ago. I tried contacting her twice to see what she learned and try to request a rough time line of things.

Once we get the final green light, I still need to get medical tests done, we need to draw up a contract and figure out our course of action since I don't cycle. I know my TCM wants to do acupuncture weekly leading up for a few months as well.

So much to think about. Well, apparently since I haven't written in six weeks I just spewed it all at you in one looooooong blog entry. I'll try to write more often. If I have a few moments to do a TCM update I will later this week.

As always, God Bless.

My "V Steam" or Yoni Steam Review

Yoni Steam Review

Last I wrote, I mentioned that I had decided to try a V-steam after two friends had gotten pregnant after doing so. I looked online for a reputable company that used organic herbs and helped guide me through what it was and how it worked.

I came across a company called Vibrant Souls that really helped me grasp how the ancient old custom was good for a woman's physical health and emotional well being. I already know how integral adequate blood flow to the reproductive organs are through my work with TCM, acupuncture, castor oil packs, massage, etc so I grasped immediately how the steam would increase blood flow to the area. I also am well versed with essential oils and know how effective they are so understanding how the oils are released from the herbs (DO NOT use essential oils for a Yoni steam, it is WAY WAY too potent) also made a lot of sense to me.

Here is an excellent FAQ page to help you understand how it works and how to do it.

WARNING: Do NOT do this if you are pregnant or could be pregnant. If you are actively trying to conceive, do it before ovulation, or if you are like me and rarely or don't ovulate, take a pregnancy test first just to be sure.

I am quoting directly from their page the list of herbs in their Yoni Steam Blend:

What herbs are typically used to steam and why?

• Mugwort: In addition to fighting infection through its antibiotic and anti-fungal properties, mugwort balances female hormones and stimulates the production of hormones that help to maintain uterine health as well as protect the uterus from things such as ulcers and tumors. Mugwort steam opens the pores, allowing the beneficial herbs to penetrate into the blood stream. In addition, mugwort helps to stimulate menstrual discharge and ease cramping.
• Rosemary: An aromatic and antimicrobial herb, rosemary treats bacterial infection, speeds wound healing, inhibits yeast growth, and stimulates menstruation.
• Lavender: One of the most relaxing herbs we have, lavender supports healing, and it also promotes menstrual flow.
• Yarrow: Astringent, tonifying and cleansing, yarrow is great for regulating menstrual flow, treating ovarian cysts and supporting overall uterine health.
• Partridge berry: Revered as a wonderful herb for the female reproductive system, partridge berry treats infertility, regulates menstrual cycles and helps decrease severe menstrual pain.
• Motherwort: Astringent, tonifying and cleansing, motherwort strengthens and relaxes uterine muscles, eases uterine cramping, and may help treat uterine fibroids. Motherwort stimulates uterine tone and blood flow.
• Calendula: Aids in healing of scar tissue, vaginal tears, or hemorrhoids.
• Rose Petals: A relaxing, uplifting and astringent herb that is wonderful for pampering.

I sent Sierra, the owner of Vibrant Souls an email and described my condition and shared my journey and blog with her. I asked if she'd mind sending me a sample to try so I could review for you. She answered immediately and was warm, engaging and took interest in my diagnosis and encouraged and applauded that I was embracing holistic treatments and helping to mainstream them.  I received my sample the following week. I was unfortunately out of town for a month so was unable to try it out. However, as soon as I got home and settled, I grabbed the package.

The package was beautiful and elegant. Retailing at $15 it came with enough herbs for three steams, so $5 each. Not bad. If I'd gone to the store on my own and tried to do a mix myself it'd have easily cost me about the same. Forget about adding in the price of gas and my time to do so. I also didn't know the appropriate mix of each herb. I loved these were organic. I wouldn't do the steam without them being organic.

Opening the package up I was impressed by the freshness of the herbs. I also love it comes with a resealable pouch so the herbs can stay fresh between uses. All of the herbs are in one pouch, so you have to measure the herbs out for your steam. They smelled awesome. I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting, but I wasn't prepared for such an appetizing aroma. Even my husband said they smelled amazing.

I carefully measured out my two liters of water and set it to boil. I put in the herbs and let it simmer for ten minutes.

Since I don't have a Devi Steam Seat (a seat with a hole in it) or the other suggested methods of doing so, I opted to just use my toilet. I am toying however with the idea of getting a seat if I continue the endeavor. It sounds a bit more relaxing than sitting on the can ;)

Thankfully, I'd cleaned the toilets earlier in the day with some chemical free essential oils so I knew my "throne" was clean and chemical free.

After steeping for ten minutes, I took the herbs off the heat and allowed them to cool for an additional 10 minutes. I took a glass bowl and set it in my toilet. Because I was paranoid the extreme sudden heat might crack the toilet (paranoia I know) I put two cloth diaper liners down as "hot pads" to prevent the hot water in the bowl from resting against the porcelain.

I placed the glass bowl on the diaper liners and pouring the water with the herbs in. I stripped from the waist down, sat down and covered up in a large blanket. My steaming adventure was actually rather humorous looking back because I stupidly tried to do it while my two and a half year old son was awake and after about five minutes decided it was time for me to come out. I'll save that for another post, but long story short, he was so adamant I come out, he loosened the knob enough the lock slipped and I got locked in. Yup. Awesome.

Back to my Yoni experience ;) It was a bit hot to start, but like the instructions suggested, I just opened my legs a bit until it cooled enough. It was actually very relaxing. I started cramping after about five minutes, which for me, with POF (Premature Ovarian Failure) was a nice surprise. I don't often cramp or have much activity down there, so I took that as a good sign.

After about 35 minutes (I wish it could have been longer, but the whole getting locked in the bathroom with a toddler screaming on the other side - don't worry daddy was there with him) cut it short.

I am delighted to report that although I am on cycle day 146 of this cycle, I started to get cervical mucus a few days after my steam. To most women, that may not be a big deal, but for me, my estrogen is near 0, FSH was over 100, LH all over the place. What does that mean? My 36 year old self has the hormones of a 100+ year old post menopausal woman. Cervical mucus is HUGE.

I intended to try to steam again after a week, but I was unable and I told my husband I wouldn't try it again until I had a chance to take a pregnancy test as I'd had that patch of fertile cervical mucus.

I liked the steam and intend to continue using the products, this time as a customer. For the price, I figure it can't be beat. A lot of women pay top dollar in spas for it, and I prefer to do it in the comfort of my home at a price tag I can justify and afford.

My husband and myself continue to try naturally, but we are also nearing embryo adoption and could be transferring in as a little as a few months. I will absolutely steam and do acupuncture weekly to prepare my body for pregnancy. Unlike a normal woman, the blood flow is greatly restricted to that area. Many woman with my condition have ovaries the size of peas. I do NOT want that. For me, the steam is a way to ensure that my blood flow is adequate as well as prod my parts (and hormones) back into use and prepare my uterus to be strong for pregnancy.

I embrace holistic treatment and this compliments my regiment beautifully. I want to thank Sierra whole heartedly for sending me a sample and for educating and offering this service for women. I think it's important alternative treatments are more readily available, discussed and used not only instead of but in addition to traditional Western treatments.

The thing I'm pumped about as a customer is they have a monthly membership for $15. It's the same price as one bag of three steams, but it has free shipping, a free guided meditation (probably more relaxing then a 2 1/2 yr old banging on the door) and free perks like free samples or new meditation tracks.

If any of you ladies out there are debating or questioning it, I say GO FOR IT!! I was weirded out by telling people I was interested in it until a friend told me I should try it. Lo and behold another said the same thing. I've decided it isn't some crazy ritual that only the rich and foolish run out and spend hundreds on, it's a legit holistic endeavor to promote relaxation, well being and overall physical health.


**I did sign up to be an affiliate of Vibrant Souls and I will earn a small commission if you click through and order from the site using this link.